It's Because We're Desperate!
by leopardsnow
Summary: The Akatsuki is completely broke, and Pein, not wanting to break up his subordinates, realizes they only have one thing in common: They are all male, and they are all attractive. So, yes, the Akatsuki are now male entertainers. AU.
1. In Which the Akatsuki are Broke

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment purposes only.**

 **Author's Note: This will be my first multi-chaptered story. It is complete and utter crack with a little romance and action thrown in just for kicks. Characters may be OOC at some points, because… strippers.**

 **A glimpse into the future:**

 _"You have got to be fucking kidding me."_

 _"Have you gone mad, yeah?"_

 _"You want us to what?"_

 _"Tobi… take… shirt off?"_

 **Present Time**

It was raining.

It was _always_ raining.

Pein absently watched the drops hit his office window with a vengeance, splattering against the glass before trickling down into other drops that became rivulets of water running down until those hit the sill and reformed back into fat drops that dripped down, down into the ever thirsty ground below. He had always liked the rain; its faint murmur was like a soothing balm to his soul and helped drown out the thumping beat of Dr. Dre and Kanye emanating from the rooms beyond. Sighing, he glanced up at the ceiling to find something ominous, something that spoke of a pending disaster.

A water stain.

With every storm, the nefarious stain had widened, spreading across the roof of his office like ink across paper, leaving a darkened splot to mar the once flawless flamingo brine shrimp of his paint job. To this day, he did not know how on earth Konan had found that particular color. She was fantastic at embroidery, origami, and assassinating prominent members of rival gangs, but selecting hues to adorn a room with was not her strong point. Kisame had greatly enjoyed the goldfish wallpaper she chose for his room, but his opinion was the exception and not the rule.

Eventually, the leaky roof would need to be fixed. 'Eventually' meaning 'really soon', because Pein really did not need black mold impeding the effectiveness of his criminal organization. Or his ceiling caving in.

Yeah. A ceiling NOT caving in would be nice.

So, Pein fully recognized the need for his roof to be fixed. Unfortunately, there was just one major problem: They had absolutely no money. In fact, Akatsuki was so pressed for funds it was in danger of being disbanded. While Pein knew that the failed investment in Sears was completely his fault, it was really the departure of the snake-freak Orochimaru that had fucked them over. When Orochimaru left to pursue his own agenda, he took all of contacts and all of his "research" with him. The group was generally glad to see the pedophile go, but his illegal, non-regulated experiments had made a pretty penny for the organization. Unscrupulous scientists contacted the self appointed 'researcher' with less than ethical ideas, and Orochimaru would see them through, making a wad of cash in the process.

How could he keep Akatsuki on its feet without funding? It just wasn't feasible.

A knock sounded on his door.

"Enter," he muttered, frowning at the blue-skinned man that had disturbed him. Pein attempted a fierce glare, but his current predicament and growing frustration made it come off as a pained look rather than an intimidating glower. These damn bills would be the ruin of his reputation!

"Sir? Permission to speak?" the man before him said at last.

"Permission granted. What do you need, Kisame?"

"I wanted to make sure that the aquaria owner had fully paid us back for smuggling those freshwater stingrays in for him."

"Kisame, you and I both know you just want an excuse to visit the pet store. But yes, he did pay us back. He's dead now."

"You killed him!?" Kisame exclaimed, looking upset.

"No, heart attack. The family is having a private flushing…I mean funeral. Fuck." _I'm way too tired for this._

Kisame stood in the doorway, suddenly looking awkward. His men were hardened, elite criminals, but they decidedly lacked social skills.

"You can go now."

Kisame grinned (which would have been endearing if his smile _didn't_ give you the impression he wanted to eat your feet) and nodded before turning away and disappearing round the bend in the hallway, feet making audible noise on the threadbare maroon carpet. It needed to be replaced. Badly.

Pein returned to his checkbook and pile of bills, muttering a curse when he realized he hadn't removed his reading glasses before seeing Kisame. They made him feel so…old.

He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance as another knock sounded on his door, then quickly took off the glasses and stowed them in his lap before answering.

"Yes?" the orange haired man snapped, wanting this mess to be over and done with.

Kakuzu entered this time, standing in front off Pein's oak paneled desk and crossing his arms. Those arms rippled with muscle and were covered in tattoos of stitches, whose purpose was to cover light, extensive scars that criss-crossed the green eyed man's body; they also amped up the man's terrifying factor, so Pein had no problem with Kakuzu flaunting them a bit. His treasurer was excellent for intimidating tight-lipped hostages.

"What is it, Kakuzu?"

"We need a cash infusion into the budget. Deidara just blew up the TV."

"That's the third time this month."

"…"

"We have no money."

"…"

"Look for yourself." Pein tossed his ledger and checkbook at Kakuzu, who deftly caught the items and proceeded to flip through them. The masked man pulled a calculator from… somewhere… and typed a few numbers in. There was a pause. A few more numbers typed in. Another pause.

"You're fucked." Kakuzu uttered at last.

"Any recommendations?"

"Raise money."

"No shit." Pein rubbed his eyes in exasperation. "I don't want to tell the other members, but we're in serious danger of having to disband. And that," here he pointed up at the lurking water stain "needs to be fixed ASAP. Ever since Orochimaru left us, we just haven't made ends meet. We need to come up with something that will make money regularly, and involves all members of the team."

"…"

"Fetch Konan. And not a word to the other members about this fiasco. We were on our way to finally taking over the entire criminal underground and I will not give this up."

Kakuzu left without a word, and as he opened the door the lyrics of Britney Spears's "Circus" echoed down the hallway. Tobi must've seized control of Pandora again.

 **Approximately 6 minutes and 34 seconds later:**

Konan entered the room in her usual style, shining cobalt hair up in a flawless bun that was secured with a paper flower and a few bobby pins. Her amber eyes were expressive yet serious, and the delicate labret piercing adorning her lower lip sparkled in the fluorescent lighting. She smiled at him softly, before seating herself in one of the ratty chairs that sagged in front of his desk and crossing her long legs delicately.

"You asked for me, Pein?"

"I did. As you probably know, we are in trouble."

"My last raid with the boys went well. Hanzo was dispatched with little trouble."

"No, it's not that. Financial trouble. I need to close down headquarters for a while and revamp it, but we need money. I don't want them going off on their own…I highly doubt we'd see some of the men again if we did that… but I need to think of something that will keep them as a team while making money. I just don't know what."

Konan was silent for a few minutes, sculpted brows furrowed in concentration. "Since we need to keep them together, we need to think of something they all have in common. Considering we already use eco-friendly bulbs and Kakuzu installed timers for the shower long ago, cutting back on utilities isn't going to cut it, obviously. That," she said, pointing at the ceiling "really needs to be fixed."

"Don't I fucking know it," Pein muttered, than raised his voice again so his partner could hear. "What do all of our members have in common? Besides you and I, if we come up a solution we'll have to be here to supervise repairs."

"They are all male," the blue haired women remarked "so we need an assignment that is decidedly masculine. That will help with the transition anyway, to an actual job."

The two criminal masterminds sat in silent contemplation for a good five minutes.

"Pein, do I have permission to speak freely?"

"Certainly, Konan. You know you don't need to ask my permission. Ever." Pein told her, his tone soft and his ringed eyes almost…caring.

The only female member of the Akatsuki took a deep breath. "They are all attractive."

"What?" Pein was sure he'd misheard her.

"They are all good-looking. Seriously. We do have a gym here, even if the treadmill needs to be replaced, and they all use it regularly."

"Okay." The pierced man tilted his head. "But, what is your point?"

"Male entertainment."

"What?"

"I know you're not deaf, Pein. I said 'Male Entertainment.' It's very popular. And you know that woman owes us a favor. She can "loan" her business to us. House the boys. Advertise a ladies' night." Konan stated firmly. "It's really our only option at this point."

Pein stared at her for a few seconds, then sighed. "They won't like it."

"We have no choice. I'll call her. Go gather the men and tell them."

Pein excited his office silently, missing Konan's pleased smile at the turnout.

She reached out with slender fingers and picked up the phone. She punched in ten numbers.

 _"Yamanaka De-Flowering Shop. This is Ino. How can I help you?"_

" It's Konan. We need a favor."

 **Meanwhile:**

"House meeting!" Pein called out as he exited the office, carefully closing the door behind him. "Everyone in the common room, now!"

"Um, sir, we're all here, yeah." Deidara said, seemingly embarrassed. The blond gave his leader a quizzical look. "Why are you wearing glasses?"

Pein responded by snatching the devices off his face and stuffing his spectacles into his pants pocket. His face reddened almost imperceptibly. "Why did you blow up the TV?" he shot back.

"No need to get personal, yeah. It's what I do." The gang's respective demolition's expert crossed his arms and glared.

"Blondie's throwing a fucking tantrum! Hah!"

"Shut up Hidan, yeah!"

"You shut up, girlie. Like seriously, though, let's fucking get on with this shit. I've got a sermon to catch."

Kisame flopped down on the couch (which groaned in protest) and smirked at Hidan. "You're not watching sermons, Hidan. Everyone here knows you're streaming 'Breaking Bad.'"

"Am not, you fucking liar!"

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"SILENCE!" Pein shouted at last. The command was followed instantly. Even Itachi, the stoic Uchiha, had to admit Leader could be pretty scary when he wanted to be.

Hidan, as usual, was the one to break the quiet. "So, what's up?"

Pein sighed. "As you all know, we have been having some budget problems ever since Orochimaru left us. And this has been affecting us all." Here he paused, deciding a spirit raising speech would be the way to garner support for his…er, Konan's… idea. "Kisame. You haven't been able restock your marine aquarium in months," the blue-skinned man nodded in assent and Pein continued. "Sasori. We haven't been able to supply you with wood for your puppets." Again, a nod of agreement was given, and a few murmurs drifted from couple pairs of lips.

"We, as an organization, need to fix the budget problem. But, all things considered, we are a team. And teams work together. So, this budget problem needs to be fixed together. Am I right?"

Murmurs of assent permeated the room, and Pein seized the moment to look at Konan, who had poked her head out from the door. She gave him a subtle thumbs-up. Plan "Turn a Criminal Organization into a bunch of Male Entertainers" was a go.

"So, I'm taking you all to a strip club where you will all learn to become male entertainers. Your earnings will go to the organization." It was now or never. The big ending. "Are you with me!?"

 ***crickets***

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

"Have you gone mad, yeah?"

"You want us to _what_?"

"Tobi… take… shirt off?"

"SILENCE!" Pein almost smiled at the effect he still had on his little group, all members of which shut up instantly. "No, I am not kidding. I have not gone mad. I want you all to become strippers. And NO, there is no need to remove clothing at this very second." He directed the last sentence at Tobi, who had already begun to remove his shirt.

"I do not wish to do this nonsense. There must be another way." Itachi said at last. "I have no desire to remove my clothing."

Pein breathed deeply through his nose. _Remember your breathing exercises._ But before he could speak, Konan interrupted him.

"Frankly, we do not care about your personal feelings. This organization, keep in mind, is keeping you all in relative comfort. Our home is falling apart around us! We are on the brink of disbanding…no Tobi, don't cry… and unless you all make a collective group effort, it's over. You all really think that you all will be able to suddenly enter the general population? The only person here that hasn't committed homicide is Tobi!"

"Actually, he fucking tripped and shot that one dude…" Hidan interrupted.

"Whatever," the female cut him off. "Anyway, everyone here is guilty of drug-trafficking, among other things. You all will be staying Yamanka's De-Flowering Shop with the other dancers, you will learn their style, and you will make money. Kakuzu," Konan shot, directing her words at the stitched man "Wouldn't it be great to be on stage, surrounded by beautiful women who are literally throwing money at you!?" She continued, noting how the miser's green eyes started glittering. "Hidan. Free booze, women, and money. Yes, you have to dance, but being turned out on the streets at the mercy of Orochimaru and his gang would be much worse. Your cooperation will keep Sound from causing anymore trouble than it already has for us."

She at last fell silent, and murmurs of assent began to surface.

"You know, being surrounded by pretty ladies wouldn't be so bad, yeah. Not to mention hot strippers teaching us." Deidara muttered to Sasori, whose eyebrows were raised.

"It would be a good place to study the human body…I could incorporate my findings into my puppets," mused the red-headed artist.

"Chicks…" drooled Hidan.

"Money," murmured Kakuzu to his partner.

"Itachi! You can finally get laid!" Kisame exclaimed happily, pounding his friend on the back enthusiastically.

"Shut up or I'll kill you." The raven snapped, then proceeded to sit quietly, evidently displeased, but not actively rebutting the idea.

"So," Konan spoke forcefully enough that she could be heard over the group. "Do we have an agreement?"

One by one, heads began to nod, until even the Uchiha gave a slight inclination of his head, indicating his consent.

Pein gave a very rare smile. It was creepy as hell. "Excellent. Everyone, to the van. Konan and I will drop you off at the club. Send your earnings to us, and I can promise a fully remodeled base by the time you guys get back. I'm appointing Kakuzu as the one in charge of your profits."

"Indeed," Konan responded "it will give me great pleasure to select new wallpaper for everyone!"

All but Kisame looked horrified at this prospect.

Pein put his hand on the blue haired woman's petite shoulder. "Perhaps you can furnish the kitchen, instead."

Relief flitted across the faces in the room as Konan smiled and clasped her partner's hand. "I would be happy too."

"Sir?"

"Yes, Kisame?"

"You forgot the van's engine isn't working… The head gaskets need to be replaced."

"Fine. We'll take the bus."

 **Author's note: There will be pairings between the Konoha gals and the Akatsuki members in this fic, so any preferences will be taken into consideration. Let me know your favorite pairings! Next chapter will have a little Sasuke and Naruto stripping action and fun as the Akatsuki learn how to striptease.**


	2. In Which Sasuke Twerks

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This fanfiction is for entertainment purposes only.**

 **Author's Note: My only wish is for you all to enjoy. But reviews are greatly appreciated.**

 **At Yamanaka's De-Flowering Shop:**

Sakura paced across the pale blue carpeting of Ino's bedroom, in the middle of a non-stop tirade about the newest development at the club.

"Are you seriously saying we're going to have a bunch of fucking criminals living here, and we are going to teach them how to strip? You have got to be out of your damn mind."

"I'm pretty fucking serious, Sakura. I owe them a huge favor. In fact, Konan helped me buy this place and turn it into what it is today. We are the number one strip club in the area, and I am not going to cause trouble for myself by breaking ties with the Akatsuki." Ino sighed, then frowned into her mirror as she realized her previously perfect lip gloss was mussed.

"And you are positive they have to stay here?" the pink-haired girl pressed.

"Again, yes. Currently, we have four female dancers, including myself, which is more than enough for our male crowd. But we both know some new male entertainment is needed. Badly. Attendance fell by six percent last month."

Sakura at last fell silent, pink eyebrows furrowed as she contemplated her boss's words. "You know, you're right. But Sasuke isn't going to react well to this," the pinkette went on "we both know he hates having his spotlight taken."

"As far as I'm concerned, Sasuke can go fuck himself. He doesn't stay here with the rest of us. I had to threaten him with a frying pan in order to get my tithe the other day!" The blond closed her sapphire eyes and leaned back in her chair. "Tonight is his last show. Naruto's too. Something about following in his guardian's footsteps…"

"His novel signing is in a few days from now." Sakura quipped.

"Is that the one where the guy-" Ino questioned, voice rising in pitch.

"And the girl…"

"Holy shit. So he finally succeeded in upping Jiraiya's Icha Icha Paradise?" The blonde let out a short laugh. "Wow, he really is going to make it. Can you do me a favor and fetch Hinata and TenTen? I'm going to have to talk to both of them about the new blood coming in."

"Sure thing, pig."

"Shut it, forehead. I'll steal your spot tonight if you don't move your ass."

Sakura laughed and skipped out of the room, leaving Ino alone with her makeup once more.

 **Just Outside:**

Itachi was miserable, and his discontent was only increased by the incessant bitching of his comrades.

"It is really fucking hot out here."

"Can we get some water, yeah?"

"Tobi is sweaty!"

"Shut up."

Itachi could tell Pein's annoyance had finally reached its boiling point at last, if the tick developing on his forehead was anything to go by.

"We've only been walking a few blocks. The club's just up that road," his Leader said, pointing to a shelled path barely big enough for two cars to pass each other. The road had ditches on either side, about two feet deep, and the whole ensemble was framed by old oak trees whose droopy, sagging branches gave the impression of walking through a leafy tunnel. It would have been nice, Itachi mused, if he had been alone and not privy to the knowledge he would soon be taking off his clothes for hordes of sex-crazed women and/or men.

He was quite ashamed that the Akatsuki had no sense of order, and was still irked by Kisame's incessant jokes about him finally getting the chance to lose his virginity. He was not ashamed of his lack of experience in the ladies' department, not at all! Or maybe just a little bit. He had much better things to do with his time then spend it courting some simpering female that would eventually lie, cheat, or do something similar. Women were just another disappointment to be dealt with in this life.

And speaking of disappointments, Itachi began to wonder what had happened to his little brother. Joining a gang had driven a rift in between the two, but Itachi had to keep them in house and home. His parents had died, and he had to take care of his family, even if it meant leaving the boy alone much of the time. As soon as Sasuke turned eighteen, the boy had left, and last contact he had had with the wayward youth was a postcard that read "Merry Christmas, Itachi. Go fuck yourself."

He had been alone until he moved into the Akatsuki base, and that was a slight reprieve from the self-inflicted seclusion he had been undergoing. But, that said base was now falling apart. Which had led to him being here, on this road, trudging forward to what would undoubtedly be the most traumatic experience of his entire life.

"Oy, Itachi, watch out for the-"

 _Smack!_

The raven's reverie was broken by the force of his forehead colliding with a low hanging tree branch. And, as the force of gravity is wont to do, his unbalance allowed the laws of physics to take hold and the great Uchiha fell flat on his ass.

"Ow."

Hidan broke out in obnoxious laughter, nearly weeping as the Uchiha rose unsteadily to his feet, rubbing his backside. "Looks like little red-eye wasn't looking were he was going. Haha!"

"Shut up." Itachi felt no need to defend himself. He was much too dignified for that sort of nonsense. And that one time he got conjunctivitis should have been water under the bridge by now.

"I did try to warn you," Kisame said at last. "You've been thinking, haven't you? Otherwise, even you would have laughed at the spider Deidara found in his hair."

Itachi glanced over at the said blonde, whose once perfectly neat hair was mussed and tangled, as if someone had been pulling frantically at it. "I doubt it."

"So, what's up with you?" Kisame pressed.

"I am not keen on this turn of events."

"It could be worse."

"How?"

"Well…give me a sec…um…we could be disbanded…and end up babysitting Tobi!"

"Hn."

"Is that it?!" Deidara's excited voice could be heard from the front of the line. "It's pretty nice, yeah!"

"Considering there's a really fucking hot chick watering flowers in front, that must be it." Hidan remarked.

As if on cue, said woman turned towards the group gathered rather awkwardly in front of the house, a smile breaking out over her lovely oval face. Itachi could admit, albeit privately, that she was not ugly.

"Are you all the Akatsuki?" Itachi frowned at the woman's stupid question. Really, who else would they be?

Pein stepped forward, then, much to everyone's shock, bowed.

"Ms. Yamanaka. Thank you for your cooperation."

"Call me Ino, please. We've known each other for years, Pein, and you always address me so damn formally. Want to come in for a few?"

"No, thank you. I have a bus to catch."

"You guys walked here?"

Pein simply gave the woman a long look.

"Kakuzu," the man said at last, pointing towards the heavily tattooed figure "is in charge of all earnings. And," here Pein sent a pointed glare at each of his men, and even Itachi couldn't help but blink at the venom in his gaze. "you will do exactly what Ino and the rest of her crew tell you. Or else."

"Wonderful." Ino succeeded in surprising all members by bouncing down the steps and engulfing Pein in a hug. The orange haired man noticeably stiffened before awkwardly patting the woman on the back.

"I'll keep you informed about the state of affairs." Pein turned away, and began walking down the path back to the road.

Ino turned to the now leaderless men before her, and a sly grin spread across her features, making Itachi realize this woman was evil incarnate. He took an involuntary step back, suddenly nervous.

"Okay, everyone. Take off your shirts. I need to see what we're working with here."

 **Inside:**

"Hey! Move over! I wanna see…"

Sakura shouldered TenTen to the side, grappling for a spot at the window so she could view the new males, who were now in the process of removing their shirts, each with pained grimaces etched onto their faces.

"There's no need to fight!" Hinata shoved the spitting girls apart, lilac eyes first narrowing as she realized what the females were fighting over, then widening as the removal of shirts was completed by the fine hunks of flesh outside. "Ooh. These are the newbies?"

"Hell yeah!" TenTen exclaimed. "They are so going to make us a good chunk of money!"

"Wait a second…" Sakura frowned "isn't that Sasuke's brother?"

"Holy shit." Hinata blurted out. Both girls turned to look at the indigo-haired beauty. "Oopsie. Pardon my french."

"No need to, honey." TenTen told her, patting the blushing girl on the back. "It's about time you started cursing. You finally embraced your inner goddess and got over the damn stuttering, now you need to cuss once in a while."

"Stripping will do that to you…"

"That is Itachi!" Sakura squealed. "Sasuke will be…actually no, he won't be happy. He's going to be one pissed off motherfucker." The green-eyed vixen laughed to herself. "He's better built than Sasuke too!"

"You must be glad tonight is his last performance." Hinata murmured to the pinkette.

"I guess. He treated me like shit, but I guess you get kind of used to having them around, you know?"

"Yeah, I'll miss Naruto, but we can't all be strippers forever. This was just something to get him back on his feet; it was never meant to be something permanent."

"Aw, Hinata," TenTen gave the younger woman a hug. "I know you liked him, but just look out this window! We now have seven scrumptious men to choose from!"

"Hey, Sakura…" Hinata began.

"Yep?"

"You might want to get out there and intervene…"

Sakura caught a glimpse of Ino, who was now making the criminals remove their pants.

"I'll be back…"

 **Outside:**

It was hard to say who was more relieved when Sakura burst out the front door and marched over to the giggling blond and pulled her to the side, obviously pissed. No one in the the Akatsuki could hear their whispered argument, but when Ino finally stalked off, slamming the door behind her, a wave of thankfulness immediately engulfed the men standing before the new girl.

"You don't have to take your pants off," the pink-haired girl told them "and you can put your shirts back on."

"Thank fuck, yeah." Deidara muttered before slipping his black tee over his head.

"That bitch is fucking hot!" Hidan whispered to Kakuzu, who was standing stoically next to the silver-haired man, looking very much like he was about to kill someone. Which was how he always looked, but that was besides the point.

"I bet she puts out!"

"Shut it, Hidan." Kisame growled, as the girl was now standing in front of the group with her arms crossed, shooting a glare at the two men.

"Look, y'all should be thankful I saved you from Ino's clutches. So, I'm going to ask you all to shut the fuck up and listen to me."

Hidan opened his mouth but Kakuzu slapped a hand over it before the man could speak.

"So, you guys are probably wondering what life is going to be like here." A few nods confirmed the pinkette's suspicion. "Well, we are the best, highest-classed strip club in the county. The club is located on the first floor of the house, and the second floor area is living space. Because there are so many of you, and none of us are moving our shit to accommodate you all, one of you guys will be staying in each of our rooms, and three will share the extra bedroom. If you try to molest us, you will be castrated. Sorry."

"Oh, trust me bitch," Hidan started, dodging Kakuzu's hand. "I have no problem with staying with you." He winked, and Sakura gave him a feral looking smile.

"Just for that, you will be staying in the extra room."

"Fuck." Hidan muttered, Sakura's grin widening at his response.

"You all are quite lucky Ino's club is where Pein sent you. You get to keep eighty percent of your tips, and the patrons won't touch you unless you give them permission too. There's also a gym in the basement. Hinata! TenTen!"

The two women poked their heads out from around the doorway.

"I'm going to separate each of you into groups, and we'll all take you guys on a short tour. You won't be dancing tonight; instead you will be observing. But we'll do a few preliminary lessons. Your first show will be five days from now. You and you," Sakura continued, pointing at Deidara and Sasori "you're with Hinata."

Hinata shyly raised her hand, a tad nervous. That blonde was really, really cute.

"You three…" Sakura pointed at Itachi, Kisame, and Tobi "are with TenTen." The brown haired girl, her hair up in perfect buns, grinned and waved at the three men, one of the group doing a twirl of delight and the other two uttering soft groans of despair.

"And I'll take you two."

Hidan smirked. "Couldn't resist?" Sakura only snorted in response.

Kakuzu blinked, surprised. Privately, and ONLY privately, he considered the pink haired nymph attractive.

 **Three tours and two broken vases later:**

Kakuzu after some thought, came to the ultimate conclusion that things could be worse. Judging from the sleek, fashionable design of the club and the utilities of the premises, the gals here raked in a fair bit of dough. And he was more than happy to take part in that.

Hidan was pleased with the arrangements, and, secure in the knowledge he was the epitome of physical perfection, decided he would fully cooperate, because fuck it, his body deserved to be worshipped.

Kisame was thankful for the chance to prove he too was as attractive and as skilled as his fellow members.

Deidara, told he could use non-destructive pyrotechnics in his show, was actually excited.

Sasori was informed he would be a bouncer most of the time, and could make props for the club. He was content.

Tobi loved dancing.

And Itachi didn't give a fuck.

All of these revelations were reported to the three strippers turned tour guides, and Ino was relieved she wouldn't have to threaten any members with a frying pan to get them to cooperate.

So, a general consensus having been reached, was how the crowd ended up in the basement gym, the three girls being handsy with the boys as they tried to teach them certain moves.

"No, Hidan, circles, rotate in a smooth manner…" Sakura instructed, hands on the man's hips.

"Bitch, I'll show how smooth I can be…" The pink-haired girl giggled before smacking him lightly on the shoulder.

"Don't be naughty."

Much to Deidara's displeasure, the zealot was smirking like a fool. The blonde tried to imitate his fellow, causing a squeal to escape from Ino's lips. "That's perfect Deidara! Just like that!" Confidence growing, the man proceeded with his dance, hips rotating in perfect rhythm, hands playing with the bottom of his tee showing delicious glimpses of tan, toned skin. Sakura turned to look at him, and Deidara tried for a seductive grin, mentally high fiving himself as the pink-haired beauty blushed.

Overall, the four strippers were very pleased with their trainees' progress. They no longer took off clothes like they were simply changing; they flaunted it, owned it, took off their shirts like they were gods walking the earth, just like they should.

Except for Itachi. That man was a major fail.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Uchiha?" Hidan sniggered, swiveling his hips to the strains of "I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby." "You dance like a fucking robot."

In response, Itachi rotated his hips experimentally, causing collective groans to rise from the crowd.

"Itachi, honey," Ino started, then stopped at the furious look in the raven's eyes. She took a deep breath. "You dance like you have Parkinson's." At this Kisame collapsed into a fit of silent laughter.

"I've never learned to dance."

"Haven't you ever…I don't know…let yourself just move to a beat? Alone?"

"No. I do not engage in such frivolous activities."

"Fuckin' loser." Hidan muttered, drawing a few chuckles from Deidara and Kisame.

Sakura sighed, close to exasperated with the situation and ready to intervene. "Itachi, how do you learn best?"

His dark eyes cold, Itachi turned to the pinkette and sneered. "I'm a strictly visual learner."

"Have you seen Magic Mike?"

"What?"

 **A few minutes away from show time:**

The fearsome Akatsuki lurked in the shadows of the room, feeling out of place as the club gradually filled with provocatively dressed women and eager men. Their hosts had left to get ready, and the group had been put to work cleaning tables and mopping floors. The area was tastefully decorated, with red carpet, black couches, and numerous chairs and tables scattered around. It was now very clean, too.

But the main attraction was the newly swept stage and catwalk. The stage, black, had three silver poles in the background that extended to the ceiling, and was lit by high quality stage lights that could turn the room from pale blue to blood red in an instant, depending on the song being played. The crew had been introduced to Kiba, the guy who took care of the lights and music, and Temari, a blonde haired woman that took no shit, as tonight's MC.

"This is fucking cool, yeah?" Deidara remarked to Kisame. "Soon, we'll be the ones on that stage, having money thrown at us." The blonde frowned. "Provided Uchiha doesn't fuck up his dancing. I never thought I'd see Tobi outclass someone in anything."

Judging from Itachi's traumatized look as he had emerged from the room Sakura had sent him to so he could watch…some kind of movie…Kisame didn't think Itachi would be an issue. He then gave a secret grin at the prospect of getting to see his 'teachers' strip tonight. They were all extremely attractive, especially the fiery blonde in charge of the whole operation. He'd always liked a girl with balls. But the pinkie was pretty hot too, even if her chest wasn't as big as the others'. And the dark haired girl? Best tits he'd seen in a long time.

 **"Five minutes till show time, people."** Temari's sultry voice boomed throughout the room. The place certainly had a kickass sound system.

"You all ready to watch and learn?" Sakura had snuck up behind them, walking gracefully despite her abominably high heels that made her toned legs look even sexier. Deidara gulped audibly as he took her in, and Hidan's jaw hit the floor. Kisame, feeling generous, shut it for him.

"Damn, girl." the blue-skinned man smiled. "You look smoking."

"More than that, yeah." Deidara managed, his fair cheeks more than a bit red. She was dressed in a tight black corset, her pink hair worn straight and long so that it flowed down her back in a seamless pink wave. He found himself captivated by those viridescent eyes made impossibly huge and round with smoky eyeshadow and dark mascara.

"Better close your mouth, Deidara. You're catching flies in it." The pinkette smirked as Deidara's cheeks flamed again. "Enjoy the show."

"Fucking damn. Just, damn."

"Shut up Hidan, yeah."

The high sound of a microphone squealing brought the noise level in the club down to a murmur. **"Ladies and gentleman, welcome, welcome to Yamanaka's De-Flowering Shop! Tonight, we have our monthly mixed night, featuring your favorite dancers! I give you** ** _TenTen!"_**

A bright light flashed on at the left of the stage, revealing the brunette. Kakuzu twitched, drawing a funny look from Hidan as the girl was revealed, her long hair down to her petite waist, her legs impossibly long in silver heels, and her features barely concealed behind scraps of blue fabric.

 **"** ** _Ino!_** **"**

The appearance of the blonde caused a barrage of whoops and cat calls from the men in the crowd. Her pink lips were wet and slightly parted, as if the light flashed on in the middle of ecstasy.

"Tobi likes the pretty girl!"

"Quiet. Now." Kisame snapped, taking in the girl's curvy form. He tried to stomp down the increasingly dirty thoughts running through his mind as his pale eyes raked over her, relishing the glimpse of ass and boob he got from the tiny pink outfit she was wearing.

 _ **"Annnd Sakura!"**_

"Holy fuck." Hidan breathed, earning a glare from Deidara.

But the most shocking reaction was from Itachi, who actually startled at the sight of her.

Kisame grinned. _Looks like the kid has hormones after all._

A few seconds passed, and then the strains of Simon Curtis's 'Diablo' began to filter through the room. Sakura started to dance, moving effortlessly to the music and shooting sultry glances or pouty lips at her shouting admirers, her body immediately sinking into the groove with an instinct that came with years of practice. She was quite skilled, hips rotating slowly and sensually as she gripped her pole, climbing the metal with little effort and spreading her legs wide as she spiraled down to the ground, writhing against the stage provocatively.

"They are very skilled." Kakuzu stated, trying to ignore the lustful thoughts darting around his head.

"Shit, man. I didn't realize you even had in fucking in you to find women attractive." Hidan laughed.

Kakuza smiled, which was downright horrifying. Each member knew for a fact that Kakuzu only smiled for three reasons: When he was getting paid, when he was about to kill someone in a particularly nasty way, or when he was about to seriously piss off a fellow member.

"Actually, Hidan, do you remember that lovely black haired damsel you wanted to hook up with at the Eye of the Moon?"

Hidan nodded warily.

"Turns out, tattoos were very…appealing to her."

"You motherfucker!"

"Yes, she was good too."

Kisame barely managed to hold the man back in time.

 **A few songs and several arguments later:**

"So, Sasori, why do you fucking get off making puppets?"

Said redhead shot Hidan a lethal glare.

"I do not "get off" making puppets, you asshole. I just like having something to do with my hands." Sasori retorted.

"I like doing stuff with my hands too…"

"That's just gross, yeah." Deidara cut in.

"Says the man who has fucking mouths tattooed on his."

"Can you all cut the unnecessary chit-chit? These gals must be raking in about 500 bucks a night…trying to figure it out…"

"You and your hard on for money, Kakuzu. Wonder if you'll ever get some actual pussy with that attitude." Kisame laughed.

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. "For your information, I can say without fear of contradiction that I get more than you."

"He's got a point." Sasori muttered into his rum and coke.

"You guys are mean."

"Don't listen to them, Kisame. Your pretty damn decent. And very unique." A soft female voice interrupted the group's bickering.

Every head turned to look at the indigo haired temptress standing before them. She was dressed in a purple thong, which was stuffed with bills, and nothing else.

"Holy shit, bitch, that is one nice rack."

Hinata raised one carefully sculpted eyebrow. "It makes for good tips." Then, a smirk crossed her features. "Anyway, I wouldn't be so surprised at the fact we're topless…you'll be wearing next to nothing soon enough." She laughed as the members looked around frantically.

"We fucking missed the tits!" Hidan groaned, slamming his face down into the table. All the members looked disappointed at this realization, except for Tobi, who had been given a game boy and was sitting underneath the table.

A fair-haired man sauntered up to the dark-haired girl and snapped a twenty before her. She sighed, then turned to go.

"Sorry boys. Duty calls." She was flattered by Hidan's muttered curse and Kisame's murmur of discontent, and made a last minute decision to grace them with a smile as she led the man away.

 **"Okay boys, how was that for the ladies? Can I get a round of applause?"** Temari's smooth voice boomed throughout the room, causing the gang to look back towards the empty stage. **"Now, for all you queens out there, are you ready to meet your kings for tonight?"** Raucous screams and frantic applause answered the questions. **"Well, I'm pleased to introduce our male entertainment tonight…** ** _Naruto and Sasuke!"_**

As the curtains parted to reveal two men, two men clothed in naught but black tanks and jeans, Kisame looked over at his friend and realized Itachi had keeled over in a dead faint.

"You're fucking telling Itachi's brother works here? That little shit wouldn't know pussy if it sat on his face!" Hidan muttered.

"It appears so. Itachi, wake up!" Kisame responded, shaking the raven's shoulder.

"Please tell me I'm dreaming." Itachi pleaded. "Please."

"I'm sorry…" Kisame's apology was interrupted as the music of "Jet Pack Blues" by Fall Out Boy began to thrum throughout the room.

"Tobi likes this song!"

"Shut up, Tobi." Kakuzu snapped. Being a male, he was not opposed whatsoever to a nice view of womanly curves, but the knowledge that he was supposed to watch Itachi's brother strip made him want to join Tobi underneath the table.

 _*I've got those jet pack blues, just like Judy*_

At the first lyrics, Sasuke began to rotate his hips sensually, head thrown back as if in rapture, causing Itachi to develop a nervous twitch as he realized he was about to watch his little brother take his clothes off.

 _*She's in a long black coat tonight, waiting for me in the downpour outside*_

Itachi gave a faint moan as the change in speed prompted Sasuke to hasten up his tempo, crouching low and turning so every women could get a good view of his circling tush. Itachi contemplated gouging out his eyes but decided that would be messy and he'd probably have to go to a doctor and he really didn't like doctors but this was singularly horrifying and…

 _*And I remember baby, come home,*_

His brother's shirt was off now, and the screams from the mob of women in front of the stage masked Itachi's second fainting fit. Kisame was vaguely concerned about the newest development, but he was told to watch and learn, so damn it he was going to even if seeing Sasuke shirtless would scar him for life.

Said man began to gyrate his hips, falling to the stage and gyrating against it, body undulating smoothly and six pack flexing with the effort, smirking as the women surrounding him threw wads of cash at him.

 _*Did you ever love her, do you know?*_

He was standing again, holding onto on the stripper's poles and moving against it, running his hands through his mussed hair and closing his eyes, giving the screaming ladies a nice view of his chiseled chest and shapely throat.

Kakuzu was occupied with suppressing the urge to dart on stage and start gathering up the wayward cash.

Deidara was transfixed, rooted to the spot in fear.

Itachi was in a horror-induced coma.

Tobi had just evolved his Bulbasaur.

 _*I've got those jet pack blues, fight off the light tonight*_

Now, it was the blond's turn, the one the group assumed to be "Naruto." The man was more built than Sasuke, and was very tan in comparison to the younger Uchiha. He moved to the front of the stage, swiveling his lean hips suggestively, pulling up his blank tank to give all the women an eyeful of his abs.

 _What the hell does this guy do in his spare time? You could practically grate cheese on those things._ Deidara wondered, suddenly insecure. He snuck a hand under his own shirt and felt his own abs, as if to ascertain they were still there. Judging from Hidan's scared look, the zealot was wondering the same thing.

 _*Our hands were just that close, the sweetness never lasted, no*_

The two men were gyrating side by side now, hips moving, abdominals flexing, bodies undulating in perfect synch as the duo popped their hips and twerked. They dropped to the floor, writhing against the catwalk as females swarmed them and ran their hands over the partially naked bodies, stuffing dollar bills into the mens' jeans.

"Where the fuck did that little prick learn to dance like that?" Hidan whispered to Kakuzu and Kisame. "I know my body is practically perfection but damn, are we gonna be able to pull shit like that off?"

"We have good teachers, yeah." Deidara chimed in, keeping an eye on the still moving figures on the stage. Inwardly, he was anxious about their upcoming debut.

"Look at all that money…" Kakuzu murmured. "At least six hundred bucks, no doubt."

 _*I remember baby, come home, I remember baby, come home*_

At the culmination of the beat, the entertainers ripped off their pants, drawing a strangled scream from the once stoic Itachi as the muscled, pale globes of Sasuke's ass were revealed, each cheek flexing in time to the music and the younger Uchiha's v-line in perfect view as he continued to circle his hips and feel himself up. The ladies in front went wild, hooting and hollering as Sasuke's ass was put on display.

At the next strain, Naruto again took the front spotlight, arms rippling with muscle as he lifted a women from the audience and proceeded to enact explicit acts, the other ladies screaming approval and continuing to stuff bills into the blond's black thong. Sasuke copied his partner's action, grabbing the back of a woman's head and simulating another sexual activity as the song changed to "Pour Some Sugar on Me."

"We get to fucking do that?" Hidan exclaimed, suddenly excited.

"I suppose so." Kakuzu muttered, $ signs appearing in his eyes as he watched to dancers finish their first song, thongs stuffed to the brim with cash.

Itachi, though, had had enough. He lurched to his feet, steadied by Kisame, and began walking towards the back room where the strippers changed.

"Where the fuck are you going, red-eye?"

Itachi turned, the killing intent coming off of the raven in waves as he faced the self-proclaimed priest.

"I need to talk to my little brother."


	3. In Which Itachi is Mobbed

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment purposes only.**

 **Author's Note: To everyone who has followed, favorited, and especially reviewed, I give many thanks. I would really like to hear from anyone that has a preference for pairings, scenarios, etc. Shoot me a review or PM and I'll be happy to oblige as best I can.**

Itach struggled through throngs of clapping women and several gatherings of drunkards before he, somehow, made it to the changing room, secretly congratulating himself for not killing anyone. He was quite pleased with his self control at this point in time, considering he had just seen Sasuke twerk in front of a hundred screaming women; the pale shape of his brother's ass was now ingrained into his mind forever, and Itachi knew that this was a memory he would never be able to erase, no matter how desperately he wished to.

The room was fairly posh, with thick black carpeting, lockers, a fridge full of water, and wall to wall mirrors, in which Itachi glimpsed his frazzled expression. The man tried to smooth his face into its usual blank look, but as the image of Sasuke's gyrating bottom half surfaced again, his face once more took on the guise of someone who has just been scarred for life.

About twenty minutes passed before he heard voices.

"That was great Sasuke! You sly dog, you had those chicks just drooling over you!"

"Shut up, fool. I've made more cash at the Sound Bar. It'll be a fucking relief to get out of this shithole and go to a place I really belong at."

"Aw, don't say that, you bastard!" A slightly whiny, but definitely masculine voice that Itachi could only guess belonged to "Naruto" continued "I thought you liked it here."

"Sakura was a good fuck every once in a while, but I can get a better lay at Orochimaru's club."

"Oy, don't talk about Sakura like that…"

At hearing his brother's words, Itachi froze. His brother was going to continue stripping under the eye of _Orochimaru?_ If Itachi was unhappy before, he was furious now. He narrowed his eyes and stepped out from behind a row of lockers, facing his brother head on.

Sasuke gaped like a fish out of water, mouth hanging open as he took in the irate form of his older brother. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing, little brother."

Sasuke's face contorted into a snarl of fury and he lunged at the elder Uchiha with the intent to kill.

"No, Sasuke, don't do it!" The blond flung himself at Sasuke, tackling the pale man to the ground where they thrashed in a tangle of limbs before staggering to their feet. "Hatred is not the answer! Or violence…something along those lines!"

Sasuke, trying to control his fury, at last ground out "You have exactly five seconds to explain what you're doing here before I kill you."

"I've been hired-"

"What?"

"-but the more important question is why you have taken on the life of a stripper."

Sasuke sighed before replying. "Don't be an ass, Itachi. As much money as I need and as many women as I want to fuck every weekend. It's not your business anyway."

"I have a favor to ask of you, little brother."

Sasuke snarled in anger. "You motherfucking bastard, you come waltzing into my life after I thought I was finally rid of you and now you have a fucking favor to ask of me? You can shove your stupid favor up your ass and-"

"I just want you to put pants on." Itachi cut in smoothly. "It's quite difficult to take you seriously when you're wearing a thong."

Sasuke glowered, and Naruto tried and failed to hold in a laugh. "He does have a point," the blonde remarked as he opened a locker and slipped into some basketball shorts. "I often find it hard to take myself seriously after a show."

"Shut up, fool. I can finally have revenge at last…" Sasuke said, turning back towards Itachi "You have interfered with my life for the last time."

"You are still displeased at me for the incidence with Mr. Nibbles, aren't you?" Itachi asked, frowning. "I didn't mean for Mrs. Whiskers to get him, but you know how cats are."

"That hamster will never be replaced!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Naruto stepped in between the feuding brothers, pressing his hands against their chests to keep them apart. "You mean this whole thing between you and Itachi started when his cat killed your hamster?"

"Yes. And he never got in trouble for it!" Sasuke snapped. "But," here the younger Uchiha sneered "you never answered my original question, dearest brother. Why the fuck. Are you here. If I like the answer I might let you live."

Itachi failed to hold back a smirk. "I'm replacing you."

Sasuke gave a snort of derision. "You, working here? Yeah, right."

"Actually, Sasuke, I hate to break it to you but…er…he's telling the truth." Naruto interjected. "Sakura told me about it, something about the Akatsuki having financial issues. I think."

In exasperation, Sasuke threw his hands up in the air, face going as red as his beloved tomatoes. "I fucking give up. I'm out of here, and you guys can go fuck yourselves if you think for one second that I'll be replaced, you're wrong-"

Itachi merely blinked at his brother's rant.

"-and just wait till I come back-"

Here Naruto looked at Itachi and gave a helpless shrug that said _He gets like this sometimes. You just have to let him vent for a while._

"-they'll come crawling after me, begging for me to return, I'm sure it'll be Sakura they send, and she'll be pleading for me to fuck her good again-"

Itachi and Naruto exchanged long glances, a unspoken camaraderie built between them as the two listened to Sasuke rage. It was a glimpse of what an average day dealing with the younger Uchiha was like, and the raven and blonde could both relate to that.

"-Ino too, there's no way a bunch of fucking criminals could ever-"

Naruto pulled out a file and began shaping his nails, nodding every once in a while.

"-strippers, those emotionally void sons of bitches aren't going to-"

Itachi decided this was a good opportunity to inspect the mole on his left arm.

"-replace me. The idea is laughable…pink-haired bitch will come running after-"

Naruto looked over at Itachi and the latter nodded, indicating the fair-haired young man should probably intervene before Sasuke gave himself an aneurysm. Which was a legitimate concern, if the man's now plum colored face was anything to go by.

"I think that's enough, Sasuke." Naruto said gently. "I understand you're upset, but let's be reasonable…"

"Now you're siding with him too! I should've known I was surrounded by traitors." Sasuke hissed, glaring directly at Itachi. "I'll be back. You haven't heard the last from me." With that sentiment, Sasuke turned, grabbed his keys, and stalked out of the changing room, slamming the door behind him.

Naruto turned to Itachi and sighed. "The bastard forgot to put pants on again…"

 **Several hours later, at about 2 a.m:**

"You're telling me the little shit walked out of here without putting pants on?" Hidan was clutching his stomach and pounding the table in mirth. "That is fucking great! You're pretty cool, little dude."

"Well, thanks." Naruto replied. "Let me tell you about the time we we were almost arrested when we went out dressed as cops…"

The Akatsuki crew, Naruto, and the girls were all seated on couches in the now clean and empty club area, sipping drinks, trading stories, and generally having a good time.

"So, we get to the place and start changing into our uniforms, when the real cops showed up out of nowhere and held us at gunpoint, frisking us and everything. I was like 'Bro, our pants have Velcro and shit, they just tear away' but they didn't care. Anyway, one goes into the party and comes out ten minutes later with his shirt gone and his belt crooked. Chicks thought he was us! So we got off scot-free."

Everyone collapsed in a fit of laughter, except for Kakuzu and Itachi, the former of whom managed a smirk. The latter was still brooding over the incident with Sasuke, and had been throwing back alcohol like there was no tomorrow.

"Okay, y'all, I've got a question." Ino interrupted. "During training today, everyone but the Uchiha managed to pull off decent moves, and that's no small feat. How on earth did you guys get your bodies that toned?"

"I've got this one, yeah." Deidara answered, setting down his cup of sake and giving a haughty smirk. "We're a bunch of elite criminals. Of course we've gotta be able to do shit like climb walls and hold ourselves up. It's practically in the job description, yeah."

The girls raised their eyebrows and Naruto grinned. "That's pretty sweet. I had to train with the bastard for months before the girls let me walk on stage, believe it!"

"Well, we don't have much of choice but to let these guys get up there ASAP. Sasuke quit…guess he forgot it was supposedly his last day already," Sakura said, more guffaws greeting her observation. "and you're leaving the day after tomorrow for your book signing."

"Yeah, but I'll pop in tomorrow. Help you guys train!"

Kisame grinned. "That wouldn't be so bad, but I'm hoping I'll have a certain lovely lady teaching me again." The blue-skinned man winked at Hinata.

"Aw, stop it, Kisame," the girl managed, cheeks red with embarrassment.

"Never."

"Hey, everyone! Guess who's the responsible gal here and brought more sake!" TenTen called, sauntering over with two more bottles in hand. "Got these beauties on sale actually and have been saving them for ages."

"Is that so?" Kakuzu mused, eyeing the brunette.

"Kakuzu, everyone can see you have a raging hard on for saving money. Put it back in your pants and save it for the fucking flea markets." Hidan snickered.

"Thriftiness is always a good attribute in a man." TenTen snapped at the zealot.

A scream came out from underneath a table and everyone jumped as a black shape leapt onto the couch and began hugging Itachi.

"What the fuck?" Hidan asked, leaping up and backing away slowly.

"Tobi found the legendary birds! Tobi has an Articuno and Moltres now!"

"Shit, I totally forgot about him." Kisame said, pullling the masked man off of a practically catatonic Itachi. "Sorry, Itachi. I know today's been rough for you. I'll put him to bed." Kisame dragged Tobi upstairs, yelling at the group to save him some sake.

As the alcohol began flowing once more, courtesy of TenTen, tongues began to loosen until even Kakuzu joined in on the fun, recalling how he met Pein (it was in anatomy class while dissecting cow hearts) and Itachi revealed the story behind the disappearance of Mr. Nibbles.

"-I told Sasuke to keep his room door shut, but he didn't. Mrs. Whiskers had been eyeing that rodent for weeks."

"Never thought you'd be the type to care for an animal, red-eye." Hidan laughed.

 _"Red-eye?"_ murmured Tenten to Deidara.

 _"Conjunctivitis."_ the blonde whispered back.

"Sure as hell know I'd end up fucking killing any living thing I got my hands on." He took another sip of sake. "Life here definitely beats life in the convent, like seriously."

"Hold up a sec," Sakura asked. "you were in a convent?"

"Fuck yeah, bitch. I'm a priest and everything."

"But what about, like, chastity vows and stuff?"

"Fuck that shit. My religion doesn't apply that crap. Thank Jashin. If I wasn't allowed to get laid once in a while…Shit, that would suck."

"So…Jashin is like, your god?" TenTen asked.

Kakuzu intervened by smashing a couch pillow into Hidan's face.

"Do not. I repeat, do not get him started," the tattooed man growled. "Just don't."

Hidan sank into the couch, scowling. "Tch. You're no fun, Kakuzu."

"I hate to be the one to bring it up, yeah, but how are we gonna compete with Sasuke?" Deidara asked randomly. Everyone glared at the blonde, and Deidara glanced around for support. "Sasori, my man, you saw the way he danced. How are we supposed to do that, yeah?"

"You always ruin the fun, brat." Sasori snapped, throwing back another shot. "But his question is valid."

At this, Naruto jumped up and struck his characteristic "Nice Guy" pose. "I'll teach you all! Tomorrow at noon, everyone meet up in basement and I swear that everyone will end up even better than Sasuke. I never go back on my word, it's my entertainer way!"

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Kisame said, leaning against the doorway leading upstairs. "But, as the leader of our little band," here Kakuzu glared at him "I think it's time we got to bed."

"Hear hear." Ino slurred.

"There is a slight problem." Itachi stated. "Where are we supposed to sleep?"

"I want to sleep in the pinkie's room!" Hidan yelled.

"Me too, yeah!"

Sakura sighed. "How about we leave it up to chance? Someone get a hat."

"On it." Hinata stepped out for a brief time, and the others took the opportunity to drain their cups.

"Here. I also brought a marker and paper. We know Tobi is in the guest room, so let me write down our names, and your names, and we'll draw for it." A rustle as the the names were mixed. "Okay, first we have who'll get Sakura…" The girl reached into the hat and drew a name. "Itachi, you'll be in her room." Said raven inclined his head at the pinkette, ignoring the groan from Hidan. "Now for me…Kisame." The blue-skinned man gave a wide grin and Hinata blushed. "Ino…" Another rustle. "You'll have Sasori. And Kakuzu, you'll be with TenTen."

Sasori and Kakuzu nodded, seemingly content with the agreement.

"Well, goodnight everyone!" Sakura called before heading up, Itachi in tow and followed closely by the rest of the crew.

As the night grew still and the murmurs of conversation turned to heavy breathing, the only sound that lingered was the echoing _thump!_ of Deidara's head hitting the wall as he, once again, was stuck with Tobi.

 **Much later than noon the next day:**

"Good afternoon everyone! Welcome to Stripping 101! My name is Naruto and let me give you a little background about myself…"

"No one cares, yeah!" Deidara called. "We already know you have a tattoo on your stomach!"

"Your wasting my time, brat." Sasori frowned. "Get on with it."

"Fine, fine." Naruto said, holding up his hands to ward off the incoming verbal attacks. "We'll start with shirt removal. Now, the most important part is to make it sexy. Like this-" Naruto pulled at the hem of his grey tank, moving his hips slowly as he revealed a few glimpses of chiseled abs before seamlessly pulling the shirt over his head, muscles rippling with the effort. "Remember, you are teasing the audience, you are flaunting it, you are a god!"

"Yes, I know." Hidan joked. "Like seriously though, like this?" Hidan ran his hands down his body sensually, swiveling his hips before grabbing the bottom of his purple shirt and and pulling it off. Only mentally could the man admit he was a little nervous about the whole thing; he had no desire whatsoever to make a fool of himself on stage.

"Yes, yes, that's it." Naruto said, causing the girls in the room to give a quick round of applause. "Alright, who's next? How about you? Kisame, right?"

The blue skinned man nodded before moving his hips from side, prompting the others to join him in the practice, the girls guiding each man as necessary.

"Nice job…nice job… More hip movements, Sasori… Good, try to make the transition a little smoother." Naruto turned towards the giggling females, a pleased expression on his face. "You've got naturals on your hands." Then, his smile faltered. "It's too bad I won't be a part of it."

"Aw, Naruto, don't be upset!" Ino exclaimed. "You can come back and perform any time! Unlike Sasuke, who is probably getting off undressing for that Orochimaru y'all were telling me about."

At this, Kisame, Hidan, and Deidara erupted into gales of laughter, and Ino's joke had succeeded in drawing smirks from Sasori and Kakuzu.

Itachi had a blank look, but everyone would probably die of shock if he laughed so it was for the best he was barely capable of cracking a smile.

"Help! Tobi is stuck!" The masked man had somehow gotten tangled in his own shirt and was now rolling on the floor helplessly, pleading for someone to save him.

"Jesus H. Christ, Tobi, it's just getting undressed. You do it every day." Kisame groaned, assisting Hinata in unraveling his frantic companion from the confines of his pink t-shirt.

"Okay, how about we move onto a group dance routine?" Naruto asked. "See,what's different about us versus the girls is that we have to like, choreograph our stuff. They just dance."

Sakura gave a happy smile and turned on some music.

"Let's go!"

 _*This is not the way into my heart Into my head Into my brain Into none of the above*_

Naruto grinned at the music choice, turning away so the other members could follow his movements easily. He crouched down and swiveled his hips, the group following his movements. "Just be free, but follow along." The girls gave a round of applause as the Akatsuki members were able to follow his basic movements, gyrating their hips in time to the music.

 _*We can get a little crazy just for fun, just for fun don't even try to hold it back just let go*_

"Now crouch, thrust, body roll!"

Kisame smirked at Hinata, who was watching him carefully as he undulated his body with perfect control, being sure to flex every possible muscle. He wasn't showing off, oh no, he was just 'getting into it.'

Sakura realized Itachi was indeed a visual learner, if his flawless motions were anything to go by.

The group continued with their in sync movements, following Naruto's rolls and thrusts as the girls cheered them on; the boys, encouraged by the praise, grew bolder in their movements, until Ino was pretty sure Deidara could be mistaken for Miley Cyrus if he had boobies.

 _*Push up to my body sink your teeth into my flesh*_

Here Hidan gave a lascivious grin and threw back his head, running his hands through his slicked-back hair and executed a perfect body roll, bottom half in unbroken motion, as he kept time with Naruto's actions. Sakura couldn't help but stare at the male, and Hidan gave her a sly wink before turning his attention back to Naruto.

 _*Hold me up against the wall, give it 'til I beg, give me some more*_

"Drop to the floor and grind!" Naruto commanded, the men doing their best to follow the blonde's move. While Deidara, Itachi, and Sasori executed the move perfectly, Kakuzu and Kisame struggled but swiftly corrected themselves, matching the others in their fluid undulations as the group ground and thrust into the floor as one entity, Deidara even being so bold as to use only his left hand, his right hitting the floor in a mockery of sexual submission.

 _*Hold my hands above my head and push my face into the bed cuz I'm a screamer baby make me a mute*_

"Stand up, drop down, back up, body roll, thrust and TEASE!" Naruto shouted, rubbing his hands up and down his abs, not quite showing all the skin while rolling his hips smoothly. They all followed suit, and the girls practically had nosebleeds as the criminals turned entertainers each showed them glimpses of deliciously sculpted abdominals.

 _*You can dominate the game cuz I'm tough*_

"Down again! Move the the left, across the floor, then up!"

TenTen gave a thumbs-up to Deidara as the blonde matched Naruto flawlessly, controlling his fall to the floor perfectly and writhing against the mat provocatively, causing the brunette to raise her eyebrows and blush.

Sakura, feeling devilish, carefully walked up to Kakuzu and stuffed a dollar bill into the waistband of his sweatpants, drawing a smile out of the miser and prompting him to continue the seductive motions, his tattooed arms rippling with muscle as he ground against the floor.

 _*So you'd better believe I like it rough*_

Naruto jumped up and twerked twice before getting into a crab like position and rolling his hips, the Akatsuki copying his motions with relative grace.

Ino smiled at a smirking Sasori before turning her attention to Tobi, who was now playing cat's cradle with his shoelace. She gave the redhead a questioning look and Sasori shook his head. As far as stripping, Tobi was a lost cause.

 _*Push up to my body sink your teeth into my flesh, hold me down and make me scream*_

"And shirts off!" Naruto commanded.

Ino, TenTen, Hinata, and Sakura could only goggle as they finally got a unimpeded view of the superb physique of the members.

Deidara, his long hair mussed, gave a seductive grin and ran his hands against his abs, smirking at the staring girls.

Itachi caught Sakura looking at him and blinked at her look of raw hunger.

Hidan was just glad to get his damn shirt off.

Hinata gaped at Kisame's defined biceps and pectorals, turning red as the man smiled smugly at her, earning a scowl from Sasori.

Tobi finally succeeded in executing the "Soldier's Bed" with his shoelace and gave a squeal of joy.

After a few more moments of tantalizing movements courtesy of the boys, the music stopped, prompting the girls to jump up and scream their enthusiasm, each running to hug the men, sweaty as they were.

"My God-"

"Jashin!" coughed Hidan, who was ignored.

"-Itachi! That was beautiful!" Sakura exclaimed, turning a light pink as she took another peek at the raven's eight pack.

Itach couldn't stop the the small smile that graced his features. "I did say I was a visual learner…"

"Holy fuck, red eye smiled!" Hidan said, shocked. "But, like seriously bitch, you aren't even going to tell me how sexy I was?"

Sakura just laughed. "Fine. Ahem. Hidan, you were very sexy." Sakura failed to catch Itachi's irked expression.

"Don't I fucking know it," the silver haired man responded, winking.

Ino was practically weeping with joy in the corner, holding onto a slightly frightened looking Sasori. "We're gonna be okay, God-"

"Jashin!"

"-you guys were so amazing, put Sasuke to shame and everything."

"Nice job everyone!" Naruto remarked, pulling his shirt back on, then turning to the girls. "One last hug, for a while?" he asked, puppy-dog eyes widening.

"WELL DUH!" the girls yelled at once and mobbed him, engulfing the blonde in a giant group hug.

"Shit, I'm late." Naruto said, catching a glimpse of his watch. "Bye, everyone."

The blonde left the room in a hurry, his departure graced by a few tears and many waves as he left the club as a stripper for the last time.

"I'm gonna miss him…" Sakura murmured.

"We all will." Ino agreed. "But, we do have something to celebrate! Have you all been to the beach?"

 **At the beach:**

"So, who exactly is Orochimaru?" Ino asked, reclining in her beach chair and putting on her sunglasses. The group had, after a time, agreed to go to the beach because _"You guys need to get used to not having clothes on, and to people staring at you._ " Or so was TenTen's reasoning.

Kakuzu squirted the perfect amount of sunscreen into his palm (no need to waste) and began to rub the substance onto his muscled, stitch-covered back.

"Let me help you with that." TenTen insisted, fending off the man's protestations and taking over the job, finally prompting Kakuzu to relax into her touch. It had been a while since he'd been with a woman. Maybe it was time to try his luck again.

"Well?" Ino pressed, pulling her hair up into a ponytail.

Deidara rolled his eyes at her insistence. "Damn, you're persistent, yeah." He continued, however. "Basically, Orochimaru is a member who bears un uncanny resemblance to Michael Jackson. He left us two years ago and is still really pissing us off, and is the reason we're in this mess, yeah. Financially wise."

"And that's the guy Sasuke is now stripping for?" Sakura interjected.

"Yes, that little prick has got to be gay, running off and fucking stripping for that snake loving pedophile." Hidan affirmed, snatching the sunscreen from Kakuzu and pouring a liberal amount on his chest and eyeing a couple bikini-clad chicks wandering by.

Itachi put on a pair of shades, not sparing the girls a second glance.

"Now, I know where he gets it from, yeah." Deidara muttered, getting a few chuckles out of Hidan and Ino.

The group on the sand heard a squeal and saw Kisame splash Hinata as she waded knee deep into the ocean. The indigo-haired girl looked gorgeous in her deep purple bikini that showed off every curve she had along with her sparkling belly ring.

"Don't do that!" she commanded, frowning at the blue-skinned man.

Kisame responded by splashing her again, then standing up to slick back his navy hair, water running in tiny streams from his neck to his chest to down his abs.

"You're cute when you angry, little kitten." Kisame smirked before scooping Hinata into his arms and dumping her into the water all at once, oblivious to her anger.

Ino, Sakura, and TenTen exchanged looks. _They_ knew what was going on.

At last Sakura broke the silence. "I do find it kind of adorable you all have matching swim trunks."

Deidara pulled at his black suit that was embroidered with delicate red clouds. "Standard issue, yeah. Courtesy of Konan."

"That's so cute!" Ino squealed. "Maybe we should do that!"

Sakura eyed Ino's baby blue bikini. "Um, no. I'll stick with my black one, thank you very much." A pause. "Why does he always wear a mask?" she asked, pointing at Tobi.

Sasori cracked open a can of Pepsi and took a delicate sip, eyeing the masked man as he molded sand castles and decorated his creations with sea shells, orange mask shining in the fading light. "I don't really know…guess he was in an accident or something. I've asked him once but all he muttered was "Tobi is a good boy" and then he started crying until Konan made him some cocoa."

"That's too bad." TenTen sighed. "But at least he's the only one that causes problems, huh?"

"Actually…" Sasori replied "We've never all gotten along too well with each other…We've been dragged to group therapy a couple times, but as the therapist was usually held there against his will…How many partners have you killed, Kakuzu? Like, five?"

"It's not my fault I get the most annoying partners," the miser retorted.

"Hey!" Hidan sulked. " And here I thought we were getting along so well after your anger management classes."

"OH MY GOD THERE HE IS!" A high pitched squeal comprising of numerous female voices cut across the sand as a cluster of bikini-clad chicks suddenly converged on the group, heading straight for Itachi.

The raven's eyes widened in shock and he dove behind Sakura's beach chair as the girls reached them, begging for Itachi's attention.

"Oh, Itachi, can I be your girlfriend?"

"Please go out with me!"

"Will you sign my shirt?"

"Sign my boobs, Itachi!"

"Holy shit." Hidan remarked, joining his fellows in backing away from the situation. "Where the fuck did they come from?" Kisame and Hinata watch from a distance as the women stalked closer.

"How do they know me?" Itachi muttered to Sakura, who was the only one who stood her ground.

The pinkette took a deep breath. "Itachi, you're going to hate me, but there's no other way. Sit in Ino's chair."

Itachi, choosing uncertainty over death by cleavage, complied.

"Back off bitches, he's mine." Sakura snarled, jumping into Itachi's lap and cuddling against him, resting her head on his shoulder and twining their hands together. "If you want him, you're gonna have to get through me," she continued.

"But his Facebook status is _single_!" A brunette whined.

"Sorry, can't help you." Sakura retorted. "But you'd better back off my man before I kick your ass."

The women, cowed by the fire in Sakura's emerald eyes, complied, retreating down the beach.

"What the fuck was that?" Hidan asked. "They're still watching you, stupid bitches."

"Then we have no choice." Sakura said matter-of-factly, grabbing the back of Itachi's head and pulling him into a searing kiss.

The feel of her lips on his was a tantalizing situation, and Itachi tried his best to match her movements, gasping when she licked his lower lip. Who knew her lips would be so soft, so smooth, so sweet? He barely managed to muffle the groan that rose unbidden in his throat, trying to process the new situation.

They broke too soon, a slightly brutal ending to their kiss.

"Sorry about that." Sakura said. "But we had to convince them we were a couple."

Itachi just nodded dumbly.

"Why the fuck can't we do that?" Hidan cut in. Sakura only glared at him.

"Uh, Itachi, you might want to look at this…" Sasori stuttered, then handed over his cell phone.

"What." Itachi managed to get out.

On the screen was a picture of the elder Uchiha in the bathtub, looking into the camera seductively with one leg raised out of the water in a provocative pose.

"It's your Facebook page…"

"I don't have one."

"Well, you do now. Who could have gotten a picture like this?" Kisame asked, toweling himself off.

Itachi furrowed his brows, thinking back to a time of relative peace and happiness, before he joined a gang, before the passing of his parents. To a time when he was only 19, and he and his younger brother had just gotten out of the pool, and Itachi, in a strangely humorous venture, had struck a pose in the tub. And Sasuke had taken a picture.

"Fuck."

 **Meanwhile, at the Sound Bar:**

Orochimaru walked into the room, puzzled at Sasuke's expression of happiness as the younger Uchiha looked up from his new IPad.

"Why so happy, dear Sasuke?" the pale man asked, smiling in way that send chills down Sasuke's spine.

"I just created my brother's Facebook page."

"Oh." Orochimaru grunted, then walked over to a single white glove that was tacked to the wall and framed in black velvet.

Sasuke looked at him quizzically. "What is that?" he asked, pointing to the glove.

"This? There are some good memories behind this, dear Sasuke." He began to caress the thing lovingly, nodding his head to the beat of "Thriller" playing in the background. "Do you know how to moonwalk?"

"What?"


	4. In Which the Stripping Begins

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment only.**

"What the fuck do you mean we have to shave our legs, yeah?" Deidara exclaimed, backing away from a furious Ino, who was brandishing a razor at him.

"The ladies don't like hair!"

"Get that thing away from me!"

"It's not that fucking bad, Deidara, seriously. Get a fucking hold of yourself." Hidan muttered, walking out of the bathroom with shaving cream still on his chest and silver hair ruffled.

"Says the one who's virtually hairless anyway, yeah!"

"What? I fucking have hair! Don't make me drop my towel and prove it, you dickhead."

"That will NOT be necessary!" Sakura yelled, covering her eyes.

"You know you'd like it, bitch."

"Just take the razor, Deidara." Ino pressed.

"You're trying to undermine my masculinity, yeah!" Deidara snapped at the girls, realizing he was cornered.

Hidan snickered. "You don't have any. Your hair is just like a fucking girl's."

"Shut up Hidan!"

"Ideally you'd shave your nethers too…" Ino remarked, an evil glint in her eyes.

"Fuck no! You are not going anywhere near…that, yeah!" Deidara yelled, shielding himself instinctively.

"You think I'd want to…ew. No thank you." The blonde rolled her eyes. "Don't make me call Pein and tell him you're not cooperating."

Deidara, in desperation, ran between the two girls and darted into the kitchen, where Itachi was busy shaving his legs over the sink.

"What. The. Fuck." Deidara stuttered. "This is just wrong, yeah."

"Itachi! I told you to go in the bathroom and do that in the shower." Sakura chastised.

The raven looked at her blankly. "Hidan was in there."

"We. Have. Two. Bathrooms," the pinkette growled. "Now get the fuck into one of them before I make you. I do not want to be pulling your leg hair out of the sink."

"…"

"Get out. NOW." Ino barked, spotting Itachi, still frozen mid-stroke.

The raven scurried away, carefully holding his razor and keeping an eye on the irate girl. Judging from the look on Ino's face, the next person that pissed her off was going to lose his manhood, and Itachi was not going to be that person. He stepped into the spare bathroom and spotted Tobi, who was looking out the window and talking to himself.

"Those fools are easily fooled by my disguise, but soon, I-"

"Uh, Tobi, what are you doing?" Itachi asked, puzzled.

"Oh, hehe, Tobi saw a pretty bird and it was telling him curtains are ticklish!" The masked man jumped into the bathtub and hugged the shower curtain around himself, giggling. "Tobi is being tickled!"

"Hn."

"Bye Itachi! Tobi is a good boy!" With that, Tobi skipped out the bathroom door, humming happily to himself.

Itachi merely blinked, then stepped into the shower and resumed shaving. Venus was now his favorite brand.

XXX

"Huh."

"What?"

Hinata sighed. "I was going to make pancakes but it appears we're out of milk. Do you think breakfast burritos would be a suitable replacement?"

Kisame nodded and took a sip of his coffee, grimacing before adding another spoonful of sugar. "Anything you cook would surely be delicious."

Hinata's cheeks reddened. "Why are you so nice to me?" she asked suddenly.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

She shrugged. "I don't deserve it."

Kisame stood up so fast he spilled hot coffee on himself. "Shit!"

The indigo haired girl whipped around. "Are you ok?"

Kisame nodded and removed his now soaking shirt, giving Hinata a long look. "That's why you deserve it."

Hinata tilted her head, puzzled.

"Because you're kind. Because you're a decent human being." The man sighed and rubbed his forehead. "It's people like you that deserve happy endings. Me, my crew, we're going to hell. First class tickets no less."

"Decent? Define decent. I spend my nights mostly naked, for money. When my father disowned me, I spent the next three months wandering around until I ran into Sakura. She and Ino had just started this club, and I was invited to be one of the dancers. So don't start with me on morals, Kisame. I judge people on how they treat me now, not on how they may or may not have treated other people in the past."

Kisame stared at her, a half grin on his face. "Damn, I could kiss you right now."

Hinata shyly smiled. "Why don't you?"

There was silence as Kisame's cheeks changed from blue to a light purplish color as he blushed. "Um…er, uh…how about we go get some milk?"

"Oh. Um, okay. You want to drive?"

"Sure."

"Out of my way!" Deidara ran through the kitchen and jumped over the counter, followed closely by a razor-wielding Ino. However, his sock covered feet failed to grip the linoleum floor, causing the blonde to slide into the fridge before falling on his tailbone. "Son of a bitch!"

"Hah!" Ino pounced.

"Yo, Ino, can we take the Jeep to Publix?"

Ino grinned, waving her pink razor in Deidara's face. "Sure, Hinata. Deidara and I have some business to attend to…"

"Thanks, Ino…Is that _hair_ in the sink?"

XXX

"Whoo! I want one of these babies!" Kisame yelled, turning the volume on high. _"It's the end of the world as we know it…"_ the man sang, his voice surprisingly smooth.

Hinata joined in.

 _"It's the end of the world as we know and I feel fiiiine."_

Kisame and Hinata had a bonding moment until the girl caught a glimpse of flashing lights in the rearview mirror.

"Fuck."

Kisame turned to look at her strangely.

"Oops. Sorry."

"Nah, just never heard you cur-oh shit." He had seen the lights too, and pulled over to the side.

"I kind of expected you to try and get away." Hinata said as the car came to a stop.

"There's no way this car could outrun a cop." Kisame said blandly. "If they just write us a ticket we'll be fine."

The officer came up to the window at Hinata's side, and the girl obligingly rolled it down, trying to smile at the annoyed and balding officer.

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

Kisame blinked. "No sir, and from the sound of it you don't either."

The policeman scowled. "Get out of the car and put your hands above your head, I'm going to have to search you."

 _"Hiyaa!"_ Hinata lashed out with her right hand, hitting the officer square in the temple. He collapsed with a gurgle.

"You just killed a police officer! Holy shit woman!"

"No, he'll just be unconscious for a while. And he won't remember what happened, promise. I've done this before."

It was at that moment Kisame realized he was probably in love.

"So, why did you join Akatsuki?" Hinata asked as they drove away.

"I was in another gang…and I was forced to kill a friend that had betrayed us. Only to find out our leader was going to turn us all in, for a plea bargain, so then I ended up killing him to protect my other friends, who then turned against me. So I left."

"That's heartbreaking." Hinata murmured.

The blue-skinned man sighed and ran his hand through his navy hair. "Told you I was going to hell."

"No." Hinata stated firmly, shaking her head. "The most amazing people are those who have known pain and defeat, fear and struggle, loss and suffering. It's finding your way out of those depths that make a person's worth. Don't think we don't know that the Akatsuki annihilated gangs known for targeting innocent people. You're not as bad as you think."

"Are you sure about that, kitten?" Kisame said, bringing the Jeep to a stop, mindful of the red light.

"Pretty sure."

Hinata reached up and wove her hand in his navy hair, bringing his head down until their lips met, gently, slowly, each savoring the sweetness of a meeting that had been scheduled for quite some time. There was no thought, no premeditation, only the pressure of mouth on mouth, only the smooth rhythm of two bodies perfectly in synch.

A honk sounded from behind them, and they broke apart, gasping.

Another honk, accompanied by an angry shout.

Kisame looked around, wondering what was going on.

Hinata squeaked. "Kisame, the light's green!"

"Shit!"

When they had left the angry driver behind them and were once again on a uninterrupted road, Kisame turned to Hinata, his pale eyes unusually soft. "I feel bad for Itachi, if his kiss with Sakura was anything like that."

"I'm going to take that as a compliment. But, why?"

"It was a compliment. Now, I'm telling you this in strictest confidence, but the great Itachi Uchiha is the least experienced out of all of us."

"So he's a virgin."

"Pretty much."

"There isn't really a "pretty much" in this circumstance, Kisame. Either he's been deflowered or he hasn't. Is he a virgin? Was that his first kiss?"

Kisame was silent until he pulled up to Publix, expertly maneuvering the vehicle into a parking space.

"Kisame…"

"The answer is yes. Now shush and kiss me again."

"Fine, but take that comb out of your hair. It looks ridiculous."

XXX

"Now," Ino hissed at Deidara, who was cowering in the bathtub "you will take the fucking can of shaving cream, and this damn razor which I just purchased for your sorry ass, and you will shave your fucking legs and chest or so help me God, I will hold you down and fucking do it for you."

"I'd just do what she says, Deidara. It's not that bad, brat, and you're wasting precious time." Sasori drawled, leaning up against the bathroom doorway.

"Sasori, my man, you're not seriously tossing me under the bus, are you, yeah?" the blonde asked, blue eyes wide in horror.

Ino smiled sweetly at the redhead. "At last someone sees reason. Now, I'm going to shut this door, and you will be bald from the chest down. Or else." With that, she slammed the bathroom door only to collide into Sasori's bare chest. "Oof."

"Sorry," Sasori smirked.

"No you're not. Nice tattoo by the way." Ino said, pointing at the scorpion inked onto the redhead's left pectoral.

"Thanks."

"What's it mean?"

"Just…memories." Sasori said after a pause.

"Ah." Ino replied, wincing as she heard Deidara whimpering to himself in the bathroom. "God, he is such a stubborn moron!"

"Tell me about it," Sasori snorted. "Dumbass here has blown up nearly all of the TV's we've had at the base. I'm seriously surprised the brat hasn't destroyed a section of wall or something yet."

"Actually, our microwave is done for."

"Don't tell Kakuzu if you are going to dock our pay for that. Oh, and the props are done. Thanks for the wood."

"Uh. No problem. It was just lying around, really."

"Still, I love playing with wood in the morning."

"Um…"

"It's funny how you look like you could be Deidara's sister."

"Excuse me?" Ino said hotly, recovering quickly.

"Yes, your hair is the same and everything."

"My hair is _platinum!_ His hair is _goldenrod!"_

"Oh."

"The kitchen sink needs to be washed out. Go do it. Now."

"…"

XXX

TenTen woke to what sounded like a man whimpering. What the fuck is making that noise? The brunette glanced over at Kakuzu, who was asleep on an air mattress about eight feet away. She tossed the green comforter off of her body, almost giggling as the man next to her murmured sleepily and cuddled against his pillow. She smirked. _He's almost cute when he's sleeping._

Stuffing her feet into a pair of black slippers, she grabbed some clothes and shuffled sleepily next door to the bathroom.

Only to find Deidara with his foot up on the edge of the tub, whimpering as he dragged a pink razor over his skin. In nothing but a pair of blue boxers that had little bombs on them.

"What. The. Hell."

"Get out, yeah! I was here first!"

TenTen slammed the door shut and stalked back to her own room, quietly shutting her door as to not wake Kakuzu, which was a fairly high priority considering that man was not a morning person _at all_.

Silently, she undressed, slipping on a bra underneath her pajamas before changing her shirt and wriggling into a pair of white shorts. Grabbing her comb and nearly three dozen bobby pins, TenTen sat at her vanity and began the arduous task of putting her hair up, beginning by brushing out her waist length hair, then combing it, then separating the strands and pinning them one by one to her head.

"Sucks." Kakuzu muttered, a blanket covering his face much like a certain Sith Lord.

"It does."

"Leave it."

"No. It gets in the way. Good morning, by the way."

"Hmph."

"Coffee is in the kitchen."

A grunt, then Kakuzu shuffled out of the room with his blanket still covering most of his face. She had started pinning up her second bun when a mug was set down in front of her, courtesy of Kakuzu.

"Thank you. Some advice, don't go in the bathroom next door. Deidara is in there. Shaving."

"Huh."

"You'll have to shave your legs and chest too."

"Oh."

"Is it even possible to get more than a couple words out of you in the morning?"

"No."

XXX

Sakura ran her hand up and down Itachi's leg, nodding her head satisfactorily as she designated his body free of unwanted hair.

"This makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable, Haruno."

"Hear that?" Sakura paused. "It's the sound of me not caring about what makes you uncomfortable or not. Ladies don't like hair. Fact is fact. And call me Sakura."

"We've barely met."

"We kissed."

"Hn."

"Aw, come on. You can't even try to deny that your first kiss wasn't something special." Itachi's cheeks took on a faint pink color and Sakura nearly laughed. Seems I've touched a nerve here.

"How do you know about that?" Itachi hissed.

"No need to get defensive, Itachi. Anybody could tell that was your first time. You had no idea what you were doing, did you?"

Itachi merely glowered.

"Actually, you were pretty good. Better than the slobs that pay extra to kiss me here."

"Hn." Then a blink. "Wait, what?"

Sakura snorted. "You think that we just make out with the patrons here? Fuck no. But, they'll pay pretty well to touch and kiss so for the most part we let them do what they want as long as they're nice. In a way, you guys are lucky. The girls we get here treat y'all nicely, we make them sign a contract when it comes to you guys. But since us girls are always here, we don't do that. We need the money to pay for this place."

"Why though?"

"Uh, because we need money to buy things. Duh."

"No, I meant this…career."

"Some people like being wanted. Sasuke is one of them. Others, well, we don't have much of a choice. Like you guys. We need to make a living somehow, and goodness knows enough money to get out of this. If you go to the right people and know what you're doing, $600 or so a night is easily obtainable. You're brother is a real piece of work, by the way."

Itachi sighed, then gave a very small smile. "Well, our relatives are given to us, but at least we can choose our friends."

The pinkette laughed. "That was pretty deep, Itachi. Some people, they bring happiness where ever they go. Sasuke, he brings happiness whenever he goes."

XXX

Hidan stopped dead in his tracks as he entered the kitchen, a puzzled look on his face.

"Is something wrong?" TenTen asked, now on her third cup of coffee. Kakuzu was sitting at the counter with the hood of his sweatshirt pulled up, systematically putting spoonfuls of Cheerios into his mouth.

"I think I just heard Itachi laugh."

 **That night:**

"Yo." Sasori poked his head into the changing room, impeccably dressed in a tuxedo and red tie. "Five minutes until show time, ladies."

"Got it." Sakura nodded, quickly smoothing blush over her cheeks. It was the debut of the guys tonight, but as always, the girls went on first. The smell of hair spray and deodorant was thick in her nostrils, and the small room echoed with noisy chatter as the four girls gossiped and changed into their scraps of costumes. She glanced at herself in one of the many mirrors, pleased with her overall appearance. Her G-string was composed of pieces of white fabric embroidered in silver thread and she wore a tight white corset (also decorated with silver.) The white contrasted nicely with her freshly curled pink hair that was arranged to tumble softly down her back and wave becomingly around her heavily made up emerald eyes, the pink strands bringing out her irises' inherent viridescence.

"Are you ready girls?" Ino asked, stunning in her black triangle top and bikini bottoms.

Hinata giggled. "I'm more concerned about the boys." The indigo haired girl wore a red outfit, complete with sky-high heels that had straps lacing up to her knees, and her dark hair was worn straight and long.

"They'll be fine." TenTen snorted, adjusting her forest green ensemble that brought out her brown eyes and putting a last minute touch of hair spray on her french braid. "They had good teachers, remember?"

"Damn, do I miss Naruto." Sakura sighed.

"We all do, honey." TenTen replied, donning red lipstick. "He'll come back if destiny calls for it."

"I know," the pinkette sighed.

"You bitches ready for the show?" Hidan called down, also dressed in a tux and purple tie.

"YES!" the girls chorused, heading up the stairs with heels tapping a staccato on the linoleum stairs before they took their respective places on stage.

 **"Good evening, ladies and gentleman."** Temari's voice resonated smoothly over the sound system. **"I'm your host, Temari, and I want to welcome you all to Yamanka De-Flowering Shop. Please take your seats; our show is about to begin. I know you're all looking forward to our new male entertainment tonight-"** here a multitude of female voices were raised in approval **"but first, let me introduce** ** _Sakura,_** **_Ino, Hinata, and TenTen_** **!"**

 _*Every time they turn the lights down Just wanna go the extra mile for you*_

The lights flashed on the four dancers, Hinata, Sakura, and Ino all working the three poles in the back while TenTen started her dance up front, swaying her hips seductively while the men in the room yelled their approval.

 _*You got my display of affection Feels like no one else in the room*_

Sakura glanced out over the crowd, spotting the Akatsuki gathered in the back. The men had opted to act as waiters and bouncers for a few extra bucks and were currently standing at their posts, keeping watchful eyes on the patrons for signs of possible violence or desire for another drink. She felt kind of bad for them. Being adored was one thing, having to cater to men that acted more like animals in heat than decent humans was quite another. But, they weren't up on stage. Yet.

The pinkette hooked her heels around her pole and spun around gracefully before climbing up and executing a few splits, then spiraling down with her legs wide, giving pouty glances at the men literally tossing money at her.

 _*Gimme Gimme more Gimme more Gimme gimme more*_

At the start of the next verse, Sakura switched places with TenTen, going to the front of the stage and crawling provocatively around the edge to permit men to stuff bills underneath her thong. Standing, she swiveled her hips in wide figure eights that gradually grew smaller until she stopped and ran her hands through her hair, arching her back and parting her lips seductively. Sakura, in synch with Ino and the others, lowered herself into a forward split and leaned forward, showing off a good portion of her cleavage.

 _*The center of attention, even when we're up against the wall You got me in a crazy position*_

Now, she traded places with Hinata, relocating herself to the far left of the stage and letting the dark haired girl show off her curves and flexibility.

Smiling at the raving men to her left, she climbed up her pole, gripping it securely with her thighs before inverting herself, spiraling down and gracefully transitioning into a head stand.

 _*I just can't control myself, more They want more? Well I'll give them more*_

"Wanna take a spin on my pole?" A grubby looking man leered at her, reaching out and grabbing one of her breasts.

"Hey!" she shouted, smacking his hand away.

"Bitch." The man tried to reach for her again but was swiftly stopped by a very pissed off Uchiha. "You fucker, let go!"

"You need to leave. Now." Itachi snapped, shoving him forcefully towards the exit.

Sakura shot him a grateful look before ascending her pole again, thanking God that someone was watching over her tonight.

XXX

Itachi had no rational explanation for the sudden fury that filled him when he saw the man fondle Sakura. In fact, he was puzzled. Yes, the man was a pig and completely out of line, but why was he so angry? Yes, the girl was beautiful, and graceful, and kind, and…Wait. This sort of thinking was completely unacceptable. She was merely a distant friend. He had no feelings, none at all, for her.

But why couldn't he stop thinking about that kiss?

XXX

It was midnight, and the ratio of patrons inhabiting the club had changed drastically in favor of females.

The Akatsuki readied themselves in the changing room still dressed in their tuxes. The girls had designed a relatively simple routine for them as a group (excluding Tobi, who had been gifted with Pokemon Ruby and some bubblegum.) After the group show, Hidan and Kakuzu would be performing solo songs, as designated by a hat filled with scraps of paper. The rest of the men would be soliciting lap dances from the crowd.

"Three minutes, boys." Hinata said, now dressed in a waitress uniform, consisting of a red tank, black shorts, and white apron. "You are all going to be great!"

"We fucking know it already. Like seriously woman, don't worry about us." Hidan said, slicking back his hair with gel that could probably withstand several monsoons.

"I know." Hinata smiled, catching Kisame's eye and winking at him. He looks so nice in that tuxedo. "Okay guys, let me take a look at you." The Akatsuki graciously lined up, allowing the woman to give them a quick once over, checking their tuxes for any inconsistencies. "All right, you're ready to go! Good luck!"

 **"Welcome, ladies, to our debut night of our newest entertainers."** Temari boomed over the speakers. " **Please be courteous of the women behind you and do not crowd the stage. Other than that, please enjoy your time at Yamanaka's De-Flowering Shop. Can I have a round of applause?"**

A thunder of applause filled the club as red lights flashed on, showing the silhouettes of the men behind a screen, all in various poses. Sakura, Ino, TenTen, and Hinata watched intently from the back, eager to see the culmination of their, and Naruto's, efforts.

"Yo!" Temari whispered from the sound booth, motioning to Sakura.

"What?" Sakura hissed back.

"What song did you give them? As a group, I mean."

"Have you seen Magic Mike?"

"Excuse me?"

"Just announce them already!"

 **"Now, I give you, the Akatsuki!** "

 _*Humidity is rising Barometer's getting low*_

A fog machine whirred to life, sending a low cloud rolling across the front of the stage. Following it were the Akatsuki, headed by Deidara, Hidan and Itachi, with Sasori, Kisame, and Kakuzu behind them. They were still clothed in their tuxes, and carrying umbrellas, stalking to the front of the stage and down the catwalk, each pair striking a different pose.

Deidara and Sasori, leaning on their umbrellas, smirking at the ladies.

Hidan and Kakuzu, kneeling in front and letting women tuck bills under their belts.

Itachi and Kisame, lying on their sides.

The women screamed like animals, tossing money at the men and clapping, reaching out trying to touch the entertainers, and the girls in back just shook their heads, carefully watching the crowd.

"Their going to get eaten alive out there." Hinata murmured.

"They'll be fine, I know it." Sakura stated firmly. "Don't you fret."

 _*According to our sources, The street's the place to go*_

The men suddenly stood up, holding their closed umbrellas in front of them with their backs ramrod straight, faces impassive as they gazed out over the audience, waiting.

 _*Cause tonight for the first time Just about half past ten For the first time in history It's gonna start raining men*_

In time to the beat, they posed, throwing back heads, flexing muscles, and then swaying their hips to the music before walking forward, an air of smug superiority around them as they took turns smirking, winking, and smoldering at the women assembled before them. Deidara took his place at the very front of the group, his trademark grin etched onto his features and blonde hair pulled into a ponytail to keep it fully out of his face.

 _*It's raining men Hallelujah It's raining men*_

In synch, the black umbrellas opened and were turned, causing the red clouds embroidered on them to swirl into smears of crimson that spun around with the rotation. The beat dropped and the umbrellas were set aside, the guys gracefully removing their outer jackets to reveal undershirts (lacking sleeves, of course) which enunciated the lean muscles defining each mans' arms.

The crowd went wild at the exposure of skin and Kisame couldn't help but smile at the adoring calls of the women before him. It was a nice change.

 _*Tall, blonde, dark and lean Rough and tough and strong and mean*_

Deidara, Itachi, and Sasori all dropped to the floor and ground against it, gyrating their hips seductively while the three others ripped off their outer shirts to reveal perfect abdominals and delicious pectoral muscles, their modesty concealed by black pants and ties. An abrupt switch of positions left all six men shirtless and the gals squealed along with the rest of the women in delight as the guys swiveled their hips to the lyrics.

 _*It's raining men Hallelujah it's raining men*_

The men rolled their hips smoothly, running their hands up and down their bodies while undulating in perfect synch, smirking and winking at the women who were swooning at their feet. Then, as the beat reached its culmination, the criminals turned and twerked like professionals before sauntering off stage to thundering applause and calls for an encore.

XXX

"Oh my goodness, you all were amazing!" Ino gushed, having darted to the changing room at first opportunity.

"Yeah, yeah. I didn't mean to wake up this sexy, but hey, shit happens." Hidan smirked as he pulled on a black tank top and blue jeans, modesty being preserved by a simple pair of black boxer briefs. "Do you think the crowd is ready for my awesomeness?"

"Awesomeness may be a very strong word, Hidan." Kakuzu muttered, drawing snickers from the rest of the group, including Ino.

"You, know, Kakuzu, you need to learn how to pay me some fucking respect."

" Theoretically I should respect you as a fellow member, but I find it really difficult because you're a fucking idiot." Kakuzu sneered at the zealot.

"Ladies, ladies, you're both pretty, yeah." Deidara laughed, slinging his arms around the two men's shoulders.

"Get you fucking hands off of me before I kick your ass into next week." Hidan snapped.

"All we need now is some more bonding time." Kakuzu said sarcastically.

"You're sarcasm is hurting my feelings, yeah."

"I'm sarcastic because snapping someone's neck is usually frowned upon."

"Hey, Kakuzu, you're on in two." Ino reminded.

Kakuzu made a face and adjusted his scrubs.

"Good luck man. I'll be sure to show you up onstage."

"Shut up, Hidan."

XXX

 _*A hot summer night fell like a net I've gotta find my baby yet*_

Kakuzu stalked onto the stage, clothed in blue scrubs made complete by a doctor's mask and latex gloves. He struck a pose, jutting his hip out to the side and winking before tossing his head back and ripping of the mask, swiveling his hips and taking the gloves off with his teeth, gripping them securely before dropping down the stage and thrusting against it.

 _*Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I got a Bad case of lovin' you*_

The tattooed man pulled a redheaded gal onto the stage and twirled her around before bending her over and grinding up against the girl, smirking as she squealed and her friends tossed more money onto the stage. Smoothly, he lifted the girl up and proceeded to nuzzle the inside of her thigh, causing screams of jealously to arise from the throats of the girls in the audience.

 _*You think I'm cute, a little bit shy Mama, I ain't that kind of guy*_

Slowly, Kakuzu began to ease his top off before sliding out of it completely, slinging it around his head before tossing it into the crowd. He dropped down the ground and writhed provocatively, allowing the assembled ladies to caress his muscled, tattooed torso and stuff bills into the hem of his pants.

"Holy shit. Kakuzu is smiling!" Hidan gasped from the back stage. "I think we may need to start preparing for the apocalypse, guys."

"Who knew the bastard had it in him, yeah." Deidara conceded, staring at the amount of money littering the stage. "We're gonna be rich, yeah."

On stage, Kakuzu continued his striptease, beginning to roll down the hem of his pants exposing a perfect, defined v-line and narrow hipbones.

 _*I know you like it, you like it on top Tell me mama, are you gonna stop?*_

Another woman, a blonde this time, was pulled from the crowd, and Kakuzu let her sit on top of him before bucking into her, grinding his hips into the woman who clutched onto his shoulders and laughed, sticking a fifty into her cleavage.

Kakuzu reciprocated by taking the fifty out with his teeth, and this act was followed by another shower of money onto the stage.

"Yo, Hidan," Kisame whispered "I think you're right about the apocalypse."

"No shit I'm right, have you ever seen him smile like that?"

"The only time I've seen him smile is that incident you had with the toaster. Still don't know how you managed-"

"Shut up."

 _*Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I've got a Bad case of lovin' you*_

"Wow, he's really good." Sakura whispered to TenTen as Kakuzu finished taking off his pants, leaving nearly nothing to the imagination as the man gyrated, swiveled, and flexed to the beat in naught but a pair of blue boxer briefs. His chiseled abdominals flexed and relaxed as the man danced, lowering himself smoothly to the floor to grind against it, working his way around the edge of the stage in order to maximize the amount of dollar bills stuffed being tucked into the waistband.

 _*No pill's gonna cure my ill I got a Bad case of lovin' you*_

At the last strains of Palmer faded from the air, the crowd erupted into wild applause.

Hidan was openmouthed, flabbergasted that his colleague could pull off something like that. Kakuzu drifted into the changing room, green eyes glittering as he began pulling wads of bills out of his boxers, and Hidan scowled at the smug smirk on Kakuzu's face.

"You fucking miser." Hidan snarled as he walked onto the stage. "It's my fucking turn now."

Kakuzu only held up the fifty he had retrieved from the woman's cleavage. He was quite pleased with himself indeed.

 _*You let me violate you*_

The lights flashed red, the primal beat sounding throughout the room as Hidan stalked out onto the stage, a cocky grin on his face and his hips moving provocatively in time to the rhythm, the women below him screaming for attention, their eyes glued on his lean form that was only accentuated by the black tank top and dark, tight jeans he wore.

 _"You let me penetrate you*_

As the man reached the edge of the catwalk, he dropped down the the floor and moved against it, seductively making his way around the edge so he could collect tips that were stuffed eagerly into his jeans, favoring the occasional woman with a wink. He threw back his head and closed his eyes as he ground smoothly against the stage, looking like a model caught in the midst of sensual, carnal activity.

 _*Help me, I've broke apart my insides*_

Hidan gracefully rose to his feet and began to slowly take off his tank, only showing a glimpse of abs, a flash of skin, before controlling his descent back to the stage and again moving around the edge, allowing the ladies gathered near him to run their hands over his muscular arms and shoulders, smoldering at them in a way that made even the most controlled woman long for the feel of skin against skin, of things occurring in darkened, private places.

 _*I wanna fuck you like an animal*_

In response the the change in beat, Hidan selected an attractive brunette from the audience and laid her out on the stage, hovering above her and simulating dirty acts of intimacy, even being so bold as to seize the back of her head and bring it close to his groin, smirking as the woman blushed and a new cascade of bills rained down upon him.

 _*My whole existence is gone*_

Depositing the brunette back onto the floor, Hidan once again writhed against the catwalk before sitting up and finally removing his shirt, exposing perfect, defined abdominal muscles that flexed beautifully with each movement he made and shoulder blades that were so perfectly sculpted a Greek statue would have been envious.

"No wonder he likes to wander around shirtless." Hint whispered to Ino, who nodded furiously. "I've never seen muscles so defined!"

"Weren't you watching him at all during rehearsal?" Ino asked, keeping her eye on the silver haired man who was now making a third round across the edge of the stage.

"Not really…"

"Well, you've been missing out!"

 _*You've got me closer to God*_

Hidan once again rose to his feet and swaggered to the back of the stage where he gripped the middle pole and ground against it, leaving nothing to the imagination about what he could and would do to a woman in his bed, causing another shower of dollar bills to fall upon the stage.

"I think he may have you beat, yeah." Deidara whispered to Kakuzu, who was watching the money on the stage like a dingo would watch a human baby. "Are you okay, Kakuzu? You look a little…distracted, yeah."

"Money…" Kakuzu murmured, eyes still on the ever growing piles of cash.

"I'll just leave then, yeah…"

 _*You can't help my isolation*_

Flexing his chiseled stomach, Hidan sauntered forward on the catwalk again, swaying his hips and winking at the assembled ladies before stopping at the edge an executing several flawless body rolls, being sure to clench every possible muscle he could to maximize the effect.

 _*Help me you make me perfect*_

Hidan at last shimmied out of his jeans, throwing back his head as if ecstatic to shed the clothing, reveling in the screams of the women begging him to take it all off.

Hidan smirked, hoping Kakuzu was watching him rake in the cash. That asshole would probably have a coronary if Hidan made more cash than him, and damn if he wasn't going to see it happen.

 _*I wanna fuck you like an animal*_

He dropped to the stage again and moved fluidly against the ground, making eyes at the ladies closest to him, inviting them to run their hands over his body and tuck bills into his black briefs before grabbing one and pulling her up to the stage, laying her on her stomach and grinding against her from behind, egged on by the other women in the crowd.

This was a most satisfying night, if only he could convert a few ladies to Jashinism. Then, it would be perfect.

XXX

"Three thousand two hundred and eighty four dollars." Kakuzu said at last, looking up from behind a small pile of dollar pills.

"Holy shit."

"That's awesome, yeah."

Sakura smiled. "I knew you guys would be great."

"Help!"

Silence.

"Anyone?"

"That sounds like Itachi…" Kisame murmured. "Itachi!"

A bang from somewhere near the room.

"That sounded like it came from the VIP rooms." Ino remarked.

"Yeah, I think I just saw Uchiha go in there with some chick." Sasori replied.

Then, the whole group gave each other a look before Kisame said what everyone was thinking. "Shit."

It was slightly alarming, when Kisame, Sakura, and Ino burst into the last VIP room, to see the great Uchiha tied to a chair, a voluptuous blonde seated on his lap.

Soon, the woman was removed (courtesy of Kakuzu, who had her empty her wallet of cash in return for her misconduct) and a frazzled Itachi was seated on a couch, a mug of tea in his slightly trembling hands.

"So," Hidan began "what the fuck happened?"

Itachi looked up, a fearful glint in his dark eyes, and he shuddered at the memory. At last, he managed to say a few words. "She saw it."

"What?" Kisame asked gently.

Itachi shut his eyes and gripped his mug tightly. "The…the Facebook page."

The blue-skinned man looked up at the rest of the group. "I think we may have a problem."

 **Author's Note: Reviews are greatly appreciated. It only takes a few seconds to type "liked it" and it makes us feel astoundingly happy. But, what is more important is that this was enjoyable to read, and if you have any requests or recommendations, I want to hear them. Thanks!**


	5. In Which An Invitation is Found

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment purposes only.**

 **Author's Note: Well, it's been a while since I've updated, so I hope you all aren't too angry at me. Life has been hectic lately but now I'm ready to begin writing again…Enjoy!**

Sakura allowed herself a luxurious stretch as she ascended to full consciousness, rustling the bedsheets and cracking her back to drive the lethargy from her muscles. She glanced at Itachi, who was curled up under red blankets and sleeping soundly, courtesy of the Xanex Sakura had given him the night before. Sasuke's creation of the Facebook page was quickly turning from amusing to infuriating, and the pinkette thought about giving Pein a call and telling him about the situation. Drugging the great Itachi Uchiha was sure to have unintended and probably undesirable consequences. However, she certainly didn't want to start an unnecessary gang war, so, she would just eat some Cheerios this morning instead.

Sauntering into the kitchen, she spotted Deidara sitting at the counter, sipping coffee while reading the newspaper, and promptly began giggling. The blonde turned to her.

"What's so funny, yeah?"

Sakura got a hold of herself and giggled "It's so damn, well, domestic. Just coffee, and the news…You guys are surprisingly normal, if extremely quirky."

Deidara stared at her for several seconds before turning back to his newspaper with a sigh. "Whatever, yeah… Oh, fuck."

At that moment, a certain Tobi came skipping into the kitchen, humming happily to himself. "Good morning Sakura! Good morning Deidara! Tobi is going to make breakfast this morning!"

Deidara exchanged a frightened look with Sakura. "Um, Tobi, I think it would be much more helpful yeah, if you, um…"

"Organized the books in the office!" Sakura interrupted, a painfully bright smile on her face.

Tobi saluted Sakura. "Tobi will organize the books! Tobi is a good boy!" With that exclamation, the masked man bounced out of the room, and both Deidara and Sakura gave a sigh of relief.

"How did you know about his cooking skills, yeah?" Deidara asked "I didn't think you had had the delight of his eggs."

Sakura sighed. "I let him make me a ham sandwich once. Toasted. You know, I've never tasted spam, but it tasted like I always had imagined spam would taste like."

Deidara then realized that the remnants of Tobi's failed sandwich were what he had consumed for a late night snack.

"Fuck."

XXX

Kakuzu was startled, to say the least, when he found the envelope. He had been scrounging the club's floor for spare change (of which he had found $6 and 37 cents) and had discovered the paper tucked into a convenient potted plant. It was made of heavy, high end stuff, kind of like an invitation to an important person's party. Kakuzu allowed himself a brief smile, imagining himself opening the envelope to discover a nice, fat wad of cash.

The more he fantasized about finding a wad of greenbacks, the more realistic it seemed there was actually money in there. He would first squirrel away most of it, but he was feeling particularly generous towards a certain sharp-eyed brunette. He would purchase a simple, nice pair of earrings for her, or maybe some ornamental bobby pins. She would hug him, exclaiming how particularly amazing he was. Then…

 _What the hell am I thinking!?_ Kakuzu muttered mentally, berating himself for slipping into the likes of Hidan's thoughts. This was simply unacceptable. Tearing open the heavy manilla, Kakuzu drew out a card. Embossed on the front, in italicized script, were two simple words: _You're Invited._

The tattooed man dropped the card, green eyes widening in trepidation.

"Fuck."

XXX

The first thing Hinata noticed was the exquisite feeling of warmth, and that feeling of complete and utter comfort that all people crave but few ever feel. Curling into Kisame's bare chest, the indigo haired beauty sighed. The morning lull had not yet been shattered by Tobi or Hidan, and the feeling of another body was by far the most welcome sensation she had had in quite a while. Not since she had left home, anyway.

 **BANG!**

The door slammed open with force, punishing the wall behind it, and Hinata bolted upright, a rare look of anger sketched onto her face.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!?" she snarled.

Kakuzu's face turned bright red, the stitches on his cheeks turning faintly purple with the force of his blush. "Uh…you may…er…" he stammered.

Under any other circumstances, Hinata may have laughed at the sight of Kakuzu blushing, because that man seemed to have the emotional range of a slime mold.

Then, she realized she was naked.

"Ah, yeah…" The indigo snatched a blanket and wrapped it around herself. "Sorry."

Kisame chose that moment to wake up, and gave Kakuzu a tired glare. "This better be fucking good, Kakuzu. Really fucking good."

Kakuzu merely held up the manila envelope.

"Ok, that's pretty fucking good." Kisame muttered. Suddenly, the blue skinned man realized he was lacking certain pieces of concealing clothing. And he was not underneath covers.

"Fuck."

 _In another room:_

Hidan woke to the sound of yelling and groaned, realizing that yet another day had begun. And he was not a morning person.

"Fuck."

XXX

The whole group eventually gathered around the kitchen table, eyeing the invitation Kakuzu had unveiled while Hinata nervously spread creamy peanut butter on a bagel.

"Ok," Ino started. "Open it."

Kakuzu gave her a classic stink-eye. "You open it."

"No. Hinata, why don't you open it?"

"No-no-no thanks." The knife she was holding trembled.

"This is ridiculous." Sasori snapped "I've been kept waiting long enough."

"Sasori, my man, it could be a bomb, yeah!" Deidara quipped, struggling to keep the excitement out of his voice.

"Brat. A bomb would have been much heavier. Or in the actual envelope." the redhead shot back. "You'd think the Akatsuki's _demolition's expert_ would know that."

"Hey!"

Hidan gave the blonde a slap to the back of the head. "Let's just get this fucking over with."

"Razor, please." Sasori said smoothly. Tobi deposited an object into his hand. "Tobi."

"Yes! Tobi is a good boy."

"This is a nail file."

"My god-"

"Jashin!"

"-let's get on with it." Sakura said at last, snatching the invitation out of Sasori's hand and tearing it open, breaking the sticker sealing the two halves together. Her lips moving soundlessly, the pinkette stared at the card in shock.

Itachi gently took it from her hands and began to read.

"The Sound Bar cordially invites you to a midnight special. Bring costumes, choreography, and cheese quesadillas. P.S. I control the Facebook page. Itachi, if you want any hope of a normal life, you will show." Here the raven took a deep breath. "From…Sasuke."

A heavy silence fell over the group, before Itachi himself broke it with a punctual, well timed statement.

"Fuck."

XXX

After most of the gang hand gotten actual clothes on and had banished the morning breath from their respective mouths, the group reconvened over mugs of coffee, or hot cocoa in Tobi's case, to ponder the issue raised by the sudden and unwanted invitation. Currently, the discussion was quite heated as they debated whether or not to show up.

"It's a trap, most definitely." Sasori stated. "Showing up would have disastrous results for us."

"I concur with that statement." Kakuzu muttered. "However, the financial implications of not showing up could negatively affect our revenue."

Ino furrowed her brow. "Going to this…event…would mean shutting down the club for the night. But, if we don't show up, Itachi is going to have to take tranquilizers for the rest of his life. Or have plastic surgery so he doesn't look so damn hot."

"Bitch, if anyone here is hot, it would be me." Hidan interrupted.

"Being around you is like having cancer of the soul." Kisame told him.

Hidan shut his mouth with an audible clack and TenTen chuckled.

"I love the sound you make when you shut up." Kakuzu told him sincerely, almost smiling as TenTen laughed out loud. (This almost smile was the equivalent of a grin in Kakuzu terms.)

The girls snorted in laughter and Deidara cracked a grin at Hidan's look of fury.

"Seriously though," TenTen at last stated. "We need to make up our minds about this. We're gonna have to get costumes if we show."

"And quesadillas!" Tobi commented. "Tobi loves them! And is a good boy!"

Itachi rose to his feet and surveyed the audience with a drug addled gaze. "I cannot continue with this torment. We must go."

Realizing the Akatsuki could not live with a druggie Uchiha, each stripper began to nod, and Sasori at last inclined his head. "I do hate to waste my time dealing with your simpering fangirls. I hereby declare war on Sound." the redhead stated firmly.

"Excuse me, this is my business and if anyone gets to declare war, it should be me!" Ino snapped. "That being said, it's fucking on. Tobi…"

"Yes!"

"Make the quesadillas."

Sasori gave the blonde a surprised eyebrow raise. "You are really evil. I kind of like it. Tobi's cooking…ugh." He shuddered Ino smiled back at him.

"We need to go get costumes. You'd look great as a gladiator."

"Fuck what I said before. You're just plain evil now." Sasori sulked.

Deidara laughed. "She's right, my man."

"And you'd go as a cowboy!"

"Ah, shit." Deidara yelped and darted out of the room.

XXX

"You look like an emotionally distraught Edward Cullen." Sakura said as Itachi walked out of the dressing room. "Take those fake fangs out of your mouth. Tobi, you are not going as Waldo. Kisame, I like it." The blue-skinned man grinned and looked down at his outfit. "Going as the Terminator really suits you."

Kisame glanced over at Hinata (who had chosen an exceedingly short skirted maid costume) and smiled at her, receiving a soft blush in return. She was just too cute, and her body was just so unbelievably soft and inviting and wonderful to hold. He suppressed the urge to sweep her up into his arms and show her how he really felt right now. But no. There would be time for that later.

The Uchiha, on the other hand, was frowning. "I kind of like this one." he said, spitting out the fake fangs.

"No. I'm vetoing it right now. Sasori would be a better vampire, you just look…unhealthy."

"Damn straight." Hidan commented, holding his recently purchased costume. "Like seriously. At least I accept when I can't pull something off."

"Yeah right." Kakuzu snorted. "Says the guy who almost stabbed himself _in the fucking chest_ claiming Jashin was protecting him."

Hidan's face colored into a shade vaguely resembling that of a pomegranate. "I was under the influence, you asshole. I'd still like to know who the fuck decided it'd be fucking funny to slip me shrooms."

"I'm ninety percent sure it was Orochimaru. Just another reason to hate him." Sasori told Hidan and Sakura. "I remember when I was getting drinks with Itachi, and you know, doing the whole "complain about partners" thing. Well, Itachi was a little confused when I was talking about how my partner at the time was crazy. I'm presuming he was trying to fit in, so when he told me how Orochimaru liked doing little experiments on animals he smiled and was like "Crazy partners, huh?" I had to inform him that Orochimaru was actually crazy and should probably be kicked out."

"That's not what happened." Itachi muttered.

"It's so cute when you try to be socially acceptable, Itachi dear." Ino smirked, drawing a snort from Deidara, who was still browsing the shelves. "Now, get out of that horrific get up and find something slightly less disconcerting."

The great Uchiha prodigy turned stripper sighed. He needed another Xanex.

 _Meanwhile, Hinata and Kisame have absconded to grab coffee_

Kisame reached out and gently held Hinata's petite waist, bringing his head down to softly kiss the top of her head. Hinata sighed and leaned into the blueskinned man, smiling.

"I had fun last night." The indigo murmured.

"I had too much fun." Kisame whispered back.

Ahead, at the counter, a brown haired man with hair reminiscent of a pineapple was complaining about the beverage selection.

"God, this is such a pain…just give me a coffee, black, and don't put any of that sissy stuff in it. I don't want flavors or whipped cream or any of that crap. It's too troublesome."

After the guy paid, Kisame stepped up to order, a snarky grin on his face, and ordered his drink loudly enough to be heard by the pineapple headed man. "I'd like a double, tall, non-fat latte and, because I'm secure in my masculinity, add some whipped cream."

Hinata and the cashier burst into giggles. It was one of those days.

XXX

Sakura almost licked her lips, he was so hot. "Itachi, that is fucking perfect."

"Really? You think I look…good?"

"Hell to the fucking yes." _That question has got to be the drugs talking._

Deidara took a quick glance at Itachi and the pinkette and whispered urgently to Sasori "I think Itachi has the hots for someone, yeah. Armageddon is around the corner."

"Brat." the redhead snorted. "Do you even know how to spell that word?"

"Well, no, but it's not the end of the world, yeah."

Kakuzu then chose this moment to walk out of the dressing room, clothed in a pirate getup. "This is much too expensive."

TenTen smirked. "But you like it, don't you?"

"…"

"Thought so." Then, a horrifying thought crossed the brunette's mind. "Guys? Where's Tobi?"

"Shit." Hidan muttered. "The masked wonder has fucking up and disappeared again. He does this shit on purpose, like seriously. It's like playing Whack-a-Mole. You find him once and squash him and he fucking pops up again."

"Excuse me." A somber looking man with shaggy brown hair and wide set eyes walked up to them. "Does that belong to you?" He pointed towards a figure underneath some clothes racks who was playing with…toys. Not children's toys.

"Tobi!" Ino marched up to him. "What are you doing?"

"Tobi was bored and found these fun thingies! They make buzzing sounds."

Ino pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration while Hidan made gagging noises.

"Tobi, those aren't toys. Let's go pick out a costume. Please." The blonde motioned for the masked man to come out from underneath the hangers.

"Thanks for letting us know about him." Sakura whispered to the salesperson, whose ID read _"Yamato."_ "Sorry for interrupting your job."

He gave her a look that was decidedly creepy. "'S'alright. Most of my job involves trying to find out what my job is anyway." He then shuffled away, giving Ino and Tobi, who were still deep in pseudo-conversation, a long look.

Unbeknowst to Sakura, Deidara had silently creeped up on her and whispered in her ear, making the pinkette jump.

"That was the fucking creepiest face I've ever seen on anyone, yeah. Ever."

"I can concur with that statement."

"Is he coming with us to the thing tonight, yeah?"

"Well, it's either that or he burns the club down." TenTen chimed in.

"If he costs us…" Kakuzu muttered angrily.

"It'll be okay." Hidan said, slinging his arm around Kakuzu's shoulders. "Nah, who am I kidding? We're jumping right into a clusterfuck."

Kakuzu gave a world weary sigh. "If you do not remove your arm from my shoulders, you will soon lack an appendage."

"Bastard." the Jashinist retorted.

But he removed the arm.

 _Back at the Base:_

The girls had taken over the basement dressing room in order to prepare for the "midnight special", kicking the six men out and forcing them to make do with the two bathrooms. The lyrics of Kesha were playing on the loudspeakers, and Sakura mouthed the lyrics to "Blow" while simultaneously dolling up her face for the night. The invitation hadn't been directed towards the female dancers, but Sakura was going all out regardless. She had very mixed feelings about this get together, and the knowledge that she would soon be face to face with her longtime crush again sent butterflies fluttering through her stomach. She was not in love with him, not anymore. She really wasn't. From now on, she would unfeel, unremember. Of course, the stripping aspect of their quasi-relationship didn't help with that. At all.

But, as she tried to damp down memories of feeling Sasuke's lips and body against hers, she began to think of a different pair of lips, a pair that were maybe clumsy and uncertain, but by no means any less pleasurable. The pinkette sighed. This was dangerous territory. She couldn't afford to fall for someone again. There was too much danger, like treading on broken glass. It was only a matter of time before someone got cut.

"You look obnoxiously pensive." Ino said, interrupting her melancholy thoughts. "Cheer up. This is our chance to prove our superiority."

"Or get into major shit." TenTen piped up, slipping on her Princess Leia costume, bellydancer version. Her brown hair was in perfect replica of the Princess's, and her makeup, while far from conservative, did more to enhance her natural beauty rather than create a fake loveliness.

"I think it'll be fine. Maybe we can persuade Sasuke to take down the Facebook page." Hinata said, smiling to herself and slipping on a pair of black garters to match her housemaid outfit.

"You're just giddy because of your rendezvous with Kisame last night." Sakura winked at her. "Tell me, was it good?"

"That's not your business…" Here Hinata gave a perfectly devious smirk in the pinkette's direction "…but yes, it was pretty damn good."

"Keeping on the subject, when are you and Itachi gonna hook up?" Ino asked.

"Excuse me? I think never." Sakura retorted. "He's too shy, and not terribly experienced."

"Considering his social skills, that's not exactly shocking. I wonder if he's even, you know, gotten it on."

Hinata couldn't help the giggle that rose in her throat. TenTen, Ino, and Sakura turned to stare at the now blushing indigo.

"You know, don't you?" TenTen said at last.

Hinata shook her head and turned even pinker.

"You do!" Ino shrieked. "There is no way Kisame has not talked about him. He's a virgin, isn't he?"

"I-I-I wouldn't know." Hinata stammered. But her face said it all.

"I knew it! Fifty bucks you guys do it in two months." Ino said, getting out her wallet and cracking a slightly wrinkled fifty at Sakura.

"I saw less than a month." Hinata cut in, regaining her composure. "I'll take you up on this, Ino."

"You cannot seriously be betting on this." Sakura pouted.

"Oh, but we are." TenTen grinned. "Less than three weeks. I'll bet seventy."

Ino met the brunette's gaze. "It's on."

"We are not going to hook up!" Sakura yelled, than slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Keep saying that, sister." TenTen retorted. "I'll be collecting my winnings momentarily."

XXX

It was nearly painful to look at, so bright was the neon sign proclaiming the existence of The Sound Bar. On a billboard below were the words _Special Entertainment Tonight._

"A bit cocky, assuming we would show, yeah?" Deidara whispered to Sasori, who just happened to be sitting in the blonde's lap.

"Please don't talk to me."

"Oh please, it's not your fault that there wasn't room for you guys and you're the small…er, most lithe out of the Akatsuki." Ino retorted, pulling her Jeep into the area. "And it would hardly be responsible to let you ride in my car without a seatbelt."

"I would rather be dead then be here." Sasori muttered.

"Sasori, my man, don't be like that." Deidara whined. "We've known each other for years, yeah. Plus, there's been other situations like this, remember that one time when-."

"Shut up brat. Don't forget where I'm sitting." Sasori threatened angrily, cutting off the blonde's chatter.

"Er, then never mind, yeah." Deidara laughed uneasily, realizing just what Sasori was threatening to do.

Ino brought the Jeep to a smooth halt, Sakura's light blue Rav4 pulling up next to the stopped vehicle.

"Everyone out!" The blonde called cheerily. Sasori was the first out the back and TenTen slid smoothly out of the front passenger side, adjusting her six inch silver heels in the process. The air seemed to thrum as the sound of a thumping, primal beat emanated from the squat building ahead of them.

"I've been here for five seconds and I already hate this place, yeah." Deidara muttered, running his hands through the lose part of his hair. "Can we go home, yeah?"

"The best chance of us getting to go back to base is to earn some cash tonight." Kakuzu said, scowling at the mere thought of not walking out of here with a nice stack of green paper. He adjusted the coat of his pirate costume and tried not to think of the price, or of the fact he could see the lovely tummy and glimpses of creamy leg belonging to a certain Princess Leia.

"Welcome, welcome, dear friends." A smooth, oiled voice interrupted the group's chatter.

"Orochimaru." Kisame spat, keeping an eye on Itachi.

The pale man merely smiled. "I'm so very glad you could make it. Ladies, you look particularly lovely this fine evening."

Sakura barely suppressed a shudder, but did managed a very fake smile. "Thank you for having us. What shall we be doing this evening?"

"Why, my dear Sakura, you shall be enjoying yourself most thoroughly. The Sound is simply…delighted to be hosting." This statement was accompanied by a sneer, as Orochimaru spotted the elder Uchiha. "Ah, Itachi. Sasuke was looking forward to seeing you."

Itachi merely cocked his head, putting a perfect mask over his face as he regarded the snake-like man. "I am quite looking forward to a rendezvous with my little brother."

"Excellent." Orochimaru's grin grew even wider. "Please, do come in."

XXX

The first thing was the smell. Inside the club, the air grew heavy and slow with smoke, perfume, and the overwhelming stench of sweat and sex. Kisame wrinkled his nose and blinked, starting to tear up as the smog irritated his eyes. On stage, a girl with flat, reddish pink hair serenaded the swarthy crowd with her flute, playing some unrecognizable song. She was naked, and lacking in body shape, decided the blue skinned man. A few men threw dollars at her, but at the appearance of four far more attractive females, a few whistles and cheers rose from the crowd.

Instantly, the girls reacted in the way they had practiced for years. Smiles switched on, lips pouted, hips swayed, and delicate hands waved and gestured. There were not very many women, not yet, but the few that were there raked hungry gazes over the forms of the Akatsuki. Kisame winked at one, putting on the charm, and silently wished for this to be over.

"So you're the infamous Akatsuki, hmm?" A white haired youth sauntered right up the group, who had been prompted to gather around a table near the back. Their time would come.

"What's it to you, yeah?" Deidara remarked. "Who are you?"

"I'm Suigetsu." The kid replied with a smirk. "And I help run this place."

"There's no way I could have possibly guessed that." Ino said sarcastically. "Suigetsu."

"Is it because of my flawless features?"

"No, it's your air of unbearable cockiness." Kisame shot at him. "Are you compensating for something?"

Suigetsu glared angrily, opening his mouth to retort, but Orochimaru interrupted him.

"Suigetsu, leave. Ladies, my patrons are insisting they get to see your lovely faces."

"I wasn't aware you would require us to perform." TenTen retorted. "The invitation only mentioned the men."

The pale man hissed in anger, and Sakura interrupted before the tension escalated into something far more violent.

"I'd be glad for the chance to make a little extra money tonight!" The pinkette chirped.

Orochimaru's expression softened immediately. "Most excellent. Come this way."

Sticking to the edges of the room, Sakura was guided to a small area behind the stage, equipped with cold gray tile and a couple mirrors. She gave herself a quick once over, straightened her nurse's outfit, and was satisfied with her appearance. Orochimaru held up five fingers after she was done examining herself, and seemed to ooze out of the room. The pinkette ran her fingers through her hair and continued to make last minute adjustments to her ensemble, hoping that the seedy Sound Bar was at least equipped with the kind of music she liked.

"Who the fuck are you, bitch?"

Sakura whirled around to face a redheaded woman with spectacles perched on her ratlike nose and a look of absolute outrage on her pointy face.

"I'm Sakura, one of the girls from the De-Flowering Shop. Who are you?" Sakura asked mildly.

"So you're that bitch Sasuke was fucking." The redhead sneered. "Well, I'm Karin. His _girlfriend_."

Sakura snorted in disbelief. "Yeah right."

"I am too!" The redhead shrieked.

The pinkette merely smirked. "I'll believe it when I see it. Which I won't. Now excuse me while I earn more tips than you."

Karin's face contorted in fury, but Sakura missed this as she strutted onto the catwalk, black heels clacking to the heavy bass beat.

XXX

Orochimaru's hissing voice crackled and flared over the speakers. **"Dearest ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the Sound Bar for this very special night. Our dearest friends from Yamanaka De-Flowering Shop have made an appearance tonight, and I would like to introduce you to Sakura!"**

"He even sounds like a pedophile over the intercom, yeah." Deidara muttered to Itachi, who was about to 'Hn' in agreement, until the spotlight flashed onto a catwalk adorned by none other than Sakura.

Itachi was immediately and totally distracted.

Kisame saw Itachi's face and nearly wept with joy at his friend's entrance into puberty.

Kakuzu was calculating how much money the pinkette could pull in.

Tobi was playing cat's cradle.

And Sasuke was watching everyone in the shadows, a look of cold hate etched onto his face.

 **Author's Note: I know this wasn't the most entertaining chapter but next chapter will be much, much better. I hope it was still enjoyable however, and as always, reviews are very much appreciated.**


	6. In Which There's A Rolling Pin

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment purposes only.**

 **Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or followed this story. Your support is very gratifying to a writer flexing her creativity muscles, and I cannot thank you guys enough!**

Sakura sauntered out onto the catwalk, grinning smugly at the idea of besting Karin at the pole. Something about that redheaded bitch just rubbed her the wrong way, and while she knew it was shallow to dislike someone after a thirty second conversation, the pinkette couldn't help the feeling of immediate disgust that rose in her throat at the thought of the girl wrapped around Sasuke like a snake, glasses set aside and both sides of her uneven hair in disarray. Sakura was no pushover, and after the confrontation she resolved to show Sasuke just exactly what he had been missing out on.

And perhaps, just perhaps, she wanted to impress another Uchiha. But that was a secondary reason, definitely. Right?

The crowd, consisting of the usual rabble that typically graced a strip joint, yelled their approval when Sakura made her appearance, and the pinkette fed off that energy, giving sultry smiles and pouty glances at her admirers. As the beat started up, she hooked a slim leg around the chilly silver pole and gave an experimental grind, testing out the quality and slickness of the metal. Sure enough, it was neither as clean nor as durable as the poles at the De-Flowering Shop, but it would have to do.

 _*Oh yeah they tell me I'm a bad boy All the ladies look at me and act coy*_

Sakura continued grinding on the pole, throwing back her head to expose the cream color of her throat and shaking her hair out, allowing the cherry tresses to cascade down her back. She gave a seductive smile to the rowdy audience and was rewarded with a shower of bills before she went back to rubbing against the pole, simulating explicit acts without looking trashy. It was a fine line, she knew, between seductive and slutty.

 _*I just like to put my hands up in the air I want that girl dancing over there*_

As the verse continued, Sakura continued her ministrations to the silver metal before flipping upside down, allowing the crowd a good look at her long, lean legs adorned with thigh high white garters, a special touch on her already revealing nurse's outfit.

 _*Look at her go on the dance floor She's amazing on the dance floor*_

Flipping right side up, the pinkette ascended the pole swiftly before spiraling down, holding her legs in a pose reminiscent of a ballerina and arching her back to display her natural flexibility. The men below went wild, howling at her like rabid animals, demanding her to take more clothes off.

 _*Go little bad girl, little bad girl Go little bad girl, little bad girl*_

Down on the catwalk now, Sakura lowered herself into a split, bouncing up and down on the stage while simultaneously unbuttoning her top. Bills rained down upon her, and hands reached out to stuff more cash in her garters or in her thong, stealing a caress of toned skin as reimbursement for their material payment.

 _*Shaking her ass from the left to the right Moving it round just the way that I like*_

Balancing expertly in her heels, Sakura stood and shimmied, rocking her hips from side to side and swaying her waist seductively before easing out of her top to expose the milky tops of her breasts, barely concealed by her white lace bra.

A glimmer of movement distracted her, and Sakura gazed across the room, nearly losing her tempo as she glimpsed Sasuke standing, somewhat obscured, in a darkened corner. The dark haired man was staring at her, black eyes raking brutally over her image before locking with Sakura's emerald orbs. Her heart jumped in her chest at the heat in his gaze, a gaze she had seen many times before, one devoid of love or caring but thick with lust and carnal desire.

 _*Look at her go on the dance floor She's amazing on the dance floor*_

Meeting Sasuke's stare, Sakura narrowed her eyes before stalking back to the pole and climbing back up, making sure to give everyone in the room an eyeful of her cleavage before popping the clasp of her bra to reveal her perky breasts, leaving her modesty concealed by a white thong, garters, and a sinfully short skirt, which was soon discarded.

 _*Go little bad girl Go little bad girl Go little bad girl, little bad girl*_

As the song winded down and Sakura lowered herself into a final split on the stage, her brilliant green gaze met a different, kinder pair of onyx eyes, eyes that glinted with a hidden sort of fire. It was not lust, it was something…sweeter. Something that scared her, because she had not seen such emotion in a man's eyes in a very long time indeed.

XXX

"Stop fucking moving so much, Kisame! I can't fucking see!"

"It would help if you weren't so heavy…Why didn't I get Sasori to do this?" Kisame griped at Hidan, who was balanced precariously on his shoulders.

"A little to the left…a little more…stop. That's the fucking spot." Hidan licked his lips as he finally got a chance to peek into the window.

"What do you see?"

"I see…a sink. And…does Orochimaru seriously have a toilet in his fucking office?"

"You idiot." The blue-skinned man growled. "You're looking into the damn bathroom."

"Fuck." Hidan let go of the window sill and jumped down to the asphalt. "Wish I could watch pinkie dance instead of doing this shit."

"Any recon we can accomplish may help in the future." Kisame told the Jashinist. "Now shut up and let's go around to the left."

The duo went around to the side and spotted another window. Luckily, the Sound Bar was only one story, so they were able to check each room located around the club, which was at the building's center.

"Let's try this one." Kisame grunted as he knelt so Hidan could clamor onto this shoulders. "Jesus H. Christ, Hidan, what have you been eating?"

"I am a lean, mean, fucking machine." The silver haired man snarled.

"Yeah right." Kisame snorted. "I'm more of a fucking machine than you."

"Go suck a dick, Kisame. Oh shit!" Hidan jumped off of Kisame's shoulders and fell to the ground, a look of frustration on his face.

"What happened?"

"That little white haired shit…what was his name…fuck it. I think he saw me." Then Hidan smirked. "I almost want him to come out here, just so I can fuck him up a bit."

Secretly, Kisame decided he wouldn't mind wiping the smirk off of Suigetsu's ferrety face. He was fairly sure the punk was checking out Hinata, and the blue-skinned man did not care for that kind of deportment.

"Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Kisame and Hidan whirled around to face two people. One was huge, with a fat, flabby face and orange hair covering only part of his balding head, and the other appeared to be a male (but Kisame wasn't sure) with silvery hair and painted blue lips, inky tattoos snaking up his bare arms and ending at the left side of his hairline. The big one was holding a rolling pin. The other was holding a knife.

"Shit." Hidan muttered. Kisame motioned for him to shush.

"Just catching some air." Kisame said placidly. "It's pretty smoky in there and my friend here has sensitive lungs."

Here, Hidan bent over in an overly dramatic coughing fit before clearing his throat. "It's really fucking bad. Like seriously, I might have to get some meds."

The smaller man's bruise colored lips twisted upwards into a mocking smile. "Why do I not believe you? Hm? Jirobo, let us dispose of this trash."

"I agree, Sakon." The balding man smirked. "The trash needs to be taken out."

"Tell me you have a fucking plan." Hidan whispered fiercely.

"Of course I have a plan." Kisame flexed his arms as the pair stalked towards them, and Hidan flipped out his black handled switchblade, eyes glinting at the prospect of a fight. "It's called kick ass."

XXX

Sakura couldn't help but smile at the glowering redhead as she pulled wads of cash out of her garters and thong.

"Wow, this is a pretty good haul for me." Sakura chirped, snapping the front clasp of her bra shut, pulling on her costume, and inwardly smirking at the look on Karin's face.

"You were wonderful, Sakura." A cold, smooth voice, so familiar to her ears, cut across the silence in the changing room.

"Sasuke!" Karin ran over to the man lounging in the doorway and engulfed him in a hug, making sure to push her boobs into his chest. "You look so sexy tonight!"

"Back off, Karin." Sasuke rudely brushed her aside before turning his attention back to the pinkette.

"Sasuke." Sakura said without emotion, inclining her head a fraction.

"I have missed you."

Sakura's breath caught in her throat and her heart began pounding wildly, so she missed Karin's indignant gasp as she tried to collect her thoughts. "Really, Sasuke? Why did you leave?"

"I wanted more…control. I have power here. But now, I want you to stay with me."

Sakura could only laugh. "Seriously, Sasuke? You have got to be kidding me. And you have behaved like an immature bastard, what with that whole Facebook page and shit."

"That hamster meant everything to me! He ruined my childhood and now Itachi must pay. You and I though…we could be together."

"But Sasuke!" Karin whined, clinging to his shoulders. "We have such good times together! You're so amazing, what can she give you that I can't?"

 _A decent rack, an actual personality, real conversation…and the list goes on._ Sakura thought, creasing her brow at the women's obnoxious behavior.

Sasuke merely moved Karin to the side and sauntered towards Sakura, his dark eyes meeting her viridescent irises. He got closer and closer until the plane of his chest crushed into her and his hipbones dug into her body.

"Sasuke, get off of me!" Sakura exclaimed, pushing at his chest with her hands.

"Shut up." Sasuke grabbed her pink hair and yanked her head back, bringing his head down to kiss her.

His cold lips muffling her cry, Sakura could do nothing in her pinned position but pound his chest with her hands, but it was as effective as hitting a brick wall.

"Let her go, now." Suddenly, Sasuke's weight was removed as Itachi pulled him off of the pinkette and pinned him against some lockers. "I wouldn't do that, if I were you."

"Itachi." Sasuke spat, struggling to get free.

"Foolish little brother, did you not expect me to see you follow her in here?" Itachi murmured, releasing Sasuke from his position against the wall.

"Oh my goodness, Sasuke! Get away from my man, you asshole!" Karin screeched.

Meanwhile, Sakura wiped the moisture from her mouth, resisting the urge to spit. Then, she saw Sasuke coming in fast with a right hook to Itachi's mouth, and she cried out a warning.

Itachi ducked and retaliated with a swift uppercut to Sasuke's jaw that he dodged just in the nick of time. Before the fight could escalate, however, Orochimaru's voice cut in, seething with anger.

"What is the meaning of this?" The snake-like man snarled. "You clatter is going to disturb my African Rock Pythons and if Manda doesn't breed this year, there will be a problem."

"I was not aware. Please forgive me, and excuse my foolish little brother." Itachi said diplomatically, locking eyes with Orochimaru's narrowed ones.

"This isn't fair!" Sasuke whined, pouting. "Itachi should not have come!"

"You idiot." Sakura snorted. "You're the one that fucking invited him."

A confused look appeared on Sasuke's face, then a crazy grin. "That may be so. But Itachi, I have control over the Facebook page."

Itachi's eyes widened in horror as he remembered the simpering mobs of fangirls begging him to sign their chests. He took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure, and desperately wished for a Xanex.

"This needs to be settled. Tonight."

XXX

 _I wonder why that guy is carrying a rolling pin._ Deidara thought, watching a fat orange haired man walk out the back door Kisame and Hidan had slipped through fifteen minutes ago.

"Hey, Sasori my man, did you see that, yeah?" Deidara asked his redheaded companion who was busy nursing some kind of cocktail.

Before Sasori could answer however, Suigetsu came sauntering back up to the table, holding a water bottle casually and making sure to take a drink just before initiating conversation. Hinata was not amused when the white haired man locked his purple eyes with hers as he drank, letting a rivulet of water run down his throat.

"Hey, I was pretty rude to you all earlier, and I'd like to make up for it, especially to this lovely lady over here." Suigetsu said at last, winking at Hinata. "I would love to show you Orochimaru's prize pythons."

Hinata found this suggestion disconcerting, but nevertheless agreed to go see Orochimaru's pythons with Suigetsu, if only to avoid a confrontation. TenTen shook her head furiously, but Hinata smiled and nodded, getting up to follow the entertainer.

As the duo left, Deidara again looked toward the door and saw another two men, both with silver hair sneak out. He thought he saw some metal, and felt worry gnaw at his stomach. Something was very wrong.

"Sasori! Something is not right, yeah. I just saw two more guys follow Kisame and Hidan outside. I think they're carrying knives, yeah."

Sasori's normally calm hazel eyes widened and he downed the last of his drink. "Come on, brat. Let's go take care of this. Tobi!"

"Yes sir!"

"Come over here now. Don't keep me waiting."

XXX

As soon as the three were gone, TenTen turned to Kakuzu, who was absently examining his tattoos and occasionally glancing up at some Sound chick undressing up on the catwalk.

"You look unhappy."

Kakuzu gave the brunette a long look. "I'm here."

Feeling bold, TenTen scooted closer to the man until their thighs were nearly touching. "Considering we've been rooming for a while now, I feel bad for not knowing more about you. Why do you like money so much?"

"Money will always be there. It doesn't lose its value…"

"Inflation."

"Excuse me?"

"Being all Mr. Moneymaker, I think you've forgotten about a little thing called inflation." TenTen persisted.

Kakuzu's face scrunched up in a scowl. "I haven't forgotten. What would a woman know about saving money?"

 _Oh no he didn't!_ TenTen thought furiously. "Excuse me, but you are sadly mistaken." Her voice was calm, but shook a bit with anger. "Women are just as good as men when it comes to saving money, I'll have you know."

"That's what you think."

"I'll bet you $50 that I can do our weekly shopping and save more money than you."

Kakuzu, slightly taken aback at TenTen's aggressiveness, but keen on the idea of winning some cash, shook TenTen's slender hand. The brunette gave a wicked grin.

"Prepare to pay up."

XXX

"Shit!" Hidan exclaimed as he dodged another blow from Jirobo's rolling pin. The silver haired man was trying to make contact with fist or with his switchblade, but so far the fat ginger had thwarted his attempts at offense.

"Hang in there, Hidan!" Kisame growled, trying to wrest the knife from Sakon's hands, but the lithe man was just a tad faster than the blue-skinned man. _Please let some backup show up soon._ Kisame prayed mentally. _Not having to fight for so long has left us out of practice._

Sakon aimed for Kisame's vitals with his knife and Kisame parried with his own switchblade, silently congratulating himself for remembering to bring his weapon. He kicked at Sakon's knee and the man went down. Kisame grinned and moved in to finish the fight, but movement out of the corner of his eye made his blood run cold.

Another man, nearly a carbon copy of Sakon, was armed and aiming for Hidan's right side. And Kisame was too far away to stop him.

XXX

Ino walked into the changing room, excusing herself from conversation with Sasori and Deidara after hearing the sound of Sasuke's whining from outside. She knew she was a bit of a gossip and the blonde just had to know what shit was going down.

As she entered the room, Ino first saw Karin, who looked livid, then Sasuke, who looked irate, then Orochimaru, who looked smug. _This doesn't bode well._

"Sorry to intrude, but what's going on?" Ino asked, putting on her best fake smile.

"I believe we're about to have a little…competition, yes." Orochimaru replied, smirking . "It appears the Uchiha family is a tad… fucked up."

"Fucked up would be the understatement of the year." Ino muttered, then raised her voice again. "What are the terms of this competition?"

Here Sasuke's eyes glinted. "We will both strip. The person who receives the most tips will win. If I win, which I will-"

"Bastard." Sakura spat, still shaken from Sasuke's treatment of her.

"-Sakura will remain here with me. If Itachi wins, which he won't-"

"Narcissist." Ino murmured.

"-I'll take down the Facebook page."

"I don't want pinkie here!" Karin whined. She was promptly ignored.

"That's ridicul-" Sakura started, but was interrupted by Itachi.

"Deal."

Sasuke grinned. "I'm the favorite here, Itachi. You will lose."

Itachi looked at Sasuke, a small smirk gracing his features. Sasuke, as far as Itachi knew, had never watched Magic Mike.

XXX

While Sasori had never particularly cared for Hidan, finding the foul-mouthed man obnoxious and immature, he couldn't help the lurch in his gut as he exited out the back door to witness the Jashinist being stuck with a knife by one of the gray haired freaks.

Refusing to waste any more of his time, Sasori jumped into the fray, leaping onto the shoulders of the fat one and putting him in a brutal chokehold. Sasori may have been smaller than his fellow members, but he was by no means any less of a formidable fighter. Jirobo retaliated by trying to slam Sasori against the wall of the building, but the redhead hung on, squeezing Jirobo's neck like a vice. Jirobo slammed into the wall again, causing the redhead to hit his head and knocking the air from his lungs. Sasori's grip loosened just enough so that Jirobo was able to tear him away and slam him to the ground. Sasori rolled away but was unable to escape from Jirobo's kick to the back and he cried out against his will at the sudden pain.

Deidara, seeing his friend in trouble, came to the rescue, leaving Tobi and Kisame to deal with the twins who had successfully tricked Hidan into thinking there was only one of them. The Jashinist was on the ground trying to stem the bleeding from a long, shallow cut in his side but did not seem to be seriously injured.

Jirobo crumpled with a moan as Deidara connected a fierce blow to the inside of his knee, and Sasori rose unsteadily to his feet before knocking Jirobo unconscious.

"You alright, Sasori my man, yeah?" Deidara asked. Though he would never admit it to anyone but himself, Deidara did care about his partner.

"I'm fine, brat." Sasori eyed the confrontation between Kisame, Tobi, and the twins. "It's time to finish this."

XXX

"I don't like this." Kakuzu growled. "Everyone has been gone too long." The club had begun to fill up with women anticipating the baring of some toned chests, and he had been hit one a couple times by inebriated chicks much to TenTen's displeasure.

Said brunette then stood. "Let's go find Hinata. She went with that Suigetsu guy down there." she said, pointing towards the left.

"This excursion was a waste of money." Kakuzu grumbled, rising to his feet.

The duo walked in the direction Hinata had gone in, only to run into Sasuke.

"What do you think you're doing?" The younger Uchiha growled. _Smooth Criminal_ came on over the intercom.

"Trying to find Hinata." TenTen chirped. "She went with Suigetsu to look at Orochimaru's pythons…"

"What!?" Orochimaru appeared behind Sasuke, followed closely by Ino, Sakura and Itachi. He was obviously pissed. "He will disturb my experiments if he messes with Manda. Follow me."

The four entered a small room lined with snakes to hear a girl squeal. "Wow, it's so big!"

"That's what she said." TenTen muttered to Kakuzu, who couldn't help but smirk.

Suigetsu and Hinata were seated on the floor, handling a very large snake the color of coffee. Sasuke marched up to the two.

"I need him for my act."

Orochimaru scowled but didn't say anything.

"No, we're having fun. Go play with Karin if you want a snake." Suigetsu muttered. Sasuke was undeterred. He reached out to grab Manda from Hinata's hands…and was promptly bitten in the face.

"Fuck!" Sasuke pulled back violently, blood streaming from the punctures, and Orochimaru darted forward to comfort his favorite serpent.

Just then, Deidara stuck his head in the room, motioning furiously to the gang. "We've got a problem, yeah…And Orochimaru, there's three bodies by the dumpster, yeah."

The De-Flowering entertainers took their leave of Orochimaru, who seemed to be too busy attending his reptile to process what Deidara had just said. However, they had no time to explain what happened, and the group swiftly exited the club.

The last thing they heard, just before running outside, was Sasuke's furious cry. "This isn't over, Itachi! I will have my revenge!"

XXX

After the adrenaline rush faded from his veins, Hidan became aware of the pain, burning hot, across his side. He looked down at the shallow cut again, cursed himself for being so damn careless, and removed his shirt to use it as a bandage.

"Wait!" Sakura called, running towards him. "I had some medical training, let me look at it." A closer inspection of the wound revealed it to be superficial. "I'll stitch it up at the club."

Hidan grimaced. "That'll be really fucking fun. I knew the second I saw that rolling pin something was gonna go down." He looked over at Tobi, who was twiddling his thumbs and looking around much like a puppy would in a busy household. Hidan was confused as to what exactly went down, but it appeared the masked man had played a key part, along with Kisame, in saving his ass. And that kinda pissed him off.

The drive back to the De-Flowering Shop was hurried and frightening, as Sakura had elected to sit in the back with him, allowing Kakuzu to drive. Kakuzu, it turned out, drove like an old man on methamphetamine. It was really fucking scary.

"Damn, Kakuzu. I never expected you to drive like that." Hidan complained, walking unsteadily up the stairs to the club. "Where the fuck did you learn to drive?"

"I didn't."

Hidan opened his mouth to reply but Sakura interrupted him.

"Stop stalling and get int the damn house!" the pinkette yelled. "You'll get blood on the carpet and then Ino'll be furious!"

Scowling, Hidan skulked inside and came face to face with Temari, who had been contacted by TenTen and set up an area that Sakura could use to stitch the Jashinist up.

"You got fucked up." The blonde bluntly told him, shaking her head at him and causing her four ponytails to bounce.

"See something you like?" Hidan said, striking a pose then wincing. "Shit."

"Sit down." Temari said, pushing him down onto the couch.

The silver haired man smiled. "I like a bitch with a temper."

Sakura merely rolled her eyes and proceeded with the stitching while Temari looked on, bored.

"In fact, bitch, I like you so much I'd like take you out sometime."

Sakura froze and Temari choked.

"What?" the club's emcee blurted out.

"You heard what I said…fuck pinkie, that hurts!" Hidan growled, flinching.

Temari swiftly regained her composure and grinned. "Fine. I don't like seafood and I'm available in the afternoons. Provided, of course, you survive this procedure."

"No problem, I'm tough as fucking nails bit- FUCKING HELL!"

"Is that a tear, yeah?" Deidara asked, walking by with a glass of water and peeking curiously at Hidan lying on the couch.

"NO!"

XXX

Kisame scowled as he walked into the room, seeing Hinata folding some clothes and humming to herself. Kakuzu had told him about her excursion with Suigetsu, and the blue-skinned man was not pleased.

"Had a good time with that white haired punk?" The he said at last, unable to contain himself any longer.

Hinata turned toward him, irate. "He was just showing me some snakes, Kisame. Don't make such a big deal out of it." The indigo-haired beauty was not usually so confrontational, but she had had damn long day.

"Well, I heard you two got pretty close." Kisame pressed.

Hinata replied by walking over to him, pressing him down onto the bed, and straddling his hips, her long hair rippling down her back and splashing against her face.

"Kisame." she said.

"What?"

"Suigetsu means nothing to me, I was just bored and didn't want to be rude. Actually…" Here, Hinata blushed, a rosy glow rising in her cheeks. "…I think I love you."

Kisame's eyes widened, and he looked at Hinata with a sad expression. "No one's ever told me that before."

Hinata cupped Kisame's cheek in her delicate hand and looked him firmly in the eye. "Let me repeat that, then. I love you." She paused, suddenly insecure. "I hope you feel at least some emotion…"

Kisame shushed her by sitting up and giving her a passionate kiss. "I love you too, Hinata. I just never want to share you."

Hinata gave a soft cry of happiness before pulling him in for another kiss, feeling Kisame's hand inch up her back towards her bra. The girl knew where this was headed, and although tiredness had made itself known, she didn't mind at all

XXX

Ino, modesty concealed by terrycloth robe, emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, only to run into a half-naked Sasori.

"Damn, this seems to keep happening." Ino joked, subtly checking out the planes of Sasori's tattooed chest.

Sasori groaned and rubbed his head. "I don't have time for this."

Ino looked at him quizzically. "Are you okay?"

"During that fight that fat sod hit my head against a wall pretty good. And my back hurts some. But it's not a big deal." He replied, trying to brush it off.

Ino responded by turning the man around and looking at his back, which was adorned with a massive bruise blooming in all shades of purple, yellow, and brown. She whistled. "That looks like a bitch. Go back to our room, I'll bring you some Tylenol and ice." She glared at the affronted look on Sasori's face. "No arguments!"

Ino came back to her room to find Sasori uncomfortably twisted on his air mattress, trying unsuccessfully to keep pressure off of his back.

"This is ridiculous," the blonde huffed "Up onto the bed, now."

"Sasori looked at her strangely. "Where will you sleep?"

"Where I usually do. Don't look at me like that, the bed's more than big enough for the both of us. Now take your Tylenol and I'll put some ice on your bruise."

Sasori opened his mouth to argue, but at the look in Ino's eyes, decided against it. It was okay to be pampered once in a while, he supposed.

XXX

Sakura tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable on her mattress.

"Stop moving."

The pinkette sighed. "Itachi, I'm trying my best. I was hunched over Hidan for about half an hour, so I'm all out of sorts."

Itachi moved so he could look at her, propping his head up on his right hand and looking all the world like some sort of model.

"You know, it's your own damn fault that Facebook page is so popular."

"Hn."

"I bet you've seen enough boobies to be content for the rest of your life."

Itachi shuddered. "I'd rather not talk about this."

"Oh."

There was a brief silence before Itachi himself broke it. "Where did you learn to stitch?"

Sakura sighed, a melancholy look flitting over her face. It didn't fit in with her usually cheery personality, Itachi decided, and he wished he hadn't asked.

"I was in training to become a nurse…but, well, I couldn't afford to finish school. Then when Ino contacted me about a club she was buying, and I just kinda went with it." Then, Sakura began to shake, looking upset. "I…I wish I had never been with Sasuke. If…if you hadn't intervened, I don't know what would have happened to me." A few tears leaked from her eyes.

Itachi felt extremely uncomfortable. He was not, as a rule, good at comforting people. When Kisame's first goldfish had died, the elder Uchiha could barely manage a consoling shoulder pat. But then he remembered his friend's sage advice. And Kisame was considered the relationship guru, having been a faithful reader of Cosmopolitan for several years. Itachi, taking it from the self-proclaimed expert, responded by getting up and laying down on Sakura's bed, pulling the pinkette down beside him. A sense of accomplishment washed through him, and when Sakura curled into his chest, Itachi felt a curious pull somewhere around the vicinity of his heart. If only Kisame could see him now.

 **Author's Note: If you all didn't want to kill me last chapter, I'm sure you all do now! Don't worry though, there will be A LOT more stripping in the next chapter. I just have one question for you all: Gaara or Neji? The choice is yours!**


	7. In Which Ino Makes a Phone Call

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment purposes only.**

It was morning, and the house was quiet. There was no Tobi skipping down the hallways, there was no chatter echoing throughout the rooms. Silence reigned, and all was peaceful. But not for long.

Hidan had woken up.

Now, Hidan was not an early bird by any stretch of the imagination, but the medication Sakura had allowed him the night before had worn off and he could feel the annoying, itchy pain of the stitches along his side. At first, the Jashinist had tried to fall back into slumber, but as he could no longer stand the taste of his own mouth, that was no longer an option. So, grumbling to himself, he slid out of bed with the mission of fetching a glass of water.

Deidara, curled up on an air mattress, mumbled before turning over and continuing his snoozing as Hidan snuck by. The silver haired man gave him the finger (because Deidara's baby blue sleep mask looked fucking stupid) and stepped over the blonde's form, deciding that it would probably be best not to wake his fellow members, and more importantly, the girls they lived with.

As the man walked stealthily towards the kitchen, he couldn't help but peek into the rooms he walked by. Call it his curious side kicking in, but damn if he didn't enjoy catching people off guard. At first, all seemed normal. Kakuzu and TenTen were fast asleep, the latter twitching occasionally as she dreamed while the former impersonated a corpse, not moving at all during the night. The second room was Hinata's and Kisame's. Their door was closed, but Hidan opened it anyway, wincing as the hinges squeaked. Luckily, the minute noise did not disturb the two lovers, who were tangled up in Hinata's sheets. Hidan smirked at the scene; although he was slightly jealous of Kisame's good fortune, Hidan had a strong preference for blondes with an attitude, and he inwardly congratulated himself for managing to secure Temari's favor. He wasn't looking for a relationship per say, but a good roll in the sheets was always welcome. Closing the door again, Hidan continued his path and walked right by Ino's and Sasori's room, being sure to take a quick glance inside.

And nearly had an aneurysm right then and there. _What. The. Fuck._

The redhead and the blonde were cozied up on the bed, sound asleep. Sasori's face was serene, and Hidan swore the edges of Ino's lips were lifted in an unconscious smile. "This cannot be actually happening," the silver haired man muttered. "That puppet loving freak has no chance with the blonde bitch." Comforting himself with the fact no clothes were missing from either person, he concluded that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for the strange occurrence. Then he got to Sakura's room and again treated himself to a peek within.

Shocked and disturbed, Hidan turned and ran up the stairs, ignoring the itch in his side. Itachi was in a bed with a female, and that could only mean one thing. Mustering his courage, Hidan began to mentally review the procedure for an exorcism.

XXX

TenTen was usually terrible at keeping New Year's resolutions. First, she had vowed to lay off the sweets, but a box of chocolate covered strawberries hidden in the fridge spoke of her sins. Then, it was to stop visiting thrift shops and buying old weaponry. However, keeping herself from all things sharp and shiny had proved futile. Finally, it was to exercise even more. Now, since TenTen classified "exercise" as anything that got one's heart rate up, she would be able to say she had indeed kept her resolution.

Because waking up to the shrill scream of a fire alarm was a great way to kickstart your day.

"What the fuck!?" she growled, more than a little irritated. Kakuzu was out of bed in a second, quickly throwing off his sheets and leaping upright.

"TOBI DOESN'T WANT TO DIE! HE'S A GOOD BOY!" The masked man ran past the door, crying for Deidara to hurry up. The blonde followed close behind, sleep mask on his forehead and long hair in disarray. Kisame had his arm around Hinata and was guiding her along, a worried expression on his face.

"Come on." The tattooed man grunted at her, jerking his head in the direction of the door.

TenTen was flabbergasted. Kakuzu was appearing to give a shit about something. Too shocked to reply, the brunette wordlessly followed him down the hallway, the smell of smoke lingering in her nostrils. The funny thing was, this smoke had a really funny scent. _Rosemary?_ TenTen thought. Then it hit her, and she turned to Kakuzu, motioning for him to follow her. The man gave her a long stare but trailed after her anyway, curious as to what on earth his roommate had realized.

They found the source of the smoke in the kitchen, as she had expected. "Do you want to kill him or shall I?" The brunette asked Kakuzu. She needn't have bothered though, as Sakura had just come into the area and spotted the culprit.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

Hidan was seated in the middle of the kitchen floor, the contents of Ino's spice drawer spilled out in front of him, slowly burning to a crisp. A jar of tomato sauce was in use as the Jashinist drew several designs on the floor, mumbling to himself. As Sakura charged him, Hidan leapt up, holding out his pendant in the hopes of warding her off.

"Back, demon! In the name of Jashin, I command it!" he yelled.

"May I ask what's going on?" Itachi said, sauntering into the room. "I turned off the alarm."

"IT WALKS! Foul spirit, I command you to name yourself!" Hidan continued. Itachi just looked at him blankly, and Sakura finally gave in to her violent impulses and slapped Hidan in the face, hard.

Hidan sat down suddenly, face solemn. "You should not be able to touch my body. How is it, demoness, that you can do this?"

"What the fucking hell are you talking about?!" Sakura hissed. Hidan looked around the room and was greeted by Itachi's raised eyebrows and Kakuzu's flat expression.

"I'm trying to help, they're possessed, Kakuzu. Help me exorcise the devils within!" Hidan contended, pointing at Sakura and Itachi.

"Well, you're being unusually stupid." Kakuzu said evenly. "TenTen, go tell the others everything is fine." TenTen's eyes flashed at the command but she did as requested, sneering at Hidan's defeated expression.

"They were in the same bed together! Clearly a nefarious demon is at work." Sakura flushed, and Itachi crossed his arms, frowning.

"Is it really so unbelievable that I may occasionally enjoy physical touch?" The raven asked, sounding vulnerable. Sakura patted his arm consolingly.

Kakuzu merely shook his head, moderately surprised but concealing it perfectly. Count on his partner to make a huge deal out of something that, while admittedly startling, hardly bordered on "emergency exorcism needs to be carried out." He had seen this kind of shit from his partner before, and it was still really fucking irritating.

"Hidan." The Jashinist looked up, and Kakuzu stared him down. "You will clean everything up, and you will apologize. No one is possessed."

"So you're not possessed?" Hidan asked Itachi and Sakura. Kakuzu suppressed the instinct to kill. He had _literally_ just said they were not possessed.

"Nope." Sakura replied smartly. Hidan was certainly not the brightest crayon in the box. Itachi just hnn'd, looking vaguely upset.

At last Hidan walked glumly outside to apologize, and Kakuzu took a deep breath. Anger management was really working. Then another strong impulse to destroy something shot through him. So he still needed some work.

"Did that seriously happen?" Sakura asked him, once the tattooed man had gotten his temper under control.

Kakuzu sighed, defeated. "It's happened more than I'd like to admit."

As he finished his sentence, TenTen skipped happily into the room, followed by the rest of the gang. "I knew you could say more than two words in the morning!" she crowed, laughing at Kakuzu's sullen expression.

Hidan had commenced sweeping the piles of burnt herbs into one heap when a sharp cough caused him to look up, startled. Realizing who it was, the Jashinist guiltily met Ino's furious gaze, and mentally began to pray his balls would stay attached.

XXX

After having set Hidan at scrubbing the house, Ino felt immediately better about the whole exorcism thing. Although the place still smelled faintly of Italian herbs, the burn mark on the floor was barely noticeable and the tomato sauce had come out nicely. Soon, the air would carry a citrus tinge and Hidan would be too tired to cause any more trouble. Of course she would allow him time to gather strength for the lap dances he would be performing tonight. Sakura had examined his wound and determined that as long as he was careful he would be fine, and thank goodness too, because they were already going to be out one person. That person just didn't know it yet. And that was why she was waiting patiently outside the bathroom, ready to confront a certain redhead.

The door opened, releasing a billow of steam into her bedroom. Ino's was the only attached bath, but she had graciously allowed Sasori full access. Said member was soon revealed, one towel wrapped around his slim hips and another being used to dry his hair. Ino swallowed, trying not to watch the way his biceps flexed as the man dried himself.

"I grow tired of this scenario." Sasori sighed.

Ino suppressed the urge to blush. "Well, we've got some business to take care of and I didn't want to wait."

The redhead smirked, noticing the faint tinge of color in Ino's cheeks. "At least you don't procrastinate. What do you want?"

"You're not going to be able to perform tonight."

"What?" Sasori frowned. "I'm fine, and it's my turn." Like it or not, a certain rivalry had sprung up between the members in their little venture. It was only a matter of time before they started keeping track of the earnings made and lap dances given. Damn if he wasn't going to dance tonight.

"Have you seen your back? I can't let you wander around shirtless when you look like an eggplant has been grafted under your skin."

Sasori started to speak, but was interrupted by Sakura barging into the room, a furious look gracing her features. "Dumbass can't perform tonight. Idiot went and tore out some of his stitches vacuuming!"

"Why am I not surprised?" Ino groaned, trying not to scream. "I don't care what you have to do, but if anyone injures themselves again, I'm going to kill them. Slowly."

Sakura nodded, then turned to glare at Sasori. "Ice on that back every two hours, ginger. Or else."

Sasori was about to retort that "Ginger" was not an okay nickname, but the pinkette had already gone. Fridays were huge nights at the club, and there was a lot to get done.

"I will be performing tonight, then." Sasori stated.

"No, you will not be." Ino gave a very fake smile. "Pein will have my ass if I get one of you guys in the hospital."

"How do you know him anyway?"

"Konan and I were sorority sisters, actually."

"What degree?" Sasori was not, as a rule, talkative, but he had not known Ino had any sort of higher level education.

"None. After my father died, I had to come back and take care of my younger brothers. But anyway," Ino continued "you can't perform. Not sure what to do now, missing two members isn't too great for Friday night business…"

"Surely you have connections, just think about it. You're wasting my time."

Ino turned to look at him, then eyed his red hair and smiled. Pulling out her cell phone, she quickly dialed Temari's number.

 _"Hello?"_

"It's Ino. Is your younger brother interested in a little cash? You were telling me he was taking a break from the movie industry not too long ago."

 _"Yeah, actually. Let me get him."_

During the lull, Ino turned to a bemused Sasori and winked. _You're pretty alright, Ginger._

XXX

"Ugh." Sakura muttered to herself as she washed her hands. "I am so fucking done with people getting hurt around here." The pinkette looked up, examining herself in the mirror, somewhat pleased. Although her work involved rather high energy activities, she had always been a faithful gym goer and that was not about to change. Plus, she needed to relieve the stress caused by the exorcism incident and a quick run, stretching, and some weights would do wonders for her.

Donning a black sports bra and some athletic shorts, she grabbed a water bottle and headed to the basement, ready to work up a sweat. She shortly arrived at the bottom of the stairs and made for the treadmill, but not before carefully stretching her legs and sides.

It was in the first part of her third mile that she heard the singing. It sounded like "I'm A Little Teapot" but Sakura couldn't be sure.

"Shut up, Tobi, yeah!" _Ah hah._ Sakura thought. _It is_ _"I'm A Little Teapot."_

Deidara slouched into the room, giving Sakura a long, defeated look. "I'm sorry, yeah. He insisted."

Sakura just shrugged, too focused on her running to speak. However, after about thirty more minutes of exerting herself, her focus was drawn to Tobi, who seemed to shed his usual clumsiness, moving around the weights and equipment with the practiced ease of a long time gym junkie. And he was able to lift a surprising amount. To her surprise, Sakura found herself subtly checking out Tobi's defined biceps and forearms. It was nearly ludicrous to find the childlike man attractive, considering he had the mentality of a six year old, but his body was, well, really nice.

A groan snatched Sakura's attention away from Tobi to focus on a red-faced Deidara, who was struggling to lift a dumbbell. Sakura laughed to herself. She was small, but strong, and had a secret feminist side. Not as prominent as TenTen's, but still prominent enough to warrant her intervention.

"You, know, Deidara," Sakura said, getting off the treadmill "it's a lot easier if you do it this way…"

Deidara moved, giving her a look that said _Like eff you're gonna lift that, yeah._ His jaw soon dropped as the woman proceeded to do six reps.

"See?" Sakura smiled, looking pleased with herself.

"Wow! Deidara, the pretty girl is really strong! You must be a super hero!" Tobi squealed, skipping over to the two. He shook her hand enthusiastically. "It's so nice to know you!"

Deidara's face went from pink to red. "Shut up, Tobi, yeah."

Sakura just laughed. "If you change you're technique a bit, I'm sure you'll be able to lift even more." She poked him hard in the abs. "I can tell."

The blonde smirked, his embarrassment forgotten. "I'll do that, yeah. I'd stay, but I told TenTen I'd go shopping with her so if someone complained about the food this week they'd bitch at me, yeah."

Has it really been that long? She checked the time and sure enough, forty minutes had passed.

After Deidara had left, Sakura commenced with the second part of her workout, dragging out a yoga mat and proceeding to work her core. This was probably the trickiest part of her routine, because the men didn't like rock-hard tummies. It was a fine line between a too toned stomach and just the right amount of firmness.

"If you want to learn a great new exercise for that, Sakura, Tobi can show you one." The masked man sauntered over, having removed his shirt to reveal nicely defined abs and…a nipple piercing? Sakura raised an eyebrow, intrigued. His voice was darker now, smoother. It sent a shiver down her spine. **_Fuck me sideways!_** Inner chimed. **_Tobi has a sexy bedroom voice!_** _Shut up! I thought I was rid of you long ago._

"Uh…sure, Tobi."

"It's not too bad." He motioned for Sakura to lie on her back and she obliged, struggling not to say anything as Tobi took hold of her lower thighs and proceeded to show her a new variation of the classic bicycle. After about thirty seconds of doing the exercise, Sakura's core was screaming and she lay panting, but smiling.

"Thanks. Where the hell did you learn that?" Sakura asked, gathering her iPod and water bottle. She still had to prep for the show tonight.

She jumped when Tobi snuck up behind her, grabbing her petite waist and whispering huskily in her ear. "Tobi knows many things he'd like to show Sakura."

"Um, yeah, ok…" Sakura mumbled, rushing up the stairs. _That was really fucking weird._ Taking a quick glance at the time, the pinkette realized she was running late. _Ah shit. I'll let Ino know later._

However, due to the time crunch, the incident would remain with her.

XXX

The doorbell rang promptly at nine o' clock, and Hidan, having been banished from participating in the pre-stripping rituals, was the one who answered.

Standing in the doorway was a redheaded guy who would look a lot like Sasori if it wasn't for his clear jade eyes and the scarlet tattoo on his forehead.

"Who the hell are you?" Hidan asked, trying to be polite.

"Ino asked for me."

"INO! SOME DUDE IS AT THE DOOR!" Hidan yelled up the stairs.

"IS IT GAARA?" The blonde screamed back.

"WHO THE FUCK IS GAARA?"

"HE HAS A TATTOO ON HIS FOREHEAD!"

"YES, IT'S HIM!"

"LET HIM IN THEN!"

"FINE!" Hidan stepped to the side. "'Sup dude?"

Gaara just gave the silver haired man an exasperated glare as he stepped inside, pulling off his jacket to reveal a grey tank top and a chiseled physique. "Who's the idiot that got himself injured?"

Hidan crossed his arms. "I was fucking stabbed, buddy. The other guy got kicked in the back fighting a dude four times his size. We're not pussies here."

"Did I say that?" Gaara said flatly. "Haven't been here in a while."

"You used to work here or something?"

"Yeah, Naruto Uzumaki got me out of the Suna gang and hooked me up with a job here. Temari is my sister."

"You're sister is one hot bitch."

"Say that again and there will be a problem." Gaara snarled.

"It was just a compliment, like seriously…"

"Gaara! It's been so long!" Sakura had just come down the stairs, wearing nothing a red two piece, and engulfed the redhead in a hug, which he returned awkwardly. "How are you? How's the movie business?"

"Well, I'm taking a break for a bit."

"Whoa, you make movies, yeah?" Deidara had just come down the stairs, blonde hair looking freshly washed and dried.

"Yeah, and star in them too." Gaara replied, turning to face the blonde fully. Then, a flicker of recognition flashed across his face.

"Wait, I fucking know you! You bastard, yeah!" Deidara growled, attempting to sucker punch the redhead.

"What the fuck!?" Sakura yelled, trying to hold Deidara back. Luckily, Itachi had heard the commotion and come the the rescue, restraining the blonde while Gaara recovered his composure.

"Do you two know each other?" Itachi asked mildly, unruffled despite having stopped Deidara from punching someone while dressed in a silver thong.

"The jerk tried to kill me yeah! Almost cut off my arm with a fucking machete! That's how I got these, yeah!" Deidara said vehemently, pointing at two deep scars on his right arm.

"I briefly _died_ because of you!" Gaara shot back, obviously pissed. "I'm going."

"Please don't." Sakura asked. "We really need you. Can't you guys just kiss and make up?"

"I don't think a heart-to-heart is going to solve this." Kisame interjected, coming down the stairs. "However, I will remind Deidara that Leader will not be pleased at your conduct." The blue-skinned man turned to Gaara. "I don't know you, but I'm hoping you'll stick to your word and help us out."

The redhead sighed. "I suppose I will."

"What kind of movies do you make anyway?"

Gaara gave a devilish smirk. "Have you seen Great Sexpections?"

XXX

It was midnight, and Deidara stood behind the black curtains, trying to calm his nerves. The girls had finished with their part of the entertainment, and the vast majority of the crowd was composed of women looking for a great night out. He was still itching to pick a fight with the composed redhead, but since Sasori and Hidan couldn't perform tonight, it was necessary to have an extra entertainer in the wings. He took a deep breath. He was prepared. He was sexy. This would be a cinch.

"Nervous?"

"What do you want, yeah?" Deidara sighed, turning to a perfectly unfazed Gaara, who shrugged. Deidara adjusted his outfit and resumed innerly preparing himself, until Temari's sultry voice sounded over the speakers. It's show time. Deidara shot a last glare at the stoic redhead. If I can't punch ya, I'll make sure the ladies are thinking of me while watching you, yeah.

 **"Ladies, we at Yamanaka's De-Flowering Shop welcome you. We have a little blend of both new and old tonight, and it is my pleasure to introduce…Deidara!"**

 _*Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah*_

Deidara swaggered out onto the stage, being sure to add a bit of swing to his hips, accentuating their leanness. He smirked at the cheering women and hit the floor, grinding against it and moving himself forward to get closer the the crowd.

 _*Up in the club with my homies Trying to get a little VI/ keep it down on the low key*_

He sat up on his heels and swiveled his torso the the beat, his clingy black shirt leaving little to the imagination, for the garment outlined every taut muscle in his torso. He allowed a few women to slip their hands underneath it to caress said muscles, but soon he rose to his feet, executing some fancy footwork and a well timed body roll. From the sound, Deidara knew he had pulled it off quite nicely and smiled to himself, looking coyly at the ladies down below him.

 _*Conversation got heavy, she had me feelin' like she's ready to blow! (Watch out!)*_

Twerking briefly at the beat drop, Deidara jumped and landed softly, swiveling his hips. A shower of bills greeted this, and the blonde couldn't wait to see the look on Kakuzu's face. Grinning, he went down the the stage, thrusting smoothly against the catwalk. He twerked his hips erotically, causing several women to squeal and flush.

 _*Yeah (yeah), her and my girl used to be the best of homies Yeah (yeah), next thing I knew she was all up on me screaming*_

The shirt was at last removed, exposing a perfect six-pack and a v-line worth envying. The women went wild, showering money upon the stage. Deidara ground against the stage in sync with the lyrics, allowing bills to be stuffed deep into his pockets and tucked into the waistband, kept loose for that purpose.

 _*She asked for one more dance and I'm Like yeah, how the hell am I supposed to leave*_

Swiftly, he rose again, moving his hips seductively and making sure to flex each ab in turn before grabbing his package and thrusting his lean hips, insinuating what he would love to do to every woman in the audience. He selected a brunette and pulled her onto the stage, her friends' cheering deafening in his ears.

*My outfit's ridiculous, in the club lookin' so conspicuous.*

Bending the woman over, he gently ground against her in small circles, letting the ladies get an eyeful of the jeans perfectly outlining the contours of his ass. The woman below him squealed in delight as he moved; to her, feeling his perfect musculature was just as good, if not better, than getting to see it.

 _*These women all on the prowl, if you hold the head steady I'm a milk the cow.*_

Deidara, feeling a bit cocky, flipped the woman over and held her face to his groin. The girl blushed crimson, but stuffed a twenty into his pants. He smiled at her then, lifted her back down to the floor before falling against the catwalk again, twerking, swiveling, and raking in the dough.

 _*Yeah (yeah), next thing I knew she was all up on me screaming:Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeah!*_

At last escaping the grabby hands of the assembled ladies, Deidara rewarded them with several perfect body rolls and a wink, feeling the weight and rustle of bills in his pockets. Kakuzu would be pleased.

"That wasn't bad, brat." Sasori greeted him as he walked down towards the changing room. The injured redhead had decided to make himself useful by doing some maintenance and repair work out of the way while Hidan acted as bouncer for the night.

"Sasori, my man! You should be out there, yeah."

A snort was heard from the other side of the lockers. "I can practically guarantee I will make more than any of you tonight." Gaara stepped out of the shadows, his jade eyes rimmed with black kohl and his red kanji tattoo stark against his pale skin.

"You may be quiet but you're also cocky." Sasori retorted. "We would be just fine on our own."

 **"Looks like our boys are feeling a bit hot under the collar, hmm?"** Temari's voice floated down into the room and Gaara quickly moved back up to the stage, but not before tossing out one last jab.

"I'll show you what the ladies like. Don't forget who I am or what I do."

Deidara waited until he was out of earshot before remarking to Sasori. "He does look awfully a lot like you, yeah."

Sasori just shrugged. This wasn't his problem.

XXX

"Thanks for agreeing to help out."

"Must I make idle chatter with you?" Gaara replied, giving Sakura a stink-eye.

"No. I'm sorry that you and Deidara got off on the wrong foot."

Gaara merely sighed. "Before Naruto paid my way of that gang, I did some pretty bad things. Since he's not here to help out, I don't mind being a stand in."

"The long distance thing must be wearing on you, huh?"

"Well, he's already convinced me to star in one of his movies, so we both needed this. It's tolerable."

 **"And, for one night, and one night only, we have a special guest…Sabaku no Gaara!"**

"Good luck!"

XXX

Itachi was curious about the redhead. He was…different. Aloof. Cold. The raven wondered how on earth someone like that could be a stripper. But then again, he was a stripper, so…? Curious, Itachi snuck into the back and decided to watch "Gaara" dance. He ought to be getting ready for his single number, but Itachi decided to indulge himself. He had already earned a substantial amount of cash giving lap dances.

 _*Show me the meaning of being lonely*_

What a strange choice for a song. Usually, the entertainment was carried out in time to a thumping beat, but this was different. A bit sad. The spotlight switched on and Itachi's gaze was drawn to the redhead who was standing with his head down, clothed in a white collared shirt with a grey fedora on his head. The figure reached out towards the audience, and Gaara met the cheering ladies with a strange kind of look in his eyes, as if he wasn't really there but was just thinking about someone very far away.

 _*So many words for the broken heart*_

Gaara put his hand over his chest and moved his shoulders from side to side, swaying fluidly with the music, reaching out again to touch a woman's hand then recoiling, moonwalking backwards as if struggling against a strong wind. Itachi felt his own heart lurch and put a hand to his chest. He was feeling… _Nostalgic?_ This was lunacy.

 _*Walk with me, and maybe*_

Now Gaara added a note of seduction to his dance, moving his hand under his shirt to expose defined abdominal muscles. The redhead was a bit of the thin side, but still built enough to be considered extremely attractive, judging from the cheers issued by the audience. His hips moved in small, slow circles, accentuating his v-line. Gaara did a perfect body roll, but it was a slow, sensual execution instead of the usual quick completion of the winning move.

 _*Your every wish will be done They tell me*_

As the tempo sped up, Gaara quickly moved forward, ripping off his black tie and throwing it away dramatically before popping off the top few buttons of his shirt to expose his chiseled throat and delectable pectorals.

 _*Show me the meaning of being lonely*_

Gaara now went down to the ground, rolling against the stage sensually, throwing back his head and closing his eyes. The moves were still not explicit nor sexual, they were just…emotional. The women reached out to touch the redhead, but he remained just beyond their reach, seeming even further away by the feeling clouding his gaze and showing on his face.

 _*Tell me why I can't be there where you are*_

Rising to his feet, Gaara performed a flawless controlled fall, every muscle in his lean body flexing beautifully as he descended to the stage again. Parting his lips, the redhead ran a hand through his already tousled hair and pretended to beat his fist against the stage while slowly grinding into it, the very picture of a lover in agony without his other half. The ladies around cheered and sighed collectively, throwing bunches of money upon the stage as Gaara played their inner romantics.

 _*Guilty roads to an endless love (endless love)*_

The redhead proceeded to crawl around the edge of the stage, allowing the ladies to slip more cash into his well fitted pants. He bent over, stretching out his deliciously toned chest and abs, but not quite baring it all yet. Hands reached out to touch him, but Gaara remained just out of reach, so tantalizingly close but still so far away.

 _*Your every wish will be done They tell me*_

He left the edge of the catwalk and moved to the wall at the back of the stage, putting one hand on the wall and rolling his body carefully to give the crowd a nice view of his backside before turning around swiftly and strutting forward.

 _*Show me the meaning of being lonely*_

The shirt was off now, and the women below were quick to make their appreciation known. Gaara smirked at the new cascade of bills but maintained a soft look on his handsome face, taking off the fedora and bowing to the crowd. Not quite done, he replaced his hat and once again went down the the stage, accomplishing another controlled fall and roll much to the crowd's delight.

 _*Tell me why I can't be there where you are*_

Gaara once again stood, moonwalking towards the back of the stage while flexing his abs. At the culmination of the beat, the redhead tossed his hat into the crowd and bowed his head. The stage went black.

 _*There's something missing in my heart*_

XXX

"Gaara, that was beautiful!" Sakura squealed. "I've never seen you dance like that before. You must really miss Naruto, huh?"

Gaara merely inclined his head, spotting a certain blonde looking at him. Deidara did not seem overly pleased, but did nod in his direction. In return, Gaara gave the Akatsuki member a brief salute, then turned to leave. His work here was done.

XXX

Outside, among the crowd, two men were standing, each lost in his own thoughts. One found himself, for once, un-captivated by the the carpet of bills littering the stage. The other couldn't help but remain still for a while, mulling over his thoughts. Then, he reached a decision. He would be performing something a little different tonight.

 **Author's Note: Well, I really hope that was enjoyable, because it's taken me way too long to get this out to you guys. Anyway, reviews are really, really appreciated. I would rather have a review than a chocolate chip cookie, and that is saying something. Thanks for sticking with me!**


	8. In Which Kisses Are Given

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment purposes only.**

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Temari hissed at Itachi. "This is not a good idea."

"I am sure." Itachi said evenly. "I think I finally understand what the crowd wants."

"Well…ok. I guess. But if you fuck up, it's on you." The blonde delved into her box of records and pulled out the needed soundtrack. "I hope, for your sake, this goes well."

Itachi blinked. "I have every reason to believe I'll be fine."

Temari merely shook her head. _I want a raise._

XXX

It seemed that Gaara's performance had made everyone feel a little lonely and nostalgic, if Sasori's posture was anything to go by. Ino watched the redhead's shoulders slump as the strains of music faded from the air. It was…sad. Sasori was easily the most aloof member in the Akatsuki, and had given no previous indication of being capable of such an emotional reaction. But here he was, head in his hands, shoulders trembling almost imperceptibly. Ino could here him breathing from her position behind the locker, and the air seemed to catch in his throat like it was trying to get past something jagged and painful. She had to do something. Inhaling softly, she stepped out from behind the lockers and walked slowly towards the redhead.

"Hey."

Sasori's head snapped up with a jerk and his eyes darted back and forth like a trapped animal's. His eyes were rimmed red, and his cheeks were wet. "What do you want?" he snarled.

Ino didn't say anything. She merely sat beside the redhead and gently touched his shoulder. Counseling TenTen after her breakup with Neji, and Sakura after Sasuke's betrayal had taught her well in the methods useful in dealing with people who were upset. They were like wounded creatures, lashing out at everything because in their pain they forgot who the real enemy was.

They sat for a few seconds before Sasori broke the silence.

"I'm sorry. I am not so pathetic as to let emotions get the best of me."

Ino sighed and scooted even closer to him, so that their thighs gently touched. "It's not pathetic to feel." she said gently, putting an arm around him.

Sasori shrugged off her arm and got to his feet. "As far as I'm concerned, my heart is as alive as one of my puppets. I feel nothing. This was just a…momentary lapse."

"Don't be absurd. No matter what you say, you're human. And you feel."

The male hung his head. So quietly it was barely audible, a whisper reached Ino's ears. "Then why does it have to hurt so bad?"

"Because that's the way the heart works…You get to feel joy, but where there's joy there is also sadness. Like when I think about my father."

"I just want it to go away."

"This might help, then…" Ino closed the distance between them and engulfed the redhead in a hug, leaning her head against his solid chest and squeezing him tightly, taking care to avoid his back. She felt his breath hitch in surprise, but he eventually relaxed into her touch and put his arms around her with a whispering exhalation.

"Thank you."

XXX

Sakura was antsy. Since Fridays were such huge nights for the club and Gaara couldn't stay, Itachi had elected to do a solo on stage. His original song had been some hip-hop number, but Sakura had seen the raven dart into the sound booth to talk to Temari, and she now had a strong feeling that something had changed. The pinkette had dressed into black pants and a white button up to fulfill her role as bartender once the male patrons had left, and was now nestled securely behind the bar, thankfully apart from the hordes of women roaming around the room. Sometimes the club scene got a little monotonous, and she suppressed the urge to yawn. Booze. Women. Music. Booze. All very predictable. Then Temari's voice boomed over the speakers, and Sakura found suddenly herself very, very wide awake.

 **"Now that we've had a little warm up to get our hearts going-"** Here a raucous cheer rose from the crowd **"-I am privileged to introduce you to our final act of the night…Itachi!"**

 _*I don't know where you're going but do you got room for one more troubled soul*_

Sakura's head jerked toward the stage, where Itachi stood. He was dressed casually, in tight fitting black jeans, an unzipped leather jacket, and a form fitting white tank. At the first strains of music, his head rose, and dark onyx eyes locked on her jade ones as he began to sensually sway his hips. He closed his eyes, breaking the contact, and tilted his head back to exhibit the fine lines of his chiseled throat and the way his long black hair, captured in its usual low ponytail, cascaded down his back. In time to the beat, his foot began to tap, and Sakura swore a faint smile upturned the corners of his mouth.

 _*And I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't end up dead*_

Stalking forward, Itachi surveyed the crowd with a slight gleam in his eye before executing a controlled fall to the stage, slowly grinding against the smooth catwalk. He was sure to enact each move in such a way that his muscles were easy to discern underneath the fabric of his shirt and Sakura gulped audibly, cheeks flaming. Her resident Uchiha may have been inexperienced behind closed doors but goddamn there were some things she wanted to do to him right now because fuck he was sexy. **_Just go for it!_** Inner chimed. **_He'll love it!_** _Please stop thinking now._ The pinkette struggled with her composure before her eyes once again shot to the stage.

 _*Say yeah! Let's be alone together!*_

Jumping to his feet, Itachi did a seamless body roll, thrusting his hips forward at the end and running his hands through his hair, drawing attention to the delicious muscles flexing with the movement. The crowd went wild, dollar bills rained down upon the stage and fangirls screamed Itachi's name. He twerked his hips in response, causing a couple ladies to faint from the sheer sexiness of the move.

 _*We'll stay young, young, young*_

Going down to the stage once again, the raven looked over the crowd, his black eyes settling on the pink-haired girl who, instead of tending the bar, was staring openly at him. His lips lifted in a hint of a smirk as he ground against the floor, the motions flawless and doing a very nice job of enunciating Itachi's impeccable musculature. Now circling around the edge of the stage, he permitted bills to be stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, and Sakura's own hand itched, wanting to join in on the fun.

 _*You cut me off I lost my track It's not my fault I'm a maniac*_

Itachi began to tease the crowd further, slowly easing off his jacket to reveal the pale, slightly scarred skin of his shoulder blades. His muscles rippled with the gesture, and Sakura sighed softly as she got to finally see his biceps. She was being played with just like the other women in the crowd, but knew Itachi was thinking of _her_ and she was thinking of _him_ and for once life was a little bit perfect and something fluttered against her chest, causing her to put a hand over her heart, trying to still its beating.

 _*My heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broken*_

Standing, Itachi swayed his hips and threw back his head, pulling the elastic in his hair loose, which exposed his throat and caused his inky locks to fall down his back. Sakura knew from experience how well kept his hair was, and she yearned to run her hands through the strands, her desire matching that of every women watching the elder Uchiha dancing seductively on the stage.

 _*Do you wanna feel beautiful?*_

Prowling forward, Itachi slid out of his tank top and threw it to the side, making sure to flex the muscles gracing his abdomen. The crowd alternated between screaming and fainting as the skin was exposed. Inner Sakura was doing cartwheels. Real Sakura was trying really hard not to drop the glass she was wiping. Get it together girl! Her heart was racing a mile a minute.

 _*I don't know where you're going but do you got room for one more troubled soul*_

Itachi swiveled his lean hips suggestively, his tight pants riding just low enough to expose the sculpted muscles of his lower abdomen and flawless v-line. His torso, though littered with a few pale scars, was reminiscent of perfection, and the way the raven flexed and moved his abs instantly caused the room to heat up a few degrees, or so it seemed.

 _*This is the road to ruin and we're starting at the end*_

Grabbing the middle pole on the stage, Itachi gyrated against it sensually, his body undulating in sync with the music and his back muscles contracting, causing his shoulder blades to become even more defined, nicely accentuating just how gorgeously muscled his back was.

 _*Say yeah! Let's be alone together!*_

As the music reached its crescendo, he slid across the stage on his knees, bending over to stretch out his torso. All eyes went to the elder Uchiha's sculpted chest and six pack, both of which in a position that showed them off perfectly. Women reached out, trying to caress his exposed skin, but Itachi remained just out of reach, teasing them. From the amount of bills on the stage, it was evident his aloofness would not be affecting his revenue and Sakura smiled. With his eyes closed, Itachi looked nearly at peace, though she knew he was far from that.

 _*Do you wanna feel beautiful?*_

The last notes had faded from the air, and Itachi sat up. His hair was mussed, his muscles ached with his exertions, but he had eyes for only one person, the person with cherry hair that stood behind the bar, the person whose green eyes seemed to glow and whose pretty pink mouth was formed in a perfect, puckered _o_.

XXX

Hinata sighed softly as she lay back on the bed. She and Kisame had been the first to call it quits for the night, and her…well, she didn't know what else to call him but her love…was preoccupied with drying his hair. She liked it damp, liked how the blue locks lay flat and plastered against his skin when they were not fully dry. She gazed up at her lover with half lidded lavender eyes, and he turned to look at her, a faint smile pulling up the corners of his mouth.

"You look good enough to eat, kitten," he purred. "You're making it terribly hard to resist taking a little nibble."

Hinata smiled. He was insatiable. "Are you aware it's two in the morning?"

"Well, we need six hours of sleep to function normally. We don't need to get up and get stuff done til ten, give an hour for getting ready. So, we don't need to go to sleep until three, which gives us…" Here Kisame made a big show of checking the clock. "A whole hour."

He stalked over to her, crawling up on the bed and hovering over her body. She loved and feared the raw power he exuded, but her knowledge that the strength he had would never be directed towards her negatively made her feel relaxed and comfortable, even though he could snap her like a twig. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled him in for a kiss before licking his neck, eliciting a growl.

Things were about to really get started when a knock sounded at the door.

"What the fuck?!" Kisame jumped up to answer it, slipping into a pair of boxers. He was pissed and made it known by opening the door forcefully, ready to kill whoever had disturbed him and his women.

"Did I interrupt something?" Itachi stood in the doorway, trying to peer around Kisame's bulk and look inside the room.

Kisame sighed. Though his partner was a prodigy and a genius, he was god awful obtuse sometimes. He closed the door behind him, crossed his arms, and regarded the Uchiha standing before him, hoping Itachi didn't look down.

"To be honest, yes. What do you want?"

"How do you kiss a girl?"

Kisame nearly collapsed. _So he's finally trying to make a move._ This was certainly unexpected, and although Kisame had christened himself the relationship guru in the Akatsuki, Itachi was beyond his help.

"Just put your lips against hers and go for it. Jesus H. Christ, Itachi. It's not that hard. You've done it with her before."

"That doesn't count. Does it?"

"Yes. Now go."

Itachi disappeared back down the hall, and Kisame face palmed, then exhaled. How on earth was he going to explain Itachi's sudden love interest to Pein? He knew that Itachi tended to be a little possessive, and that little pink haired vixen had clearly enthralled him. He didn't know how, but she had. But, thinking back on all the shit the group had been through, it seemed that when it came to the Akatsuki, everything always seemed to come out in the wash. Things would turn out okay. Opening the bedroom door at last, he was greeted by a very welcome sight.

Hinata, feeling a bit eager, had removed the remainder of her clothes and allowed the sheet to pool around her waist, leaving her glorious curves deliciously exposed. Evidently it was a little nippy out today. Kisame gave her a wicked grin and pounced, holding her down and reacquainting himself with the delights of her body. Hinata smiled and reciprocated his affections, anxious to get to the main event. She truly, truly, cared for this man.

She trusted him. She loved him.

And she should've known she would from the moment she laid eyes on him. Her favorite color had always been blue.

XXX

"Can you stop with that goddamned counting?" TenTen snarled at Kakuzu, who had been religiously sorting the various bills into organized piles, carefully marking down the exact amount of revenue is his ledger. Ordinarily this would have been fine, if it wasn't for his habit of murmuring to himself, or repeating the process multiple times.

The Akatsuki's treasurer looked over at her, a spark of irritation in his luminescent green eyes. "This is my job."

"Can't you do your job when I'm not trying to sleep?" TenTen retorted.

"How much are you willing to pay?" The man replied.

"You fucking miser." She bit back.

Kakuzu merely shrugged in response and resumed his counting. Although irking the fiery brunette was fairly satisfying, he figured making a point of lingering over his money would somehow, in some way, dampen down the growing attraction he had for her. It was fucking irritating. Relationships involved spending money and time and he did not want to deal with the repercussions that came with being in one, not like the ones he had been in lasted long anyway.

 _You're not fucking ugly, Kakuzu. You're fucking scary. That's why you don't get laid._ Hidan's words echoed through his head and he frowned. Scary. Bitter. A winning combination when it came to women. He shook himself mentally. These thoughts were not okay.

"You do a fine job of being considerate." TenTen remarked sarcastically after he had finished counting one stack and moved onto another, starting up that godforsaken murmuring. "Ooh, on another note, you have to spend less then 105 dollars and eleven cents this week on groceries. I dare you to beat that."

Kakuzu couldn't help the smirk that pulled at the corners of his lips. The challenge had been accepted.

XXX

The bathroom door opened to reveal a slightly disheveled Ino, her long platinum hair wringing wet and normally made up face completely natural. She liked to cover her skin. It erased the imperfections.

"About time."

Startled, Ino looked up to find Sasori standing off to the side, leaning against the wall casually, arms crossed. He smirked as she started.

"Bastard," she snarled "You just love this little role reversal, don't you?"

Sasori inclined his head. "I just wanted to apologize for our unfortunate encounter earlier this night."

Ino gave him a long, flat look. "If you apologize one more time, I'll beat you." Walking over the bed, she lay down on it gingerly, moving her damp hair to the side so it wouldn't get the middle of the bed wet. She turned on her side to gaze at him. "Well? What are you waiting for?"

Sasori frowned. "Waiting for what?"

"I'm tired and want to sleep. Get in the damn bed."

"I can sleep on the air mattress."

Ino smiled at him sweetly. "Not with your back, honey. Now come over here." She beckoned him forward with her finger, and Sasori at last acquiesced, climbing carefully onto the mattress beside her.

"Just so you're aware, neither 'honey' nor 'ginger' are acceptable nicknames." He could feel the bed tremble as she laughed, and decided he liked having her next to him. But he was sleeping with her only for medical purposes, because he was injured and his back hurt.

Just before drifting off, Sasori realized that he was kind of lying to himself.

XXX

 _I love showers._ Sakura, now clean and content, sauntered into her room, ready for a nice long sleep. She was greeted by a shirtless Uchiha, whose arms were crossed over his bare, chiseled chest.

"You're up to something, Uchiha. And I don't like it." Sakura warned, wagging her finger at him.

Itachi looked affronted. "Who says I'm up to anything?"

"You're not wearing a shirt."

He raised an eyebrow. "I find the temperature in this room to be a tad warm. Are you implying something?"

"Oh. No." _He really doesn't get it, does he?_ Sakura walked over to her bed and flopped onto it, stomach first. She groaned. Man, was she sore.

"Are you in pain?" Itachi asked, seeming mildly concerned. Sakura suppressed the urge to giggle. He sounded so cute!

"No," came the muffled reply. "Just sore." There was pressure on the mattress beside her, and a pair of hands began kneading her shoulders. Sakura sighed. This was heaven.

"You're tense." Itachi stated, then leaned over and murmured in her ear. "I know a way to make you relax."

Sakura's heart slammed against her chest. "Oh," she replied, slightly shocked. "And how would you do this?"

"I could get a warm compress. They're quite nice."

"Uh, no. I'm good. But thanks." She flipped over and then sat up, her face so close to his she could feel his breath. Itachi seemed to muster his courage and leaned forward, so that their lips were almost touching. She saw his eyes dart down towards her mouth, and back up again. Several moments passed.

"Can…Can I?" Itachi whispered after a few heartbeats.

Sakura inclined her head slightly, indicating her consent.

"I don't know what I'm doing…"

"Just shut up and kiss me." Sakura growled, and finally he closed the distance.

He was clumsy and uncoordinated, but still, somehow, perfect. He claimed her mouth, moving against her in a way that was desperate and passionate and so, so, right. She sighed against his lips, guiding him, doing her best to match his increasingly harried pace; she wanted this to last, and they were running downhill at a breakneck speed, locked in this sensual, erotic, tantalizing race of lips and tongue.

He traced the contours of her waist and hips with his free hand, taking his time acquainting himself with the unfamiliar territory and Sakura responded eagerly, bringing her hands up to gently caress his shoulders and chest. Giving his bottom lip a teasing lick, she smiled against his lips when he gasped, allowing her access to his mouth. Gently, lightly, she slipped her tongue in to intertwine with his, and they softly, leisurely explored each other. She was careful and slow, giving him time to adjust to the new technique, and to her delight Itachi caught on quickly, taking back over the searing kiss, grabbing her hair and tilting her head back to seize control.

It ended too soon. The desire for air had at last overcome the desire for intimacy, and they broke apart, gasping. Sakura's face was flushed, her lips swollen and shiny. From _him._ Itachi's mouth curved upwards and he leaned in for another go, caressing her mouth and taking what he wished. It was when her hands began to wander south that his confidence broke.

"We…we should probably stop."

She looked at him, perplexed, but then understood. Blinking slowly at him, she pecked him on the lips and smiled.

"Itachi…"

"Hn?"

"Don't you dare leave me to sleep alone."

In response he enfolded her in his arms, drawing the slender pinkette into his chest, silently wishing that time could still, and morning would never come.

Outside their door, a shadow moved in the gloom of the hallway, issuing no noise but the faint rustle of fabric. He had been watching them. Watching _her._ The way she responded so eagerly to that damned Itachi, the way her hands wandered over bare skin, the way her perfect lips parted, and he wanted that. He wanted her. And he tended to get his way.

XXX

 **ZZZZZZZZ. ZZZZZZZZ. ZZZZZZZ.**

"Hell." Ino groaned, trying to squirm free of Sasori's tight embrace. Her phone was buzzing loudly, insisting that she answer its annoying call. Sasori mumbled grumpily and gripped her waist even more strongly, but the blonde at last managed to wiggle out enough to snatch her cell. "Hello?"

 _"It's Neji."_

Ino felt her irritation level rise rapidly. What did TenTen's ex want this early in the morning? "What on earth do you want this fucking early in the fucking morning?" she snapped.

 _"Will she be performing tonight?"_

"Well, yeah. Don't tell me you're having second thoughts. And speaking of second thoughts, how did you get this number?"

A dark chuckle sounded over the line, then a click as the call ended.

"This doesn't bode well." Ino muttered, snuggling in next to Sasori once more. It was probably a bad idea to get attached to a gang member, but he was warm and sweet and oddly sensitive, and God did she love his dreamy hazel eyes.

"Shush, brat…" said redhead grumbled, stumbling his way out of sleep. His eyes opened and Sasori noticed just how warm and soft and close Ino was. He released her and rolled over. Damn his body for acting without his express permission!

Ino snarled, irked that he was being so obstinate. Seriously, anyone could tell he was attracted to her. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"Giving you space."

"What if I don't want any?"

Sasori turned over to look at her closely, raising an eyebrow. He seemed surprised. "Oh?"

"Yeah. I'm cold, and if you don't help me out I'll tell Pein you were being difficult."

Sasori complied swiftly, once again drawing his blonde companion close. Who was he to argue?

 **That afternoon:**

TenTen couldn't help the smirk appearing on her face as she read the receipt Kakuzu had grudgingly handed her. "You spent $108 and thirty seven cents." Kakuzu scowled, and she laughed openly. She was so going to frame this little slip of paper. "That means I won."

His frown deepened. He must be losing his touch. Hand twitching, Kakuzu reached towards his wallet, ready to pay up; he may have been a penny pinching miser but he was a fair penny pinching miser. In other words, Kakuzu paid his debts.

"Silly, you don't have to pay me. Knowing you, that would be a little too harsh, huh?"

He nearly sighed in relief, but was still on edge. The brunette was enjoying this little incident way too much. "Then what do you want?"

"This!" TenTen jumped up, grabbed his shoulders, and gave him a quick peck on the lips. Kakuzu nearly dropped his wallet and tried to grab her arm, but the girl was too fast and ran downstairs.

"Did I just see what I fucking thought I just saw?" Hidan stood in the kitchen hall, mouth hanging open. "Man, if you do not seize the day and get of piece of that ass I swear to Jashin I'll-"

Kakuzu had had enough. "Shut up, Hidan. Just shut up."

"Aw, go suck a dick, Kakuzu."

The tattooed man turned, ready to kill. Making a wise decision for once, Hidan barricaded himself in the bathroom. It was time to do his hair anyway.

XXX

"I wanna lock you up in my closet when no one's around, I wanna put your hand in my pocket, because you're allowed…" Sakura sang as she started her daily run. She had woken up from a blissful sleep, curled next to a certain Uchiha. But, there was a performance tonight and she could not afford to linger, as tempting as it might be. Of course, she had shared a swift good morning kiss with Itachi and couldn't help the giddy smile that showed on her face. He was just so…perfect. And so nice, even if he was more than a little awkward. She giggled to herself and upped the speed on the treadmill. It was a good day.

"Sakura, love." A deep voice prompted her to pull the headphones from her ears and she scanned the room to see Tobi leaning against the wall, dressed in lose basketball shorts and a very form fitting gray tank.

 **Oh. Hello there, sexy.** Inner purred.

"What's up?" were the words that actually came out of her mouth, thank god.

The tall man uncrossed his arms and sauntered over to her, leaning on the treadmill. Though an orange masked covered his face, she could feel his arrogant smirk. "I've been eagerly awaiting our next rendezvous, Sakura. It's quite hard to resist your charm."

"Um. Ok," she stammered out, stopping the treadmill. "But you'd better uh…show me some good stuff or else."

"I plan to." The masked man murmured. "Tell me, Sakura…Do you ever spar?"

Sakura grinned. "Actually, Tobi, I'm quite proficient in martial arts." She could envision him raising an eyebrow. "You'll be quite surprised, I think."

Working together, they pulled several mats out, giving themselves an arena about six feet in diameter. Sakura smiled up at the much taller man as they settled into fighting stances, sure she was about to surprise him; for such a petite woman she was very strong, and stripping had made her both quick and flexible.

She wasn't sure who initiated, wasn't sure who struck the first blow. It could've been her, it could've been him, but more likely than not it was two similar minds with a similar goal that began the match. Sakura would never have agreed normally, scared she would hurt those around her, but something about this man's overwhelming presence demanded that she rise to the challenge.

Fighting him was like fighting a hurricane. She was quick, he was just a hair quicker, and she found herself enjoying the sensation of being outclassed immensely, getting lost in the dance, lost in the way their bodies struck, coiled and struck again, and she relished the pulled back blows they managed to land on each other. At last she was bested, his hand gently holding her down against the mat, his face so close to hers she should have been able to feel his breath.

It happened suddenly, so suddenly it was a jolt to her senses. One minute she was flat on her back and the next his hand was over her eyes and his mask was off and she was being kissed, hard. Whoever Tobi was, whatever man lurked behind that mask was passionate and fierce and hungry. He plundered her mouth in a clash of lips and teeth, and Sakura whined softly, allowing him to have his way. _He feels like Sasuke_ she thought, trying to keep up. By far, this was the most intense experience of her life, but not necessarily the most enjoyable. Itachi was sweet and soft, and Tobi was rough and passionate…it was like comparing sherry and scotch, completely different but equally enjoyable.

Their brief meeting ended abruptly, and soon his hand was removed from her eyes and the mask was back in place. Sakura could only lay there, shocked, sweaty, and gasping for air.

"Wow." she managed to squeak, and a low chuckle was the response.

"You would do well to remember me." The man above her rumbled.

Sakura laughed. "That's not something I'll forget anytime soon. But…"

He interrupted her. "You're soft on Itachi. I can assure you that I am a better choice. Mention this to no one. Until next time, my blossom."

Sakura was unable to get her bearings for some time. Eventually she sat up, shook herself, and realized that whoever Tobi really was, that person was kind of an ass.

"You bastard!" She growled under her breath. "Now I have to put the mats back by myself!"

 **That night:**

"There's a place downtown where the freaks all come around it's a hole in the wall it's a dirty free for all…" Ino mouthed the lyrics to Kesha as she applied her makeup, readying herself for the rowdy Saturday night crowd. The phone call with Neji had left her a bit uneasy, but the blonde decided against telling TenTen about the incident; she hadn't dealt too well with the breakup and Ino was reluctant to open up old wounds…Anyway, it seemed TenTen had found a little sparky something with a certain member of the Akatsuki. She wanted to laugh a little at the chemistry between them: A feminist like TenTen being attracted to the Akatsuki's tattooed treasurer? Ridiculous. Although Kakuzu wasn't really her type, the man did have a sort of badass attitude that would appeal to a little rebel like TenTen, and he certainly wasn't ugly. Scary as fuck to be sure, but ugly? Nah.

"Hey pig, toss me the hair spray." Sakura said, smiling from ear to ear. Ino intuitively knew there was something going on in the pinkette's head, and she was determined to find out what it was. Since last night her cherry haired friend had been grinning like a fool…and Itachi had been walking around with a very satisfied expression. It was only a matter of time before she found them making out in the kitchen like horny teenagers.

"Sure thing, forehead." Ino passed her the can and resumed doing up her eyelids.

"Hey bitches, five fucking minutes!" Hidan yelled down at them. Ino rolled her eyes. God, he and Temari would make quite a pair, Hidan being a loudmouthed jerk and Temari a boss ass bitch. She vaguely wondered if they had gone out on a date yet.

"Tobi was told the pretty girls need to go on stage now! Tobi came to get them!" The masked man bounced down the steps. Out of the corner of her eye, Ino saw Sakura openly staring at the Akatsuki's clown, seeming to lock eyes with him through the mask. It was a strange look, but she didn't have time to grill the pinkette. There was work to be done, clothes to be taken off, and money to be made.

 **Author's Note: Okay, I've got a couple things: 1. I know some of you a probably like "Sasori is so OOC!" But the way I see it is, he strove to be emotionally void by turning himself into a puppet, claimed he had no feelings, and ultimately committed suicide. I truly believe he has some deep emotional issues, but that is just my opinion and how I choose to portray him. 2. I would really appreciate some more reviews! I don't necessarily write just to get them, but I do love them. I want your feedback! Anyway, hope you all are enjoying "It's Because We're Desperate."**


	9. In Which Shots Are Fired

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is for entertainment only.**

It was in the middle of her third song that TenTen noticed him. Those wide, pale eyes. That long, dark hair. That unforgettable face.

Neji.

A curious ache rose in her chest, but the brunette managed to school her face into an expression of neutrality. She could not show she was affected, not while on stage. Closing her eyes, TenTen found herself reliving the circumstances of their parting, trying and failing to lose herself in the primal beat echoing throughout the club.

 **About five months prior:**

"You seem to be under some sort of impression your father cares about you, Hinata. No backbone, no drive to succeed. Frankly, you'd be hopeless at trying to run the Hyuga enterprise. It's probably best you were disowned."

TenTen gaped at his insensitive statement. "Neji…you can't mean that-"

"Oh, but I do." He interrupted smoothly, lip curled back into a nasty sneer. "Some people are destined for greatness. Others are destined to do…" he waved his hand, indicating the interior of the club "…this sort of nonsense."

"N-N-Neji…I-I I…" Hinata stuttered, wide lavender eyes swimming with tears.

Neji snorted at the girl's weak attempts at rebuttal. "It's the way things are supposed to be, Hinata. Don't bother trying to change your destiny as a failure."

"Hey, Neji, don't-"

"You can't possibly be trying defend her, TenTen. I suppose you must feel some sort of kinship, working here and all, but really. Now let's go."

TenTen gave Hinata a defeated look and followed Neji out the door. An accepted genius must be right, right? She had known him for years and she couldn't think of a time he had made a mistake.

Later that night, or rather very early the next day, they lay together, both sweaty and spent from their intimate rendezvous. TenTen exhaled a contented sigh. Although Neji wasn't terribly considerate in bed, she enjoyed this closeness, the warmth of his body seeping into hers; smiling, she cuddled closer against his chest.

"Alright, you'd better get up and get out of here."

"What?" TenTen was sure she had misheard him.

"Get going. I've got an interview with Hiashi tomorrow for a position and I don't sleep well when you're here."

"It…it's 2:30 in the morning!"

"So? You don't have anything going on tomorrow. Try not to let the door hit you on your way out."

"I don't have a ride home!"

"And you're house is less than a mile away. Now stop arguing and get going."

TenTen, though she wasn't all that eager to quarrel with Neji, felt extremely unsafe walking home so late at night, and told him so. Neji just regarded her apathetically.

"What part of 'I'm sending you on your way' don't you understand? I need my sleep."

Holding back frustrated tears, TenTen gathered her things and pulled on her clothes. Giving the man reclining on his bed a sad look, she pulled opened the door.

"There also won't be a need to come back after this."

TenTen felt her knees start to give out from shock. Holding onto the doorknob for support, she clenched her teeth and at last managed to spit a reply out. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying we're through. You can't serious expect me to be with someone who is destined to be a cheap harlot? It's laughable, not to mention you've been extremely selfish in this relationship, expecting me to let you spend the night and all. Now get out."

And that was it. Cold, alone, and full of grief, TenTen stumbled her way through the large house. Too numb and shocked to think clearly, she walked blindly out onto the dark streets, somehow managing to make her way home.

 **Present time:**

Routine over, TenTen was able to get down off the stage and make it to the dressing room without any mishaps, though her mind was racing erratically, alight with nerves and anger. Caught in a daze, she opened her locker and began to haphazardly run a brush through her tangled hair, then furiously wiped at her face with makeup remover in preparation for her later, non-sexual role when the boys took their shift. Plus, she was fairly certain Neji would try to talk to her and she was not going to look like a 'harlot' during a confrontation with him. _That_ _fucking_ _asshole!_ she thought angrily. _How_ _dare he_ _just waltz_ _right back_ _into my life_ _after discarding me like that?_ _That arrogant shit._ _I'm gonna give him a pice of my fucking mind if he even dares to look at me!_

TenTen was, as a rule, a fairly forgiving person. She didn't get angry when Neji had repeatedly blamed her for getting him sick, even though it was physically impossible to give someone an illness she had never had. She had graciously looked the other way when he told her the gifts she got him were useless, but was beyond her how Neji could have found the Swiss Army knife she got him for Christmas unusable. She never nagged him when he canceled plans or didn't contact her for days on end, because, at the time, she had been in love with him. When he was sweet it was the most wonderful thing in the world; however, those blissful moments were few and far between, and the brunette had long realized that she had not been treated like a treasured girlfriend should be. Having been forced to leave during the night had been the final straw, and she liked to think she would have been strong enough to break up with Neji after that incident even if he hadn't gotten to it first.

A piece of her was still sore over the 'being kicked out at 2:30 in the morning' thing to be sure, but a large part of that hurt was replaced by anger now that he had intruded in on her life again. She was over him enough so that she could contemplate moving on…albeit with a very unlikely, fairly scary, but really attractive member of the Akatsuki. Smiling to herself at the look on Kakuzu's face when she had kissed (or rather pecked) him, TenTen had a strong premonition that they would have a very interesting conversation tonight once they were alone in her bedroom.

"You haven't changed."

TenTen spun around, instantly recognizing the smooth, insufferable voice of her former lover. _And you still sound like a narcissistic asshole!_ were the words dancing on her tongue.

"What do you want, Neji?" she growled, trying to keep her temper in check.

Said man raised his waxed eyebrows nonchalantly. "I want you back, of course."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'd date a dead fish over you."

"We had fun together…" Neji tried to interject, but TenTen cut him off.

"Yeah, if walking home at three in the morning is fun, then sure. I had fun," she said sarcastically.

"But-"

"No. I'm not going through what you made me deal with again. Please leave before I'm forced to introduce you to my dagger collection."

Neji scowled. "You're destined to be with me."

"Will you just shut the fuck up about destiny already? We write our own lives, Neji. And I'm writing you out of mine."

"No, you're not!" Neji stalked closer to her, pale eyes creased in fury. TenTen would have laughed at the way the veins around his eyes were standing out, but she happened to be in a tight spot…as in backed into a corner. Her logical side won out against the idea of using physical force, for Neji was much stronger than her.

 _What the hell is up with crazy exes lately? First Sasuke, now Neji. It would be nice if a total hottie could come and kick some ass right now..._

As if on cue, a familiar voice sounded from the base of the stairs.

"Do I need to intervene?"

Kakuzu stood silhouetted against the stairs, corded arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face. The man may have been dressed in naught but blue briefs, but he was still fucking terrifying, if Neji's muffled exclamation of surprise, and perhaps trepidation, was anything to go by. To be honest, TenTen would have been scared herself if she had not been absolutely sure the tattooed Akatsuki member was on her side.

"I asked you a question, punk." Kakuzu snarled. The little shit had his woman cornered, and he was about two seconds away from losing it completely. Wait…did he just seriously call TenTen his woman? Kakuzu was about to have a long argument with himself about why having these sorts of affections was completely unacceptable, but Neji's fist flying towards his face brought him back to focus on more pressing concerns.

TenTen knew Neji was good in a fight, but Kakuzu was something else entirely. Even though he took the brunt of Neji's blow, Kakuzu managed to grab Neji's wrist and knock the Hyuga off balance, giving him a sharp rap in the ribs. The hit was not, unfortunately, enough to halt Neji, and his adversary whirled, retaliating with a swift uppercut that Kakuzu easily avoided. Concentrating fiercely, Kakuzu analyzed his foe's movements, trying to think of a way to disable without permanently maiming him…because the pretty boy would undoubtedly sue if that happened, and Kakuzu was not in a position to either kidnap or pay for a lawyer.

It was while in the process of dodging another strike that Kakuzu saw the gun. He vaguely wondered what on earth anyone would want with the stupid thing, but the contraption would allow him to subdue the Hyuga with little effort. There might be a bit of a mess to clean up, but that was the price of completely avoiding a lawsuit. Kakuzu, managing to unbalance Neji with a well-placed kick, grabbed the gun, aimed, and fired.

"What the-urp!" Neji's exclamation was cut off as his face was enveloped in a cocoon of silly string.

"Fuck yeah!" TenTen cheered as her ex lover's face was plastered with the sticky stuff. _I would kill to get a picture of this._

Blinded, it was a simple matter for Kakuzu to pin the man's arms and push him up against a wall, effectively removing the threat to his roommate. The commotion, in the meantime, had attracted the attention of Ino, who had just gotten off stage, and soon Kisame appeared alongside her, having stolen a few moments with Hinata before the dark haired girl was scheduled to perform.

"Man, you used my silly string!" Kisame griped.

"It was fair use…No, I am not paying you back!" Kakuzu said as Kisame opened his mouth to argue. "I just got punched in the fucking face…I better get compensation for this."

Neji, rendered incapable of speech by the silly string plugging his mouth, made a muffled sound. It sounded like a whimper.

"I'll deal with it." Kisame grinned, chuckling at the sight. "Anything you want me to do in particular, TenTen?" he asked.

Exhausted, TenTen sagged against the wall. Now that the adrenaline had faded from her veins, all that remained was a nagging sort of weariness. But the brunette, far from being mollified by Neji's embarrassing predicament, planned on giving him a piece of her mind. Marching over, she roughly scooped the sticky stuff out of Neji's eyes and glared at him so fiercely her gaze would have set driftwood on fire. Even Kakuzu was a bit perturbed, and he was the most unshakable fellow in the gang. Except for Pein. That man had the emotional range of an ice cube.

"Listen, you asshole. We are over. If I ever see your face again, if you ever talk to me again, or come here, or bother Hinata, I swear to God I will fucking kill you. Got it?"

Neji merely nodded, and Kisame took over, shoving him up the stairs without any sort of gentleness. Hinata had told him about her cousin, and the blue-skinned man was tempted to rough the Hyuga up a bit more, just to be sure he wouldn't come sniffing around once again.

However, he derived more than enough satisfaction from pitching Neji out onto the damp grass and watching the gate hit him on the ass as he was exiting the premises.

XXX

Kakuzu wasn't sure exactly what had made him decide to confront the Hyuga. In fact, the treasurer was about to go fetch Hidan or Deidara and have them deal with TenTen's girly ass ex, but found he just couldn't leave her there to fend for herself, especially against someone who prattled on and on about fucking destiny or whatever…that guy had to have a screw lose somewhere. Anyway, there was a good chance the guy might cause damage to some property, and that would have required money to make repairs. Or so Kakuzu tried to justify his immediate intervention.

"Thank you, Kakuzu. Really." TenTen's murmured remark made him look up at her. "Let me get you some ice for your eye."

"It's fine."

"No, it's not." TenTen snapped. "I'm getting you some damned ice, like it or not." Then her voice softened. "I'm more or less done for the night, so why don't you go up to our room? I'll give you my tips for tonight to make up the lost revenue, if it makes you feel better."

Kakuzu was up the stairs in two heartbeats. _Damn that woman for knowing my weakness._

XXX

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Ino asked a seemingly relaxed Sasori.

The redhead turned to face her, hazel eyes slightly narrowed in annoyance. "Of course."

"But your back-"

"No longer resembles an eggplant, or pains me in any way." Sasori interrupted. "Sakura smoothed out any remaining discoloration with concealer…or at least I think that's what it's called."

"Yeah, that's what it's called…"

The time had come once again for the Akatsuki to don their stripper personas, and Sasori had insisted on being the opening act tonight, though his resolve had led to some nasty bickering between Ino and Sakura as to whether or not he was fit to perform. Sakura, with her medical background, had prevailed in the argument, pointing out the the bruising was down to no more than discoloration and moving caused no discomfort. Of course the pinkette had dictated he was not to put any unnecessary strain on his back (or to put in medical terms "Don't fuck up") but the warning was unneeded. Unlike Hidan, Sasori was not about to attempt any crazy maneuvers with household appliances, vacuum cleaners or otherwise. Rolling his shoulders and stretching a bit, he mentally prepared for Temari's announcement, somewhat excited and somewhat nervous…He did have a loudmouthed blonde brat to show up, after all.

 **"Welcome, welcome to Yamanaka's De-Flowering Shop! I'm excited to announce we have two wonderful acts for you gals tonight, and of course the rest of our delicious dancers will be offering…well, you'll just have to find out! Now, it is my privilege to introduce our first act for the night…Sasori!"**

As the light snapped on to reveal the redhead, Ino had to admit she had done a fantastic job of selecting his clothes for the night. Sasori was dressed in tight black jeans, a loose white shirt, and an adorable gray beanie. Seriously, she just wanted to take him home and cuddle him…surely she could convince him to snuggle some tonight? Sasori had seemed to enjoy it, after he realized she wasn't going to bite him.

 _*Come my lady Come come my lady you're my butterfly Sugar baby*_

Sasori swaggered out onto the catwalk, swiveling his hips and smirking at the awestruck audience. He twerked once, twice, and made a 'come hither' motion at the women closest to the stage, gazing over the crowd with those dreamy hazel eyes, a look of sophistication and seduction captured perfectly on his face. His red hair was adorably tousled, and it was easy to see the lean definition of his frame. Although Sasori was the most lithe out of the Akatsuki members, that did not affect his sex appeal in any way. He was, in Ino's professional opinion, a fine piece of ass.

 _*Such a sexy, sexy pretty little thing*_

Rocking his hips in time to the beat, Sasori tilted his head back to show off his refined features. It appeared the redhead was a very popular commodity, for his more boyish characteristics did not so much scream "sexy," but rather portrayed him as a good-looking, relatively normal guy that just wanted a sweet girl to have a good time with. Of course, from the way he was shaking his ass, Sasori was still very capable of being seductive, and Ino frowned. She had come to consider Sasori as her sexy little secret, and now he was up on stage for all the world to see, causing the blonde to realize she would have preferred to keep him to herself.

 _*Butterflies in her eyes and looks to kill*_

Executing a seamless body roll, Sasori caressed himself through his shirt, drawing more attention to his toned musculature, especially in the southern direction. The redhead proceeded to suggestively jerk his hips, making a game of showing off each particular muscle group. Currently, that muscle group happened to be his abdominals, and the ladies down below certainly seemed to appreciate the glimpses of skin. A veritable mound to bills was currently littering the stage, and the cheers were positively deafening.

 _*Cause I can't sleep, I can't hold still*_

Pulling a grinning blonde from the crowd, Sasori held her hips and ground against her, allowing the female to do a little groping herself. Ino found herself inexplicably and utterly jealous. Was a little ass groping too much to ask? She was feeding them after all…no, Sasori would run for the hills if she suggested he let her fondle him, but the thought was entertaining.

* _Come my lady Come come my lady you're my butterfly Sugar baby*_

Successfully pulling off a controlled fall, Sasori elegantly descended to the stage, enacting some extremely explicit activities against the catwalk. Several women reached out to touch him, and he permitted this, for the reaching women also stuffed cash into his jeans. Deciding it was time to reward the ladies, Sasori stood and theatrically removed his shirt, allowing his beanie to fall to the stage along with the garment. The exposure of his pecs and abs was greeted by screams, and Sasori couldn't help but smirk at the hapless females literally falling at his feet.

 _*I don't deserve you unless it's some kind of hidden message*_

Rotating his hips sensually, Sasori even went so far as to grope himself, giving a naughty smile directed at the crowd. _A hidden message indeed_. Ino thought, her curiosity piqued. His torso was certainly delectable, and she had a very strong feeling the tastiness would apply to his other areas as well…Damn, she was being really unprofessional today. The blonde decided to blame Kisame and Hinata, for she had accidentally come across the two stealing some private time before Hinata's solo and the image was very, well, memorable, to say the least.

 _*Knew a better life existed but thought that I missed it*_

Trying a different tactic, Sasori copied his peers and made his way over the the poles, gripping one securely and pivoting neatly, flexing his abdomen and drawing attention to his high, tight ass. While not as outrightly muscular as Kisame or Hidan, Sasori still was a prime specimen of a man, and possessed the most lovely pair of shoulders Ino had ever laid eyes on.

 _*Come my lady you're my pretty baby I'll make your legs shake you make me go crazy*_

As the last notes of the song were reached, Sasori made one last descent to the stage, twerking his hips flawlessly. Several ladies swooned. A few more drooled. All were completely captivated, including Ino. It was probably time she clarify what sort of thing they had between them, or she was going to go crazy…well, crazier than she already was, Ino decided, smiling ruefully to herself. Now she kind of understood why Sakura was so hung up on Itachi, and why Hinata had clearly fallen in love with Kisame. The Akatsuki members were surprisingly endearing. Well, most of them, anyway. Ino thought, spotting Tobi lurking in the corner. He appeared to be playing with a matchbox car…or was it an actual matchbox? She resolved to go over and check, just to be sure, and in the process missed Sasori's deep hazel eyes following her movement across the room.

XXX

"Five…Ten…Fifteen…"

"For god's sake, will you stop with the counting!?" TenTen said, exasperated. "This is the sixth time you've counted my tips, and the value hasn't changed! Get that ice back on your eye, too."

Kakuzu gave the brunette a royal stink-eye and proceeded to ignore her.

"Could we at least talk?" There was silence. Evidently not. "Fine then. I'll just annoy you with my obnoxious prattling, because I'm obviously not going to get you to tell me why you intervened and kicked my exe's ass with silly string, which was pretty cool by the way, and-"

"Please stop talking. You're starting to remind of Hidan." Kakuzu grunted, putting the money down and replacing the ice pack on his face. "And it's giving me a headache."

TenTen laughed. "Well, let me make it up to you…lay on your stomach."

Kakuzu glanced at her warily but complied, arranging himself comfortably on TenTen's bed. It was a far more comfy resting place then the air mattress, and he was beginning to think Sasori and Itachi had the right idea, sleeping with their roommates…in a non-sexual way. _Yet_. Kakuzu snorted. Put a gang decidedly lacking in available females under the roof with some hot strippers, and- oh my god, what was she _doing_?

TenTen had straddled his hips and was in the process of massaging his shoulders and upper back. A groan rose in his throat as his discomfort was replaced by pleasure. Damn, she was good with her hands. He moaned again as she worked loose a particularly foul knot located under his left shoulder. No one had ever done this for him before, and Kakuzu realized he had been missing out. The gentle massage lasted for about twenty minutes, the only noise was the occasional sigh of satisfaction asTenTen managed to work loose each twist in the muscles, and eventually the tattooed man shoved the ice pack away, finding that he could barely feel the bruise on his face anymore.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that felt pretty good…You're awfully tense." TenTen joked, continuing to knead the tightness out of his body. "I really do appreciate your intervention, you know. Sometimes I think Neji could have turned out a different person, if he had met the right people, but…Well, it's no use thinking about it now. I'm very over him, and it's time for me to have a little fun again."

Kakuzu mumbled an incoherent reply, body gradually melting into the mattress as TenTen's gentle ministrations continued. He was willing to put up with her babbling in exchange for this rare experience.

"You know, I think you'd be a hella lot more popular if you talked every so often," the brunette continued. "Why are you always so grumpy?" She received no response. "Okay, I'll just think of some random story behind your chronic bad attitude. I bet you got into a fight with a banana, and the banana bested you and then everyone was like "We can't be friends with someone who can't beat produce" and then you were very sad and spent all your time collecting pennies…"

"Something like that." Kakuzu muttered, interrupting her. TenTen was rendered speechless, and suddenly felt like a really big jerk.

"I'm sorry. Do wanna talk about it?"

"Not particularly."

"What if I told you I really wanted to listen? It would be cathartic." TenTen replied.

Kakuzu sighed. He was too tired to argue with her over this, and it was a pretty short story. "I used to be in the Falls gang. I was given an assignment to assassinate your previous governor. I failed. And my supposed "family" didn't take it well."

"Well, if I was lucky enough to have you, I'd never leave your side no matter what." TenTen told him fiercely.

Kakuzu was so shocked, he flipped over so he could look his roommate in the eyes. "You don't mean that." The movement happened so fast TenTen didn't budge, not realizing she was currently nestled in her crush's lap.

"I do. Loyalty is my most valued characteristic, and I do my utmost to exhibit it myself," she said proudly.

"Then stay away from me," he growled. "I'm bad news."

"Nah. I can't expect you to stay with a group that treats you badly and you must be loyal to the Akatsuki, because goodness knows your partner is a piece of work."

"He is a legitimate, certifiable idiot." Kakuzu agreed, cracking a smile against his will. Then he noticed how they were arranged. TenTen was on his lap, and he bit his tongue when she gave an inviting little wriggle. He looked at her face and she raised her eyebrows smiling. She moved again. Still he did nothing.

"You are seriously the thickest guy I have ever met!" TenTen said at last, exasperated. "What on earth do I have to do?"

Kakuzu remained silent, trying to concentrate on not letting his body show how much it approved of her position on top of him.

"Oh Jesus Christ." The brunette sighed. "You're goddamned obtuse." She took his hand and moved it to just underneath her breast.

"What do you want, exactly?" He's so cute when he sounds confused.

TenTen responded by bending down and planting a fierce kiss on his lips. "I can name the coffee prices from all the restaurants in town, Kakuzu." She kissed him again. "Starbucks, $2.95." Another passionate kiss. "McDonald's, $1.49…"

She bent to kiss him again, and this time he had the wherewithal to respond. It was fierce and fiery, her lips colliding with his and him taking control, dominating her, taking as he wished. Her mouth tasted like cinnamon. Intoxicating.

He exhaled against her neck. It had been so long since he'd been with a woman, for he could feel the pent up wanting that had been plaguing him for weeks now. There had been some signs, some glances, some flirting, that quick peck in the kitchen…but did she really know what she wanted? Didn't she know who he was?

"Am I what you want?" he ground out. She would say no…please, let her say no. Let her give him a reason to disregard these feelings forever.

"Abso-fucking-lutely." TenTen growled. His heart lurched, and he didn't know whether or not it was from fear or happiness. "It's time to live in the moment, Kakuzu. Life is fleeting, and I'd rather regret having done than having not done."

And in this moment, of all people, Kakuzu found himself thinking of Kisame. The large man had had a hard time in the Mist gang, but he hadn't let that stop him from pursuing Hinata. The couple was unlikely, but they were happy. Kakuzu knew he wasn't a happy person. He was bitter and pissed off 90% of the time (70% if that anger was probably directed at his idiot partner, but still). The feel of TenTen's warm skin though, the touch her soft mouth, her fingers dancing down his spine, she touched him as if he mattered. As if she felt something…it couldn't be real, it couldn't be sincere, and he wasn't supposed to, but fuck it, he felt something back.

He made a decision. Smiling to himself, Kakuzu moved to recapture her soft lips, lips that tasted of cinnamon.

Intoxicating.

XXX

Sakura whistled merrily to herself, ecstatic that TenTen had finally seized the moment and snuck off for some private time with Kakuzu. She wondered why the two had suddenly brushed past her and hurried up the stairs, but Ino had only been too delighted to fill her in on the details. The blonde hadn't changed too much since middle school, at least when it came to gossiping, but the four strippers were sisters in all but blood, so TenTen wouldn't be that upset the pinkette knew what was going on behind closed doors.

"You look exquisite tonight."

She whirled around, started, and came face to face with a bare chested Itachi. "Don't do that! You startled me!" Sakura playfully growled.

"Is it so wrong to wish to compliment someone?" Itachi said, sounding concerned.

"No, no! I was just teasing you, promise. It was a very nice thing to say." Sakura replied. _I'm gonna have to teach him about jokes and sarcasm, one of these days, I swear._ The pinkette closed the gap between them and gave Itachi a quick hug, deciding to make it brief, but Itachi held her to him, bending down to give her a feathery kiss.

"Kisame will be performing soon," he stated after a minute of gently holding her. "I think he would be most appreciative if we were to support him."

Sakura laughed at his choice of words. "You're such a charmer, Itachi. Of course we should go watch Kisame. How'd you guys meet, anyway?"

"We were partnered together by Pein, but now I would count him as a friend. Granted, our first conversation was about shark babies eating each other, yet now he is a valued member of the Akatsuki." Itachi explained, then looked thoughtful. "I would love to take you to the aquarium sometime, if you haven't been. There are sharks there. They would like Kisame."

"How…interesting." Sakura squeaked out, wondering if Itachi ever listened to himself talk out loud once in a while.

The Uchiha prodigy smiled to himself. A magazine had explained the importance of compliments and sharing in order to strengthen relationships, and now Itachi was seriously considering taking out a yearly subscription. Cosmopolitan clearly knew its stuff. He was about to pull Sakura in for another kiss when someone fell down the stairs and knocked the two apart.

"Oh, so sorry, Itachi sir! Tobi was not looking where he was going! But he is a good boy!"

"Um, it's okay, Tobi!" Sakura said with forced cheeriness. "We're just going to watch Kisame!"

"Yay! The pretty girl can sit with Tobi!" The masked man grabbed her hand and pulled her upstairs, and Sakura shot an apologetic smile at Itachi before she was whisked away.

XXX

"Hey, bitch."

Temari sighed. "What do you want, Hidan?"

"I wanted to let you know that tomorrow is Sunday." The silver haired man smirked.

"And I could have guessed that from looking at any calendar." Temari deadpanned.

"No, that's not what I'm getting at, you stupid bitch! Tomorrow is the Sunday I get to take you out on a date. Club's closed and you're not busy."

"How do you know?" Temari said hotly.

"I checked your phone. Here, catch!" Hidan tossed the device at her and she caught it smartly, pissed that he had dared to pickpocket her.

"How dare you pickpocket me!"

"Come on, don't be like that…we'll have fun, seriously. We'll go see a movie. Hope you like really fucking scary ones, because we're seeing The Conjuring."

Temari laughed aloud, shocking Hidan. "You're not too bad, asshole. I love scary movies…but I'm driving. I think you'd be scarier on the road than that movie would be."

"Damn straight." Hidan smirked. "Seven?"

"Yeah, sure. Now get the fuck out so I can get Kisame's music on!"

"Fine, fine. You sure are a temperamental one, like seriously."

Temari's response was throwing a nearby stapler at him, and Hidan exited the premises before more appliances started flying.

He left the room to come face to ass with Deidara, who was standing on a table giving a private show to a group of ladies…which were now motioning for him to join his blonde friend, one holding out a wad of cash as enticement. He could see Kakuzu's rage now if he refused this opportunity.

"Fuck!"

 **Author's Note: My sincere thanks to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or followed this story! Your support is the reason I'm able to sit down and actually write out the ideas cluttered in my head. Also, does anyone want a Kakuzu x TenTen lemon? I'll do it if you guys want me too. Please let me know your thoughts!**


End file.
